The party started at 8 p.m. at Tam's house. We were all there...the whole crew; including Jacie and her boyfriend, Paula, her brother and Tam's whole side crew. People I didn't even know started to mill into Tam's house after 9 and by 10, the place was packed to overflowing. I didn't really know what the occasion was and maybe there was no occasion at all. I just know that the girls wouldn't stop carrying on and on about how much fun I would have if I let my hair down and forget about my problems. This was exactly what I planned to do when i got there. I did have reservations at first considering how much my friends pried into my life but thing is...I needed to do something other than obsess over Donnie for a change...and so I joined the throng.
But Donnie was there too...so much for that.
Things were dark in my head and so I stayed off to myself most of the time. I sat in the corner watching Paula flirt with two of the guys on the football team. Her giggling and playful looks were cute but oddly irritating to me for some reason. She smiled over at me a couple times and then went back to her incessant flirting. Tam was curiously absent from the room most of the time and Jacie sat in the opposite corner talking to two guys while groping her boyfriend. I wondered why I was even a part of the group; at this moment I felt so detached.
"Hey party pooper, what are you doing sitting there nursing that weak ass drink? " Tam wrapped her arms around me and kissed my cheek. I turned to see her flushed face grinning at me.
"Oh hey, Tam...what's up?" I turned and pulled her arm tighter around me. I looked into her eyes and noticed that they were even darker than they used to be. She was drunk. Her pupils were so widely dilated that I questioned to myself whether or not Tam had been dabbling in something other than the drink.
Tam walked around my chair and squatted down in front of me. "Hey, I bought this new drink the other day and no one will try it. I think they are scared of such a strong concoction...hehe"
"Oh...pfft, can't be that strong." I smirked at the whole idea that anyone in high school would be afraid of any ole drink. I looked toward the kitchen and saw Donnie leaning on the counter. I instantly wondered what he was up to.
Tam looked toward the kitchen then back to me. She frowned and crinkled her forhead. "come on...I think Donnie gonna taste it. I am trying to get him to try it but he keeps saying "I dunno..." Tam stood and pulled at me.
I stood from my chair and followed her into the kitchen. When I got to the counter, I noticed that there were four other poeple in the room. Donnie's girlfriend Lexie was leaning on Donnie while three girls from the Beta club huddled together by the microwave. The girls by the microwave, that I really didn't know that well, looked my way and then giggled. I gave them a go-to-hell look and then leaned against the opposite wall...I watched the scene before me with wary eyes. Tam was busy pulling at the top of a bottle on the other side of the giggling Beta girls. I just took it all in wondering what tonight would bring.
Donnie turned to look at me and he smiled. A warm fuzzy feeling moved from my legs up toward my mid section I smiled back and then bit my lip. "So...you think you can drink that shit that Tam bought, huh? I tried it a minute ago and it burned my damn nose hairs out."
I laughed and waved a hand at Donnie. Tam turned and handed me a glass of her new concoction. "Drink up, sweetie."
........................
Jacie's face wavered in front of me. I closed my eyes tightly then tried to refocus on her moving face. Her red hair looked like little worms wiggling to get free form her head.
"Laurie...are you okay?" Jacie rubbed my face and pushed the hair form my forehead. I felt the heat from her hand and it felt wonderful. I pushed my face against her hand and moaned slightly. Jacie smiled at me and then spoke again. "Hey, does that feel good?"
I opened my eyes wider and tried to focus on her face again. Hands continued to brush my hair from my face and it felt wonderful. I was euphoric with stimulus. "I love that....that feels so good." I reached up and touched a warm hand and it felt strong...so very strong. I saw a face again but it was not Jacie's face...it was a man's face.
I sat up and reached for the face before me. It was Donnie and he was brushing the hair from my face.
"Donnie..." I smiled at the recognition and reached out again.
Donnie kissed my nose then pulled me closer to him. He hugged me tighter to him then
whispered in my ear. "Hey, you are such a mess. Can I take you home?"
"yes...oh yes..Donnie, take me home" I whispered softly "I love you, Donnie."
........................
"What is she saying?"
Tam leaned against Jacie's shoulder and spoke. The whole room gathered around the couch and starred at Laurie, watching her writhe and wiggle drunkenly as she lay intoxicated. Laurie wouldn't quite drinking because Tam kept calling her a coward. Laurie wouldn't quit drinking because Donnie and Lexie were watching and most of all, Laurie wouldn't quit drinking because she had trouble not thinking about her problems and she wanted them to disappear.
Laurie should have stopped drinking.
Jacie looked at Tam and her eyes got wide. "She is flirting with me, Tam. She just called me baby and told me that my hand felt good on her skin." Jacie laughed and leaned on Tams arm. Tam laughed as well.
"So, that is her secret, she is in love with you, Jacie." Tam looked around proud of her little joke.
Jacie leaned closer to laurie and got quite. "Wait a minute...she is talking again."
Laurie rose up swaying and swerving this way and that. She grabbed a hold of the back of the couch and looked around. She smiled and spoke again. "Hey...you." Laurie rubbed her mouth and then bit her lip drunkenly.
Jacie took both Laurie's arms in her hands and tried to get the drunk girl to focus on something. In moments, Laurie was focusing on Jacie's face. She reached and rubbed Jacie's face then smiled. Laurie lost it then.
"Donnie...is that you?"
Donnie turned back toward the group surrounding Laurie and listened. Lexie pulled Donnie's collar and looked him in the face. "Did that girl just say your name, Donnie?"
"Laurie, this is Jacie...do you want me to take you home?" The red haired girl held Laurie still and waited for her answer.
Tam frowned and grabbed Jacie's arm. "No, let her speak. I think she has much to say."
Laurie reached into the air and caressed an invisible face. Her lips moved as if she was kissing someone. Laurie moaned and leaned forward. "Oh Donnie...."
Donnie walked closer to the group and parted Tam and Jacie. He looked down at Laurie and started to laugh. "This is Donnie, Laurie...what are you carrying on about.
"Yes, Donnie...please take me home...I love you, Donnie."
Lexie pushed through the crowd and she and Donnie began to argue. Tam gave Laurie a mean look and walked away. Jacie just sat and watched Laurie molest the invisible man.
Laurie cried out for Donnie for an hour or so more before she passed out on the couch...alone.
................................
They all knew...every last one of them knew how I felt about Donnie. They looked at me now as if I was diseased or something. When I tried to call Jacie, her phone rang and rang. The same thing happened when trying to contact Tam. In the hallways, ditsy Paula would walk right past me chomping her gum like an idiot. To be honest, there wasn't much difference there.
I found myself alone...alone in class, after school and after work as well. Donnie wouldn't even look at me and Lexie gave me dirty looks in the hallway. My head knew why things were as they were but my heart was dying with ignorance. No matter how much I explained it to myself, a part of me just couldn't understand why things had happened the way they did. I remembered the dream with Donnie and the girls and then it came back to me full force. Every night, Donnie laughed at me and every night the girls would hold me down and scream at me. I would wake sweating and would crawl into a corner of my room. There I would weep until my eyes grew tired and closed. I would wake the next morning and feel like crawling into a deeper place and not showing my face. Going to school was the hardest thing I had to do. when I arrived, all eyes were on me just long enough to make me feel uncomfortable then I was ignored to twist the knife even further.
Someone began to write on my notebook while I was in the bathroom. When I would return to class, the words "I love Donnie" were written on my notebook and several students that I didn't even know were giggling at me. I just sat there and scribbled out the words as my teacher droned on and on about something...I didn't pay attention...I couldn't pay attention. I was drowning in my fuck ups.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Saturday, March 30, 2013
secrets for 2
Kissing Donnie was magical. I never wanted it to end. Here, so far away from the girls, I felt like I was in control again.
"Donnie, I really missed you." I smiled and caressed his face.
