It was stupid, very stupid. To go back to that place that was locked and to open the door. The stupidity of the situation was enough for a small child to understand, much less an adult; but she went back. Lorabelle went back to that odd little place and she glanced into that room again.
There, she saw him. He was lying on his side, covered to the waist by a fleece blanket. She crept in and watched him sleeping. Her eyes fell upon his hair, his eyelashes and his mouth. She wondered if she was really there, staring upon him; or if she was just dreaming. She pinched herself for emphasis. He slept soundly at first and then some dream made him twitch. A moment later, he turned to his other side and settled back in for another bout of his dream, maybe.
Lorabelle couldn’t figure out what she was feeling; but she wouldn’t leave the doorway. She knew that at any moment, he might wake and see her standing there. He could say anything to her now. He could ask her to stay again, he could tell her to go away and yet, he could choose to say nothing at all, and that was the worst one yet. She knew she should lock the door again, she should turn and go and never think on it, at all, no never. Lorabelle was never good with goodbyes and she knew that if he was to awaken, she would just stand there and stare at him while he spoke or while he said nothing at all. Lorabelle was a girl that felt too much and thought much less than she should. Yes, Lorabelle should leave again, pull the door closed behind her and lock it up tight this time. Lorabelle didn’t do that and the man woke up.
He sat up, suddenly in the bed, fleece blanket fell down around his hips and his hand lay limp on the top of the cover. His eyes were strange things, the way they tested her upon first contact. His eyes were never weak, they asked questions as soon as they opened. It was his strength and his weakness all in one. She couldn’t move, as she knew would be the issue. His lips curled up and with a simple smile he held out his hand, the left one. Lorabelle’s eyes widened in horror. She has done as she had said she never would again. She went to him, she unlocked that which she had locked away. Her God frowned and she felt it ripple through her soul.
“Gamain, why are you here?” She braved a question that was full of wisdom and stupidity. It seemed that the ignorance had taken flight and flew in for a better look at its own destruction.
He exhaled heavily and dropped his hand. As he spoke, it was clear as always. “You kept me here, all along. Lorabelle, you never truly let them go and you never let me go either. In fact…” he gestured around the room with both hands “You even created a room for me here, in your head.”
Lorabelle swallowed that terrible knot and she knew he was right. Why, most of the time he was. There wasn’t many times that Gamain told lies. Some of the hardest truths he braved to tell Lorabelle. She didn’t know if it was because he hated her or that he loved her. She found his truths to be harsh and it angered her. She felt her own self- control running through her fingers and onto the floor every time he invaded her secret thoughts. And so, tonight, today…or whatever this world was where Gamain was still here….she was again and again in that room. The room where he was waiting for her.
“Lorabelle, you did this. I cannot leave until you let me. I cannot stay away until you lock that door for good. You gotta stop peeking back inside if you want me to go away.” Gamain suddenly looked sad and Lorabelle gripped the door facing.
Her nails dug into the wood and she could even hear it crackle beneathe her nails.
It was one of those times, those times where something hurt so much that no sobbing was needed to push forth the tears. They flowed effortlessly from the lids of her eyes. They were not hot, nor wear they cold, they just were and real they were. She walked into the room, closer to Gamain. He held out his hand again and bid her to come near him. She didn’t stop for a second because it was something she had to do. She had to put her arms around him and inhale Gamain.
“I missed you, Lorabelle.”
She sighed and spoke, “yeah…”
As she felt him hug her tighter, she pulled away and pushed his arms back. She stood suddenely at the realization of what she was doing. His body had responded to her and she felt it in many places as her chest, her arms and her whole being leaned into his embrace. When she felt this, she had to let go, she had to pull back. Her god was furious now and she could hear him in her head, fighting with Gamain and his thoughts that had also broken into her sacred space. She looked down at Gamain’s waist and then further and saw that he was still hers. She was horrified suddenly by the fact that she had broken the lock. She was angry, so very angry that she had opened the door. She hated herself with something much more than passion for walking into this room. Lorabelle stood back and shook her head.
“No Gamain, no.” Lorabelle cried and turned to go. She heard Gamain calling her name and that was all she heard. She walked out and pulled the door closed, then she stopped. The lock was there and it was swinging from the hinge. She pulled it closed in a sharp angry twist.
“No Gamain, no.”
Lorabelle stopped still in the hallway and looked at her hands. He never was real and she knew that. Her dreams of Gamain were only parts of her that dared to relinquish control. Her portions would never be free in fear of something that had no safety net. She could not walk upon a track with no end. She could not see the sun of this, nor the moon of this…nor anything. Gamain was the part that the Lamectil would murder and the Citalpram would soothe from her mind. Her mentality fought suddenly, bringing Lorabelle to her knees.
The voice from the locked door, it called to her. This time it was after her and so she ran down the hall. The hallway was neverending and sooner than later, she was at his door again.
She stopped and checked her pulse, in fear that she might be done for. Lorabelle knew what was right, she knew the prayers that she had spoken day after day. She knew the pathway and how it curved to her destiny of lesser complications, the easy roadway, she surmised.
“Lorabelle, open the door.”
She touched the wood of the door and imagined that she could feel his breath and his skin. She exhaled deeply and her mind grazed the forbidden.
Lorabelle looked at the lock and then to her right hand which was now holding a key. She pushed the key into the lock and turned. The lock burst open and fell to the floor. As her eyes went up to meet the door, she thought about last chances. This was the last chance she had to do what was right. Lorabelle rubbed the wood of the door and lay her forehead against it.
“Gamain, what future is there…”
There was silence. For a moment, Gamain said nothing and then he spoke. “I cannot say, Lorabelle…I don’t know.”
Lorabelle opened the door and say him standing there naked. In his left hand, he held a small handgun. She guessed that It was a nine or something like that. She guessed but only fleetingly because she knew there were two bullets there. One to give and one to get. She smiled.
“Gamain, what future is there?”
He held the gun to her head and those eyes, they told a lie.
“I cannot say, Lorabelle…I don’t know…”