But Donnie wasn't really here and I was daydreaming again. I sat back down on the floor and realized that I was crying. I did miss Donnie but did Donnie miss me? I knew at this point, I was pathetic. I rolled onto the floor and moved into fetal position. I was totally and completely obsessed with the notion of loving Donnie Fendleburg. I had, In fact, been obsessed with him for 6 months now and I still did not know whether he knew. He would smile at me and talk to me about school but he never really gave me any definitive clues as to his returned my affections. I thought about him every night before bed, I thought about him when I woke in the morning and I even thought about him while flipping burgers at my job at Macon's diner. Thing is, for all the times I thought about Donnie...he probably never thought about me. It seems that my unrequited love would have been enough for me to forget about Donnie and move on but it wasn't. I don't know why, but I couldn't shake him from my mind; he was simply beautiful to me.
Yesterday I rehearsed it again...how I would tell Donnie how I felt. Yesterday, I failed again. When he walked passed me in the hallway, I just smiled and waved at him shyly. When he waved back, I melted and was instantly happy for the rest of the day. I was a mess and this is why I couldn't tell the trio of my issues. Donnie had a girlfriend named Lexie and that is another reason why I couldn't tell the girls about my problems...especially since Tam and Lexie were childhood best friends. I was stuck, fixed and hopeless in the situation that I had created for myself.
...................
"So, this is the thing...we will invite Laurie to the party and when she gets drunk...she will tell everything." Tam smiled mischeviously and shoved playfully at Paula.
Jacie frowned "I don't know, Tam...Laurie is not that dumb, you know."
"I am not saying that she is dumb at all. I just think that the only way we can help her is if we know "how" to help her." Tam smiled and tilted her head. "You see..."
The three girls sipped their cokes and watched Laurie work the tables. Everytime Laurie looked their way, they would smile at her and giggle. When Laurie looked away, the team plotted their plan and hatched their diabolical schemes. Because, after all...it was for the best.
.....................
The three girls started watching Laurie in the hallways about a week after they were deinied their juicy gossip. Every guy that Laurie spoke to, the girls would discuss.
"So, do you think it's Robert?" Jacie asked Tam as she held the unside down novel, "Wuthering Heights" in her hand.
Tam twisted her lip to the side and looked toward the ceiling. She tapped her stubby fingers on the table and sucked air in through her tight lips. "I dunno...I really think that Robert is just a friend to her. I mean, he is such a nerd. I don't think Robert is right for Laurie." Tam looked over at Paula and nudged her.
Paula dropped her copy of "Vogue" and looked confused. "Huh?"
Tam inhaled deeply and gave Paula a long look of disaproval. "So you mean all this time you have been reading that stupid magazine? Are you even listening to us at all, Paula.
"Sure Tam, I heard you guys." Paula's eyes grew large.
"Okay smartass, what were we talking about?" Tam rubbed her fist in her other hand and gave Paula a mean look.
Paula leaned back smiled. "You guys were talking about laurie's secret guy." the ditsy girl seemed pleased with herself.
Both Jacie and Tam dropped their heads into their hands and grumbled.
"What?!" exclaimed Paula who kept smacking her watermelon gum in delight.
....................
Laurie awoke to her empty room and was sweating badly. She had dreamed of Donnie again. But this time, they were not alone. In her dream, Jacie, Paula and Tam were holding her down and screaming while Donnie laughed at them from the background.
"Donnie, I really missed you." I smiled and caressed his face.
But Donnie wasn't really here and I was daydreaming again. I sat back down on the floor and realized that I was crying. I did miss Donnie but did Donnie miss me? I knew at this point, I was pathetic. I rolled onto the floor and moved into fetal position. I was totally and completely obsessed with the notion of loving Donnie Fendleburg. I had, In fact, been obsessed with him for 6 months now and I still did not know whether he knew. He would smile at me and talk to me about school but he never really gave me any definitive clues as to his returned my affections. I thought about him every night before bed, I thought about him when I woke in the morning and I even thought about him while flipping burgers at my job at Macon's diner. Thing is, for all the times I thought about Donnie...he probably never thought about me. It seems that my unrequited love would have been enough for me to forget about Donnie and move on but it wasn't. I don't know why, but I couldn't shake him from my mind; he was simply beautiful to me.
Yesterday I rehearsed it again...how I would tell Donnie how I felt. Yesterday, I failed again. When he walked passed me in the hallway, I just smiled and waved at him shyly. When he waved back, I melted and was instantly happy for the rest of the day. I was a mess and this is why I couldn't tell the trio of my issues. Donnie had a girlfriend named Lexie and that is another reason why I couldn't tell the girls about my problems...especially since Tam and Lexie were childhood best friends. I was stuck, fixed and hopeless in the situation that I had created for myself.
...................
"So, this is the thing...we will invite Laurie to the party and when she gets drunk...she will tell everything." Tam smiled mischeviously and shoved playfully at Paula.
Jacie frowned "I don't know, Tam...Laurie is not that dumb, you know."
"I am not saying that she is dumb at all. I just think that the only way we can help her is if we know "how" to help her." Tam smiled and tilted her head. "You see..."
The three girls sipped their cokes and watched Laurie work the tables. Everytime Laurie looked their way, they would smile at her and giggle. When Laurie looked away, the team plotted their plan and hatched their diabolical schemes. Because, after all...it was for the best.
.....................
The three girls started watching Laurie in the hallways about a week after they were deinied their juicy gossip. Every guy that Laurie spoke to, the girls would discuss.
"So, do you think it's Robert?" Jacie asked Tam as she held the unside down novel, "Wuthering Heights" in her hand.
Tam twisted her lip to the side and looked toward the ceiling. She tapped her stubby fingers on the table and sucked air in through her tight lips. "I dunno...I really think that Robert is just a friend to her. I mean, he is such a nerd. I don't think Robert is right for Laurie." Tam looked over at Paula and nudged her.
Paula dropped her copy of "Vogue" and looked confused. "Huh?"
Tam inhaled deeply and gave Paula a long look of disaproval. "So you mean all this time you have been reading that stupid magazine? Are you even listening to us at all, Paula.
"Sure Tam, I heard you guys." Paula's eyes grew large.
"Okay smartass, what were we talking about?" Tam rubbed her fist in her other hand and gave Paula a mean look.
Paula leaned back smiled. "You guys were talking about laurie's secret guy." the ditsy girl seemed pleased with herself.
Both Jacie and Tam dropped their heads into their hands and grumbled.
"What?!" exclaimed Paula who kept smacking her watermelon gum in delight.
....................
Laurie awoke to her empty room and was sweating badly. She had dreamed of Donnie again. But this time, they were not alone. In her dream, Jacie, Paula and Tam were holding her down and screaming while Donnie laughed at them from the background.
secrets for 1
No matter how hard you try to forgive, it just doesn't work. Sometimes forgiveness comes with barbs and thorns which prick you deeply. Forgiveness, you tell me, is pure and honest; this is what God did for us.
I look toward the overcast sky and remember forgiveness and its gifts. I never really forgave them nor can I forget what they did to me.
..........
At times I felt as if I had many friends. We always hung out after work at the diner, went shopping and talked on the phone. Things seemed simple enough as long as the drama was focused on others from outside the small group. The things I had hidden never really matter that much back then because the little skeletons in my closet were still miniature ones that didn't tug on me as they do now. I would sit and listen to them; Jacie, Paula and Tam, and I would feel slightly disjointed. It was as if I was watching a movie about some other misfortunate and I was laughing my ass off. I didn't know then that I might someday be the brunt of their jokes as well.
I cannot remember exactly when the tides turned but they did turn and turn deeply as a cut that never heals. The issues in my life grew rapidly. Some days I could laugh and cover up anything that was bothering me; but some days were dark and hard to cover. The first day that something leaked from my lips was on a Tuesday at Macon's Diner.
"I don't feel so well, you guys."
All three girls stopped in mid sentence and looked at me concerned. All the little nasty gossip dripped from their lips in unfinished story, then dissapated. They truly looked like they gave a shit. Hmmm, that was an interesting moment to say the least.
Jacie spoke first. "Honey, what's wrong?" Because by all accounts, Jacie was the type who really seemed concerned.
I wiggled in my seat and put the straw from my milkshake back between my lips. I pulled the thick chocolate deliciousness into my mouth as I thought of what to say. As I pulled the straw back out, I sucked on my bottom lip.
"I just cannot shake this thing...this thing in my head. I just got so much going on in my head, ya know."
With this tiny bit of info, all three girls pulled their chairs closer to mine and put their chins in their hands....elbows on table too. The looks they gave me could have easily fooled me into thinking that their top priority was to solve my problems. I really believed that at the moment as well.
It started off with me telling them that I was deeply troubled by things on my mind. They picked and prodded until they discovered that my problems revolved around a man whom I was interested. After delving into my life to a certain point, I pulled back and told them that I didn't want to talk about it anymore. This only seemed to irritate them and they growled underneathe their breath and mumbled about things not being any fun if they didn't know. This should have alerted me to the fact that they really didn't care about me but only about my misfortune.
I gathered my things and left them to chit chat about what might possibly be wrong with me.
Deep inside, I knew the ugliness which brewed there. I knew the truth and how humiliating it was. I knew that no matter how much they seemed to care, they were only interested in their own well being and their own reputation. Unfortunately, my feelings were not the issue with them. They were like vultures waiting for something to die so that they could devour it using their sharp talons. I shivered when I thought about what I had almost revealed to them.
............................
My life reminded me of the characters on movies who decided to show who they really are and then they were ridiculed. I pulled further away from the trio because of my fear of them. It was not a physical fear, it was a strong emotional one.
If they knew what I was hiding, I know they would run to others and tell them just as they told me every little detail of all the other misfortunates. I sat in the library and read some book which I never really read at all. With every new page, the one before it disappeared into my memory. My mind was calculating and brooding as the characters of my book played their story with no real audience. I closed the book finally just as Paula and Jacie entered the room. The loud saccarine voices drew attention as they called for me.
"Laurie! what...are....you doing??" Paula grinned and ran over to hug me.
Jacie pulled out the chair directly across from me and plopped down. "So, how are you feeling?" She smiled and I saw the fires of hell behind her eyes. It was so obvious that she was hungry for gossip and it seems she had been starved for it at the lately.
I looked down at my book and pressed my lips together. "I am fine, Jacie. I am the same as usual...just tired."
Jacie didn't look satisfied, in fact, she looked sort of angry at my lack of juicy morsels of scandal. "Well, you didn't seem all that great yesterday, Laurie. You know you can talk to me."
"I know that, Jacie." I spoke sternly and glanced over at Paula. The timid girl chewed on my pencil and smirked. Appalled, I reached and jerked my saliva covered pencil from between her teeth. She yelped at the momentary pain I caused.
"I am FINE, Jacie."
Jacie glanced at Paula and nodded. She turned to me and her eyes narrowed. "You know what I heard, Laurie?" Jacie scanned my eyes and then continued. "I heard that Donna Taylor was messing around with Janell's boyfriend. Can you believe that????"
Suddenly I felt odd at those words. Of all the times that I had listened to their gossip, I had never felt so evil and betraying as I did at this moment. Those poor people did not want their business strewn all over town. I felt guilty for even being here in the same room with these piranahs. "Jacie, I didn't hear those things at all." I knew I had heard the gossip but I refused to give into the routine.
Paula leaned forward and looked into my eyes. "What's wrong with you, Laurie, this is just what we need. That bitch, Donna has it coming to her for what she did to Tam."
I leaned back and scanned both their faces. For a moment, I could have sworn I was looking at two dark and fang toothed demons. Their eyes were huge and they almost seemed to drool at the mention of their scandalous endeavors. At that moment, I wondered why i had ever enjoyed such blithering and babbling nonesense. I shook my head and answered.
"Yes, I guess you are right."
Jacie leaned closer to me and stretched out her hand. She motioned for me to hold her hand and smiled sweetly. "So hun, you know we love you. YOu should tell us what is bothering you. Don't worry, we will go and take care of those filthy bastards who are hurting you."
"Yeah Laurie, you should talk to us. We are family." Paula chimed in as she rubbed my shoulder.
I was terrified and still , I told them nothing.
I look toward the overcast sky and remember forgiveness and its gifts. I never really forgave them nor can I forget what they did to me.
..........
At times I felt as if I had many friends. We always hung out after work at the diner, went shopping and talked on the phone. Things seemed simple enough as long as the drama was focused on others from outside the small group. The things I had hidden never really matter that much back then because the little skeletons in my closet were still miniature ones that didn't tug on me as they do now. I would sit and listen to them; Jacie, Paula and Tam, and I would feel slightly disjointed. It was as if I was watching a movie about some other misfortunate and I was laughing my ass off. I didn't know then that I might someday be the brunt of their jokes as well.
I cannot remember exactly when the tides turned but they did turn and turn deeply as a cut that never heals. The issues in my life grew rapidly. Some days I could laugh and cover up anything that was bothering me; but some days were dark and hard to cover. The first day that something leaked from my lips was on a Tuesday at Macon's Diner.
"I don't feel so well, you guys."
All three girls stopped in mid sentence and looked at me concerned. All the little nasty gossip dripped from their lips in unfinished story, then dissapated. They truly looked like they gave a shit. Hmmm, that was an interesting moment to say the least.
Jacie spoke first. "Honey, what's wrong?" Because by all accounts, Jacie was the type who really seemed concerned.
I wiggled in my seat and put the straw from my milkshake back between my lips. I pulled the thick chocolate deliciousness into my mouth as I thought of what to say. As I pulled the straw back out, I sucked on my bottom lip.
"I just cannot shake this thing...this thing in my head. I just got so much going on in my head, ya know."
With this tiny bit of info, all three girls pulled their chairs closer to mine and put their chins in their hands....elbows on table too. The looks they gave me could have easily fooled me into thinking that their top priority was to solve my problems. I really believed that at the moment as well.
It started off with me telling them that I was deeply troubled by things on my mind. They picked and prodded until they discovered that my problems revolved around a man whom I was interested. After delving into my life to a certain point, I pulled back and told them that I didn't want to talk about it anymore. This only seemed to irritate them and they growled underneathe their breath and mumbled about things not being any fun if they didn't know. This should have alerted me to the fact that they really didn't care about me but only about my misfortune.
I gathered my things and left them to chit chat about what might possibly be wrong with me.
Deep inside, I knew the ugliness which brewed there. I knew the truth and how humiliating it was. I knew that no matter how much they seemed to care, they were only interested in their own well being and their own reputation. Unfortunately, my feelings were not the issue with them. They were like vultures waiting for something to die so that they could devour it using their sharp talons. I shivered when I thought about what I had almost revealed to them.
............................
My life reminded me of the characters on movies who decided to show who they really are and then they were ridiculed. I pulled further away from the trio because of my fear of them. It was not a physical fear, it was a strong emotional one.
If they knew what I was hiding, I know they would run to others and tell them just as they told me every little detail of all the other misfortunates. I sat in the library and read some book which I never really read at all. With every new page, the one before it disappeared into my memory. My mind was calculating and brooding as the characters of my book played their story with no real audience. I closed the book finally just as Paula and Jacie entered the room. The loud saccarine voices drew attention as they called for me.
"Laurie! what...are....you doing??" Paula grinned and ran over to hug me.
Jacie pulled out the chair directly across from me and plopped down. "So, how are you feeling?" She smiled and I saw the fires of hell behind her eyes. It was so obvious that she was hungry for gossip and it seems she had been starved for it at the lately.
I looked down at my book and pressed my lips together. "I am fine, Jacie. I am the same as usual...just tired."
Jacie didn't look satisfied, in fact, she looked sort of angry at my lack of juicy morsels of scandal. "Well, you didn't seem all that great yesterday, Laurie. You know you can talk to me."
"I know that, Jacie." I spoke sternly and glanced over at Paula. The timid girl chewed on my pencil and smirked. Appalled, I reached and jerked my saliva covered pencil from between her teeth. She yelped at the momentary pain I caused.
"I am FINE, Jacie."
Jacie glanced at Paula and nodded. She turned to me and her eyes narrowed. "You know what I heard, Laurie?" Jacie scanned my eyes and then continued. "I heard that Donna Taylor was messing around with Janell's boyfriend. Can you believe that????"
Suddenly I felt odd at those words. Of all the times that I had listened to their gossip, I had never felt so evil and betraying as I did at this moment. Those poor people did not want their business strewn all over town. I felt guilty for even being here in the same room with these piranahs. "Jacie, I didn't hear those things at all." I knew I had heard the gossip but I refused to give into the routine.
Paula leaned forward and looked into my eyes. "What's wrong with you, Laurie, this is just what we need. That bitch, Donna has it coming to her for what she did to Tam."
I leaned back and scanned both their faces. For a moment, I could have sworn I was looking at two dark and fang toothed demons. Their eyes were huge and they almost seemed to drool at the mention of their scandalous endeavors. At that moment, I wondered why i had ever enjoyed such blithering and babbling nonesense. I shook my head and answered.
"Yes, I guess you are right."
Jacie leaned closer to me and stretched out her hand. She motioned for me to hold her hand and smiled sweetly. "So hun, you know we love you. YOu should tell us what is bothering you. Don't worry, we will go and take care of those filthy bastards who are hurting you."
"Yeah Laurie, you should talk to us. We are family." Paula chimed in as she rubbed my shoulder.
I was terrified and still , I told them nothing.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Minerva
Minerva.
Driving is therapuetic. I have learned from various quiet times and solitude within my car, that driving will give you time to think and rethink your actions. The things you have done will haunt you while the things you never did will keep you contemplating for hours. There are rainy days when driving will have you hynotised and easily distracted but still leave you with the instincts to keep your eye on the road. Then sunny days are easy driving but with an urge to be outside feeling the sun naturally. sometimes, I really miss the sun. This car can be like a prison.
Then driving can drive you insane. The times when you cry continuously from mile to mile about the thing you couldn’t stop. The memories come rushing in because of one stupid song you heard on the radio. The song that played the moment your relationship ended or the song that was playing the night your mother passed away. These times driving, you think might just veer over into the other lane and get it over with. But you don’t…and why, there are no simple reasons.
I was a lovestruck pheonix. I rose from the ashes of one relationship to fall into another. Whether it was healthy or not, didn’t really concern me at the time. I had morals, ones which didn’t allow me to compromise with society's peer pressures. But yet, Some call me fickle but I call it complicated just not satisfied with being alone. Yes,I can be alone at times and really enjoy the fact that I am, but love is just so desirable and wanted.
I wasn’t on the rebound at all. There was a space of a year between the dead love and the living one-the new conquest, I would always say. I wasn’t looking for love at all. It was serendipity. I had devoted my time to a job that kept me occupied. I was a traveling salesman, selling insurance to various businesses for commission. It was just a job but it was something to keep my mind off my broken heart. As I traveled from place to place, I ventured upon the idea that I would try to find myself. I wanted to learn to love me instead of loving everyone else around me.
That is when I met her. She was pale and small and didn’t say much at first. But, it was the eyes, they were dark and deep and I saw something there that I couldn’t explain. she was working at a diner as a waitress, not making very much money but neither was I. We would talk for long periods of time about how our jobs were less than what we had expected out of life and about tids and bits of everything else in life. It took several weeks of frequenting the diner before she even said hello to me, but when she warmed up, she never shut up. It was a beautiful banter, babbling sweet glossy lips made me feel all fluttery like a damn girl. Her hair was golden blonde and she had freckles sprinkled just across her nose. She was adorable, pale and very animated. But more than any other gorgeous feature she held, the eyes held me tighter. They gripped me there for way too long and even once, I was late for a meeting. Her name was Minerva and eventually she agreed to keep me company one night.
Just so happens, we managed to get some time together. She had requested a night off and agreed to take a ride with me . She insisted that I pick her up at the diner around 7 at night and that I must have her back, at least by the dawn. Her boss had pressed her about her schedule and told her she had to work the morning shift to cover her time off. She wasn’t too happy about it and she babbled on about how pissed she was. I just smiled at her from the driver’s seat until she smiled back at me. She warmed up quickly and before we had gone 30 miles, she was pressed against my shoulder caressing my thigh. I couldn’t believe the feelings that had welled up so suddenly. Was it possible for someone to fall in love so suddenly?
“Ok…ok…” I pulled my hand free and took the next dirt road to my right. I had no idea where this would lead us, but I really didn’t care.”I wanted her too.”
Driving and love making doesn’t mix so well. I grew hard beneath her roving fingers and my speaking grew stuttery. She teased me incessently. Saying I was such a nerd. I giggled like a girl and swerved into the other lane.
“M..M…Minerva, I can’t drive like this.” I said, casting a quick look at her peering lucious eyes. She just smiled
“Shhh.. what’s wrong. Can’t you handle it?” Minerva purred and tugged at my trousers.
“Listen, we should find a place to, you know, get comfortable. I can’t drive like this.” I looked desperately for some place to pull over. There hadn’t been any signs of rest stops or hotels for miles and I knew this stretch very well. There was nothing and would be nothing for awhile . I knew this was going to end up roadside. I looked for dirt roads, old buildings or anything I could find. All I could see was flat delta and fields. They flashed on either side of us creating a blurred brown ocean of earth. Minerva started to undo her blouse wiggling in her seat.
“Come on Stew, I want you.” Minerva pouted and flashed her beautiful dark eyes at me. I melted.
The scenery abruptly changed with more trees flying by on either side of the car. I felt a little relief by the option of possible cover. I drove on, looking for the best option for our little adventure. We passed several run down houses and junkyards and Minerva removed her bra. Her beautiful full breasts bounced out and pressed against my arm. she grabbed one of my hands from the steering wheel and shoved it under her skirt. When my finger slide effortlessly inside her, I could take no more.
Minerva stood up on her knees and shoved her tongue in my ear. I pulled off the dirt road into a drive. I almost ran into a fence that was on her side of the car. I paid no attention to where we were. I put the car in park and took off my jacket.
Minerva started to pull my clothes free with one hand as she tugged down her skirt. “Stewie, do you love me?”
The words caught me off guard but I responded. “yes.”
Her face lighted up and I stared into her deep dark eyes. she licked her lips and kissed me passionately.
“Stewie, would you do anything for me?” Minerva spoke in gasps between kisses.
I furrowed my brow and wondered where this was going. I pulled her back and off of my mouth. I stared at her in question. “Where are you going with this?”
She looked truly hurt by my question and turned away. I saw her lips moving but couldn’t hear her words. “Stew, I am dying. I need your help.” She returned her gaze to mine and I saw tears welling up about to tip over the edge.
“Minerva, what’s wrong, why didn’t you tell me this? How can I help you, I am just a lowly salesman?” I grabbed her shoulders and turned her to face me squarly.
“I know a lot about you, Stewie. I know you have loved many times but I know something else as well.” She swallowed hard and bit her lip. “I know you have truly never been with another. You are rare, so rare in so many ways.” she exhaled and continued. “I think you truly love me, Stewie. You was going to lose your virginity to me, tonight.”
I released her and put my head in my hand. It was all too much. She had no way of knowing any of this about me. I stepped from the car and stood against the door, ignoring her. I was angry. She must have been talking to someone, somewhere but I had no clue how she could have found the information out. I was humiliated. I was a 28 year old virgin, how much more humiliating could anything else be. I heard the other door slam and looked around. Minerva stood on the other side of the car and leaned against the roof. She was paler than usual but her eyes sparkled with the tears she never shed.
Stewie, I love you too. I need you, Stewie.” Minerva pleaded.
It was the first time I noticed where we were. A gated cemetary introduced itself with its glowing white tombstones. Minerva’s golden hair blended with the pale stones. She waited for my next reaction.
I turned to face her and spoke. “How did you know all that, Minerva?”
She walked around the car and took my hand. I let her stand close to me, it seemed her spell was working again.
“Stew, I know many things, I am very different than most girls.” She smiled sweetly and giggled. Her naked breasts shone in the moonlight and made me feel really nice again.
“You wouldn’t believe anything I told you, Stewie, so why bother explaining.” She spoke and pulled my head down to hers. She was very petite but very strong. As her moist lips met my ear, she spoke.
“Just promise me that whatever happens, you will love me.” Minerva exhaled softly and spoke again.
“I need this…I need you…you are special, like a cure for my sickness. I have looked for so very long and I am so tired, stewie.”
I felt her lips touch my neck and that is the last sensation I felt until now.
I am driving, alone and without real reason. Songs play, tears fall but I feel empty. I haven’t kept any appointments in days and I can’t think clearly. I remember a beautiful girl, one I loved. But she is gone now. I only remember how much I love her and that I saved her from death. I am dirty, covered in earth, blood and I have money in my pockets. I don’t know what this means. I look to the gauges and realize something is odd about them. The car has been slowing down and speeding up and I don’t know what’s wrong with it.
Now the car is slowing down again. I keep pushing my foot down and it won’t speed up. I look toward the horizon and frown. She told me things but I can’t seem to remember that either.
So many colors in the sky. The sun is rising. I remember, I miss the sun so badly.
Driving is therapuetic. I have learned from various quiet times and solitude within my car, that driving will give you time to think and rethink your actions. The things you have done will haunt you while the things you never did will keep you contemplating for hours. There are rainy days when driving will have you hynotised and easily distracted but still leave you with the instincts to keep your eye on the road. Then sunny days are easy driving but with an urge to be outside feeling the sun naturally. sometimes, I really miss the sun. This car can be like a prison.
Then driving can drive you insane. The times when you cry continuously from mile to mile about the thing you couldn’t stop. The memories come rushing in because of one stupid song you heard on the radio. The song that played the moment your relationship ended or the song that was playing the night your mother passed away. These times driving, you think might just veer over into the other lane and get it over with. But you don’t…and why, there are no simple reasons.
I was a lovestruck pheonix. I rose from the ashes of one relationship to fall into another. Whether it was healthy or not, didn’t really concern me at the time. I had morals, ones which didn’t allow me to compromise with society's peer pressures. But yet, Some call me fickle but I call it complicated just not satisfied with being alone. Yes,I can be alone at times and really enjoy the fact that I am, but love is just so desirable and wanted.
I wasn’t on the rebound at all. There was a space of a year between the dead love and the living one-the new conquest, I would always say. I wasn’t looking for love at all. It was serendipity. I had devoted my time to a job that kept me occupied. I was a traveling salesman, selling insurance to various businesses for commission. It was just a job but it was something to keep my mind off my broken heart. As I traveled from place to place, I ventured upon the idea that I would try to find myself. I wanted to learn to love me instead of loving everyone else around me.
That is when I met her. She was pale and small and didn’t say much at first. But, it was the eyes, they were dark and deep and I saw something there that I couldn’t explain. she was working at a diner as a waitress, not making very much money but neither was I. We would talk for long periods of time about how our jobs were less than what we had expected out of life and about tids and bits of everything else in life. It took several weeks of frequenting the diner before she even said hello to me, but when she warmed up, she never shut up. It was a beautiful banter, babbling sweet glossy lips made me feel all fluttery like a damn girl. Her hair was golden blonde and she had freckles sprinkled just across her nose. She was adorable, pale and very animated. But more than any other gorgeous feature she held, the eyes held me tighter. They gripped me there for way too long and even once, I was late for a meeting. Her name was Minerva and eventually she agreed to keep me company one night.
Just so happens, we managed to get some time together. She had requested a night off and agreed to take a ride with me . She insisted that I pick her up at the diner around 7 at night and that I must have her back, at least by the dawn. Her boss had pressed her about her schedule and told her she had to work the morning shift to cover her time off. She wasn’t too happy about it and she babbled on about how pissed she was. I just smiled at her from the driver’s seat until she smiled back at me. She warmed up quickly and before we had gone 30 miles, she was pressed against my shoulder caressing my thigh. I couldn’t believe the feelings that had welled up so suddenly. Was it possible for someone to fall in love so suddenly?
“Ok…ok…” I pulled my hand free and took the next dirt road to my right. I had no idea where this would lead us, but I really didn’t care.”I wanted her too.”
Driving and love making doesn’t mix so well. I grew hard beneath her roving fingers and my speaking grew stuttery. She teased me incessently. Saying I was such a nerd. I giggled like a girl and swerved into the other lane.
“M..M…Minerva, I can’t drive like this.” I said, casting a quick look at her peering lucious eyes. She just smiled
“Shhh.. what’s wrong. Can’t you handle it?” Minerva purred and tugged at my trousers.
“Listen, we should find a place to, you know, get comfortable. I can’t drive like this.” I looked desperately for some place to pull over. There hadn’t been any signs of rest stops or hotels for miles and I knew this stretch very well. There was nothing and would be nothing for awhile . I knew this was going to end up roadside. I looked for dirt roads, old buildings or anything I could find. All I could see was flat delta and fields. They flashed on either side of us creating a blurred brown ocean of earth. Minerva started to undo her blouse wiggling in her seat.
“Come on Stew, I want you.” Minerva pouted and flashed her beautiful dark eyes at me. I melted.
The scenery abruptly changed with more trees flying by on either side of the car. I felt a little relief by the option of possible cover. I drove on, looking for the best option for our little adventure. We passed several run down houses and junkyards and Minerva removed her bra. Her beautiful full breasts bounced out and pressed against my arm. she grabbed one of my hands from the steering wheel and shoved it under her skirt. When my finger slide effortlessly inside her, I could take no more.
Minerva stood up on her knees and shoved her tongue in my ear. I pulled off the dirt road into a drive. I almost ran into a fence that was on her side of the car. I paid no attention to where we were. I put the car in park and took off my jacket.
Minerva started to pull my clothes free with one hand as she tugged down her skirt. “Stewie, do you love me?”
The words caught me off guard but I responded. “yes.”
Her face lighted up and I stared into her deep dark eyes. she licked her lips and kissed me passionately.
“Stewie, would you do anything for me?” Minerva spoke in gasps between kisses.
I furrowed my brow and wondered where this was going. I pulled her back and off of my mouth. I stared at her in question. “Where are you going with this?”
She looked truly hurt by my question and turned away. I saw her lips moving but couldn’t hear her words. “Stew, I am dying. I need your help.” She returned her gaze to mine and I saw tears welling up about to tip over the edge.
“Minerva, what’s wrong, why didn’t you tell me this? How can I help you, I am just a lowly salesman?” I grabbed her shoulders and turned her to face me squarly.
“I know a lot about you, Stewie. I know you have loved many times but I know something else as well.” She swallowed hard and bit her lip. “I know you have truly never been with another. You are rare, so rare in so many ways.” she exhaled and continued. “I think you truly love me, Stewie. You was going to lose your virginity to me, tonight.”
I released her and put my head in my hand. It was all too much. She had no way of knowing any of this about me. I stepped from the car and stood against the door, ignoring her. I was angry. She must have been talking to someone, somewhere but I had no clue how she could have found the information out. I was humiliated. I was a 28 year old virgin, how much more humiliating could anything else be. I heard the other door slam and looked around. Minerva stood on the other side of the car and leaned against the roof. She was paler than usual but her eyes sparkled with the tears she never shed.
Stewie, I love you too. I need you, Stewie.” Minerva pleaded.
It was the first time I noticed where we were. A gated cemetary introduced itself with its glowing white tombstones. Minerva’s golden hair blended with the pale stones. She waited for my next reaction.
I turned to face her and spoke. “How did you know all that, Minerva?”
She walked around the car and took my hand. I let her stand close to me, it seemed her spell was working again.
“Stew, I know many things, I am very different than most girls.” She smiled sweetly and giggled. Her naked breasts shone in the moonlight and made me feel really nice again.
“You wouldn’t believe anything I told you, Stewie, so why bother explaining.” She spoke and pulled my head down to hers. She was very petite but very strong. As her moist lips met my ear, she spoke.
“Just promise me that whatever happens, you will love me.” Minerva exhaled softly and spoke again.
“I need this…I need you…you are special, like a cure for my sickness. I have looked for so very long and I am so tired, stewie.”
I felt her lips touch my neck and that is the last sensation I felt until now.
I am driving, alone and without real reason. Songs play, tears fall but I feel empty. I haven’t kept any appointments in days and I can’t think clearly. I remember a beautiful girl, one I loved. But she is gone now. I only remember how much I love her and that I saved her from death. I am dirty, covered in earth, blood and I have money in my pockets. I don’t know what this means. I look to the gauges and realize something is odd about them. The car has been slowing down and speeding up and I don’t know what’s wrong with it.
Now the car is slowing down again. I keep pushing my foot down and it won’t speed up. I look toward the horizon and frown. She told me things but I can’t seem to remember that either.
So many colors in the sky. The sun is rising. I remember, I miss the sun so badly.
Monday, March 25, 2013
This is the end, little sister.
You were my best friend. Through childhood and throughout adulthood until they took you. I really never knew the whole story about what happened. Nathan and I researched the area; all the folklore and legends. Many times, we watched you as you roamed the city streets. Of course, I am sure you knew we followed and I still do not know why you did not take him. I just assume you would not kill me because somewhere in that cold dead heart...you still loved me. There were mysteries about you that were in keeping with all the mysteries about you when you were little...little sister.
I still remember when you got pregnant in high school and decided to get an abortion. I never told our parents about that incident because I trusted your judgement. You intellect had been so inspiring and interesting. You empathy meter ran quite low at times but I always coughed it up to be because you were abused as a child. I couldn't stand to see you hurt and yet you brushed it away as being silly in my part.
I even recall the time you went into a rage at the funeral home when cousins would take pictures of the dead. You thought it was disrespectful of the dead while they were sleeping. I tried to hide my laughter as you went head to head with our aunt on the subject of funeral home paparazzis. It was just simply hilarious. Afterwards, we would talk about the whole thing and you would fume silently while our parents scolded you.
..............................................
I sit here recalling all these things about you when I really don't care. I have to keep telling myself that I hate you. After all that you took from me over the years, I have to hate you. I sit here until day turns night and I hear the scratching at my back door....just as every night before it. I sit here at the kitchen table drinking a cup of coffee and then I see your pale face peer around the corner and your dead nails begin to scratch at the screen. When you see me sitting here, you smile and breath harder...almost panting.
"Brother...You're here." you smile bigger.
I take a sip of my coffee then decide to speak to you tonight. Why not, I am so very tired of this ...this thing we have become. I must admit...by now, I am a monster as well. My thoughts have become so monstrous and hideous that I claim the family right to be a part of the monstrosity.
I speak softly. "yes, little sister...I am here."
Your breathing grows rapid and you scratch harder at the door. "Pp...Please, will...will you let me in. I only want to talk to you."
I laughed and put my hand over my mouth. The tears well up and threaten to overtake me. My heart is breaking as I pull the little gold chain from my pocket and hold it in front of the light. The tiny cross twinkles in the light above me.
"Talk...say what you want, Carmen. There is no need to let you in." I speak frankly and glance at her quickly.
I cannot look long at her coutanence. She is undead and the undead have gift of seduction. No matter how dirty from the grave they seem, they can charm the living to follow them to any lengths. I turn away quicly for my own soul and as I said before, I will not join her in death.
She grows angry as she always does and turns her head up toward the sky. She howls and gnashes her teeth, digging her sharp canines into her lower lip.
"You are my brother, how can you forsake me? We were together through everythihng...please...I need you. I have nothing else...no one." She cried red tears down her sullen face...her dead dead face...her evil coniving and horrible face. She cried for the same reason that she always cried...she cried for vengeance.
I drink the remainder of my coffee and stand. With heavy feet, I walk toward the screen door and look at her. I feel myself growing toward her, pulling toward her and being drawn into what ever she wants. Then, for some reason, I show her the cross. She cringes and hide her face from me. A volley of curse word erupt from her cold lips and she curls her purtid fingers over her eyes.
"please....please...don't hurt me. Don't hurt me anymore. I love you!" Her words are as unbelievably human as my actions for the last several years. For years, she never left the city in hopes that she could bring me over to her side. Or maybe she didn't leave for other reasons. I may never know because I had made my decision on this night.
I stepped back and shut the larger wooden door and left her to scream.
...........................
High noon at Williamson's Memorial Cemetary
I couldn't bear it anymore and that is why I had to do what I didn't want to do for so long. I had to come to you, uninhibited.
I rolled up my jacket and placed it beneathe my head. I would sleep here until nightfall.
Many times, I had witnessed you coming from this tomb. I will wait here until you return, walking ghostlike through this doorway. I will be here for you...no doors, no windows....no crosses. There will be no boundaries between you and I.
Here, I will see what lies before me. Should it be my death or yours....
little sister?
I still remember when you got pregnant in high school and decided to get an abortion. I never told our parents about that incident because I trusted your judgement. You intellect had been so inspiring and interesting. You empathy meter ran quite low at times but I always coughed it up to be because you were abused as a child. I couldn't stand to see you hurt and yet you brushed it away as being silly in my part.
I even recall the time you went into a rage at the funeral home when cousins would take pictures of the dead. You thought it was disrespectful of the dead while they were sleeping. I tried to hide my laughter as you went head to head with our aunt on the subject of funeral home paparazzis. It was just simply hilarious. Afterwards, we would talk about the whole thing and you would fume silently while our parents scolded you.
..............................................
I sit here recalling all these things about you when I really don't care. I have to keep telling myself that I hate you. After all that you took from me over the years, I have to hate you. I sit here until day turns night and I hear the scratching at my back door....just as every night before it. I sit here at the kitchen table drinking a cup of coffee and then I see your pale face peer around the corner and your dead nails begin to scratch at the screen. When you see me sitting here, you smile and breath harder...almost panting.
"Brother...You're here." you smile bigger.
I take a sip of my coffee then decide to speak to you tonight. Why not, I am so very tired of this ...this thing we have become. I must admit...by now, I am a monster as well. My thoughts have become so monstrous and hideous that I claim the family right to be a part of the monstrosity.
I speak softly. "yes, little sister...I am here."
Your breathing grows rapid and you scratch harder at the door. "Pp...Please, will...will you let me in. I only want to talk to you."
I laughed and put my hand over my mouth. The tears well up and threaten to overtake me. My heart is breaking as I pull the little gold chain from my pocket and hold it in front of the light. The tiny cross twinkles in the light above me.
"Talk...say what you want, Carmen. There is no need to let you in." I speak frankly and glance at her quickly.
I cannot look long at her coutanence. She is undead and the undead have gift of seduction. No matter how dirty from the grave they seem, they can charm the living to follow them to any lengths. I turn away quicly for my own soul and as I said before, I will not join her in death.
She grows angry as she always does and turns her head up toward the sky. She howls and gnashes her teeth, digging her sharp canines into her lower lip.
"You are my brother, how can you forsake me? We were together through everythihng...please...I need you. I have nothing else...no one." She cried red tears down her sullen face...her dead dead face...her evil coniving and horrible face. She cried for the same reason that she always cried...she cried for vengeance.
I drink the remainder of my coffee and stand. With heavy feet, I walk toward the screen door and look at her. I feel myself growing toward her, pulling toward her and being drawn into what ever she wants. Then, for some reason, I show her the cross. She cringes and hide her face from me. A volley of curse word erupt from her cold lips and she curls her purtid fingers over her eyes.
"please....please...don't hurt me. Don't hurt me anymore. I love you!" Her words are as unbelievably human as my actions for the last several years. For years, she never left the city in hopes that she could bring me over to her side. Or maybe she didn't leave for other reasons. I may never know because I had made my decision on this night.
I stepped back and shut the larger wooden door and left her to scream.
...........................
High noon at Williamson's Memorial Cemetary
I couldn't bear it anymore and that is why I had to do what I didn't want to do for so long. I had to come to you, uninhibited.
I rolled up my jacket and placed it beneathe my head. I would sleep here until nightfall.
Many times, I had witnessed you coming from this tomb. I will wait here until you return, walking ghostlike through this doorway. I will be here for you...no doors, no windows....no crosses. There will be no boundaries between you and I.
Here, I will see what lies before me. Should it be my death or yours....
little sister?
little sister 3
Give me a reason not to kill you, Carmen.
I wake every morning and realize that you are falling asleep in some cold dark tomb somewhere in the city. YOu will not leave and I wish that you would. I wish that you would leave and take our memory with you. I need no explainations from you, I need no excuses and I will not join you in death.
The day that our parents died and you didn't shed a tear, the time when our aunt lay gasping in that hospital bed and all I could think about was where in hell were you...and for fuck's sake, Carmen, you killed every pet I had when you came to my door begging to be let in...whining and fake crying as you smeared animal blood all over my door.
Give me a reason not to kill you, Carmen.
.......................
You always wanted to tag along when me and the guys went bike riding or fishing. I saw the look in your eyes when we started to leave without you. Mother tried to tell you that little girls should play with their dolls or help to clean the house but you hated that sort of thing. I would see you reading some thick book like "The Lord of the Rings" or "Roots" and you would drop it and run toward me. You knew I was leaving for fun and you wanted to go. Even though my friends beat you up, you still couldn't get enough of tagging along.
"I think I should have been something else." she spoke as we all pushed our bikes down the street.
Gary, one of my buddies would look back at her and frown. "What the hell are you talking about, squirt?"
Carmen laughed and blew air out from between her lips. "I mean...I should have been a boy, maybe or an animal."
My friends would just laugh and change the subject. Sometimes when you talked like this, they winked at you and you winked back. Even though they knew you were just a "squirt"...they were oddly disturbed by your words. Sometimes, they would sneak out to have fun without me knowing...until I saw them pushing their bikes down the alleyway. Carmen, you would come up behind me and ask me why they were going without us. I would always lie to you and say...
"The just don't like me, Carmen...I am pretty lame."
..........................
Kandice was wonderful. I think she was the most beautiful woman that I had ever met. Who am I kidding, she was just Kandice, but damn, she had a hold on me. She was only the third girlfriend that I had ever had but she seemed to complete me. I was so excited and happy about my relationship that I decided to let you meet her.
Carmen, you met Kandice only once. Then you disappeared. Shortly after you disappeared, Kandice disappeared as well. You know what you did and you know the toll it took on me, little sister. I had no idea where either of you went. I was lost and I couldn't even concentrate on work. Carmen, I lost my job. Many weeks after I lost both of you, my job and my sanity; you left a message at my back door. Wrapped in a bloody peice of paper, was the little gold chain I had given you for Christmas and a locket that I had given Kandice. The letter was written very badly but basically it said:
Bubbbbbbbba
I killedd ur Kandicce girl. I sorry.
know I dead too u..here
love
Carmen
And this is one of the reasons why I hated you.
....so give me a reason not to kill you.
I wake every morning and realize that you are falling asleep in some cold dark tomb somewhere in the city. YOu will not leave and I wish that you would. I wish that you would leave and take our memory with you. I need no explainations from you, I need no excuses and I will not join you in death.
The day that our parents died and you didn't shed a tear, the time when our aunt lay gasping in that hospital bed and all I could think about was where in hell were you...and for fuck's sake, Carmen, you killed every pet I had when you came to my door begging to be let in...whining and fake crying as you smeared animal blood all over my door.
Give me a reason not to kill you, Carmen.
.......................
You always wanted to tag along when me and the guys went bike riding or fishing. I saw the look in your eyes when we started to leave without you. Mother tried to tell you that little girls should play with their dolls or help to clean the house but you hated that sort of thing. I would see you reading some thick book like "The Lord of the Rings" or "Roots" and you would drop it and run toward me. You knew I was leaving for fun and you wanted to go. Even though my friends beat you up, you still couldn't get enough of tagging along.
"I think I should have been something else." she spoke as we all pushed our bikes down the street.
Gary, one of my buddies would look back at her and frown. "What the hell are you talking about, squirt?"
Carmen laughed and blew air out from between her lips. "I mean...I should have been a boy, maybe or an animal."
My friends would just laugh and change the subject. Sometimes when you talked like this, they winked at you and you winked back. Even though they knew you were just a "squirt"...they were oddly disturbed by your words. Sometimes, they would sneak out to have fun without me knowing...until I saw them pushing their bikes down the alleyway. Carmen, you would come up behind me and ask me why they were going without us. I would always lie to you and say...
"The just don't like me, Carmen...I am pretty lame."
..........................
Kandice was wonderful. I think she was the most beautiful woman that I had ever met. Who am I kidding, she was just Kandice, but damn, she had a hold on me. She was only the third girlfriend that I had ever had but she seemed to complete me. I was so excited and happy about my relationship that I decided to let you meet her.
Carmen, you met Kandice only once. Then you disappeared. Shortly after you disappeared, Kandice disappeared as well. You know what you did and you know the toll it took on me, little sister. I had no idea where either of you went. I was lost and I couldn't even concentrate on work. Carmen, I lost my job. Many weeks after I lost both of you, my job and my sanity; you left a message at my back door. Wrapped in a bloody peice of paper, was the little gold chain I had given you for Christmas and a locket that I had given Kandice. The letter was written very badly but basically it said:
Bubbbbbbbba
I killedd ur Kandicce girl. I sorry.
know I dead too u..here
love
Carmen
And this is one of the reasons why I hated you.
....so give me a reason not to kill you.
little sister 2
"What is death?"
I looked at you and was surprised by your curiosity at such a young age. You tapped little fingers on your thighs and waited for me to answer.
"Do you hear me, bubba...what is death?"
I gathered a make shift thought and threw it out at you dismissively. "Oh, death is just when we stop working..you know, like a broken thing."
You frowned, as you always did, because you never really liked the answers I gave you and you sure didn't like this one either.
"But I thought death was a metamorphosis. I think we change into something....more." Your little black eyes grew large and you smiled with contentment. Oh, how you seemed so pleased with yourself and the fact that you had stolen some 'big word' from television again. I laughed and beckoned you to join me in watching another horror movie.
............................
Carmen was good company. when things were less than perfect and parents were less than Stepford material, Carmen was still Carmen. She loved to ask questions about things that were less than desirable. She never asked about the flowers or the rain...Carmen wanted to know how embalming worked. She wanted to know how Dracula digested his meals and she wanted to talk to the things that I didn't see that she saw lurking in the corners of my room. I couldn't help but be strangely enamored by my sister. She just wasn't normal and that was okay for me. It was fresh and new...it added something more to the mundane life we both lived with our overbearing parents.
.............................
When you came out of your room with Uncle Ted...over and over and over again...I also didn't think much about that. After all, you were so smart that I believed you to be teaching him a thing or two about that crazy childhood intellect you had. I always laughed when he opened your door and stepped out smiling. I never noticed then how much more pale you were and how your hair was disheveled. There were so many things that went unnoticed about you because when you spoke...the other things paled in comparison, as well.
I didn't notice these things about you until it was too late and you had tried to kill uncle Ted. I would ask you what was wrong and you would say nothing...that you felt fine. I wasn't old enough to know that fine was never just fine with the female species and so I never pushed it.
The day came when you just stood in the rain with blood covering your hands and your little dress. I saw you when the school bus came up the hill; I think the others saw you too because some of the kids stood and starred out the window. When I got off the bus, you ran and sobbed loudly in my arms. I ignored the yelling bus driver and the screaming from within the house. We ran to my hiding place a couple streets down and we just sat there and waited.
I cannot say that I blame you for that hurting that filthy bastard. Too bad he didn't die on the way to the hospital. It was quite a while before they found us. You had fallen asleep when father found us and discovered my hiding place in the alley.
......................
Years and years later, when Carmen would grow up...she would frequent that alleyway and just stand there looking lost and forlorn. She remembered the past sometimes and it turned her into a stir crazy wounded beast.
Carmen fixed things sometimes...like she fixed Uncle Ted's problem. They all hated Carmen for that. I could see it in their eyes, the astonishment and the horror. But...I didn't hate Carmen for that. She was destined to be hated by me at a much older age. I had no way to escape my impending hatred for her. But for that time being, I grieved for her innocence. I grieved and grieved until she said to stop....and she did..
"Stop this, you look at me funny and I hate it." Then she would weep and run from my room.
......................
"You know, you have to take care of it, Malcolm." Nathan spoke very close to my ear as I looked out upon the park from our higher vantage point.
Nathan and I shared an apartment while working at the Insurance Company. He and I had many things in common including Horror movies and researching the paranormal. An experience in Nathan's younger life had brought an understanding between us when he found out about you. I never meant to tell him about you, Carmen...it just happened in a drunken stupor.
I looked at him for a moment then kept scanning the trees for any telltale signs of disturbance. I had been up all night watching for you. "I...I can't do that, Nate."
Nathan slammed a book down upon the table and flipped through the first pages. He stopped at a page with a picture of some winged creature. "Do you see this?" He pointed at the creature then looked up at me. "This is all she will ever be. YOu cannot change her back...do you understand?"
I starred into his eyes and frowned. "You do not understand, my friend."
Nathan picked up the book and flung it into the wall. He was suddenly furious. "I cannot deal with you. You are pathetic, Malcolm! Those things killed my family! They made Carmen the way she is and you are a quivering mass of yellow cowardiss. I am done with you!"
I was still sitting in the same spot hours after Nate had left. I was still starring out the window at the city park below me. It was an hour later before I saw you...feeding in a tree top. I still couldn't stop watching. I couldn't turn away...I couldn't walk away. I couldn't kill you either.
And the worst thing I had to face in my soul was the fact that I wouldn't help you.
I looked at you and was surprised by your curiosity at such a young age. You tapped little fingers on your thighs and waited for me to answer.
"Do you hear me, bubba...what is death?"
I gathered a make shift thought and threw it out at you dismissively. "Oh, death is just when we stop working..you know, like a broken thing."
You frowned, as you always did, because you never really liked the answers I gave you and you sure didn't like this one either.
"But I thought death was a metamorphosis. I think we change into something....more." Your little black eyes grew large and you smiled with contentment. Oh, how you seemed so pleased with yourself and the fact that you had stolen some 'big word' from television again. I laughed and beckoned you to join me in watching another horror movie.
............................
Carmen was good company. when things were less than perfect and parents were less than Stepford material, Carmen was still Carmen. She loved to ask questions about things that were less than desirable. She never asked about the flowers or the rain...Carmen wanted to know how embalming worked. She wanted to know how Dracula digested his meals and she wanted to talk to the things that I didn't see that she saw lurking in the corners of my room. I couldn't help but be strangely enamored by my sister. She just wasn't normal and that was okay for me. It was fresh and new...it added something more to the mundane life we both lived with our overbearing parents.
.............................
When you came out of your room with Uncle Ted...over and over and over again...I also didn't think much about that. After all, you were so smart that I believed you to be teaching him a thing or two about that crazy childhood intellect you had. I always laughed when he opened your door and stepped out smiling. I never noticed then how much more pale you were and how your hair was disheveled. There were so many things that went unnoticed about you because when you spoke...the other things paled in comparison, as well.
I didn't notice these things about you until it was too late and you had tried to kill uncle Ted. I would ask you what was wrong and you would say nothing...that you felt fine. I wasn't old enough to know that fine was never just fine with the female species and so I never pushed it.
The day came when you just stood in the rain with blood covering your hands and your little dress. I saw you when the school bus came up the hill; I think the others saw you too because some of the kids stood and starred out the window. When I got off the bus, you ran and sobbed loudly in my arms. I ignored the yelling bus driver and the screaming from within the house. We ran to my hiding place a couple streets down and we just sat there and waited.
I cannot say that I blame you for that hurting that filthy bastard. Too bad he didn't die on the way to the hospital. It was quite a while before they found us. You had fallen asleep when father found us and discovered my hiding place in the alley.
......................
Years and years later, when Carmen would grow up...she would frequent that alleyway and just stand there looking lost and forlorn. She remembered the past sometimes and it turned her into a stir crazy wounded beast.
Carmen fixed things sometimes...like she fixed Uncle Ted's problem. They all hated Carmen for that. I could see it in their eyes, the astonishment and the horror. But...I didn't hate Carmen for that. She was destined to be hated by me at a much older age. I had no way to escape my impending hatred for her. But for that time being, I grieved for her innocence. I grieved and grieved until she said to stop....and she did..
"Stop this, you look at me funny and I hate it." Then she would weep and run from my room.
......................
"You know, you have to take care of it, Malcolm." Nathan spoke very close to my ear as I looked out upon the park from our higher vantage point.
Nathan and I shared an apartment while working at the Insurance Company. He and I had many things in common including Horror movies and researching the paranormal. An experience in Nathan's younger life had brought an understanding between us when he found out about you. I never meant to tell him about you, Carmen...it just happened in a drunken stupor.
I looked at him for a moment then kept scanning the trees for any telltale signs of disturbance. I had been up all night watching for you. "I...I can't do that, Nate."
Nathan slammed a book down upon the table and flipped through the first pages. He stopped at a page with a picture of some winged creature. "Do you see this?" He pointed at the creature then looked up at me. "This is all she will ever be. YOu cannot change her back...do you understand?"
I starred into his eyes and frowned. "You do not understand, my friend."
Nathan picked up the book and flung it into the wall. He was suddenly furious. "I cannot deal with you. You are pathetic, Malcolm! Those things killed my family! They made Carmen the way she is and you are a quivering mass of yellow cowardiss. I am done with you!"
I was still sitting in the same spot hours after Nate had left. I was still starring out the window at the city park below me. It was an hour later before I saw you...feeding in a tree top. I still couldn't stop watching. I couldn't turn away...I couldn't walk away. I couldn't kill you either.
And the worst thing I had to face in my soul was the fact that I wouldn't help you.
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