The purrfect lover

"So, you hate cats"

The bitter twang hung at the back of my throat. The pleasure I felt from before was gone and the look in your eyes proclaimed you knew that something had turned. The thing that had turned was my last shred of hope for us. You see, I cannot feel any different about them. I know that people sacrifice things for the one they love all the time. I guess I could have agreed with you then and there but I could only stare transfixed by your words. I was even having trouble taking them in, they were so fowl and the stench of them made me nauseous.

I can see by the look on your face that you wish to run. There is not much left to hold you here because of the silly imaginations that you have conjured. I guess the coincidences of the past few days have made you think in a rather supernatural way, not common to your regular thought patterns. And, I noticed that you let it slip, the truth: that thing that was an ordinary part of you from the beginning. I see that you have admitted to your distaste for all things feline. Was it the reversal candle on the makeshift altar, was it in the way I took the pain from your wound with my hand print or was it simply the smell of Nag Champa in the air that drove you mad a little? I think it was the whole ambience of everything that surrounded you, paired with the sudden yowling from the kitchen. The female was in heat and this made you scowl so hard that you just didn’t cover it up in time.

I saw that, I saw everything you tried so hard to hide. The words you chose, oh so carefully, just weren’t careful enough. All this time I thought you were just hiding the fact that you found felines delightfully interesting. But you really do, don’t you? You really do hate cats."

"I never said I hated cats" as you spoke, your eyes looked wild and strange. You couldn’t believe I could tell so easily. "I just, wouldn’t have them in my house, that’s all."

Such an innocent expression which meant nothing at all. Did you really think that would soothe me considering you had talked of our relationship? Did you think that perchance, I would give them up to make you happy? My realization made me sit and stare at you until you said you had to leave. There was just nothing you could say and you knew it.

I stood and faced you full on, ready for whatever nonsense came rushing from your lips on your next blubbering admission. I stared deep within your green eyes and I saw it there. Oh, I saw everything you tried to hide and it enraged me. OH, I didn’t mean to get angry, it was the thing within that really got mad. The part of me that you cannot see was on fire at your truth. I just stood and stared at you with no words.

The big gray one with only one eye crept up behind you and brushed your leg. You jumped and spun around, kicking at the air. The kittie hissed and retreated back into the hallway.

"I have to go, Beni." You said as if suddenly you had thought of some urgent appointment that awaited your presence.

And so I felt suddenly sad. I may have seemed sad because you were leaving but my sadness came from your admission. I just couldn’t stomach the fact that you said what you did. As I turned to bury my face in the pillow, I saw two of them watching you. I knew they were angry after witnessing you throwing one of their own from the bed.

I buried my face deeply and refused to rise to kiss you goodbye.

"Oh come now, aren’t you going to give me a kiss before I leave?" your voice sounded forced and barely concerned. I could smell your fear and it was disgusting. I loathed and loved you all in one instant and then it all came careening down in a fireball of confusion.

I shook my head in the pillow and did not rise at all. I knew they were still in the doorway watching you. I didn’t care much.

You even sat back down on the bed and pulled me up a little. I voluntarily rolled over and looked at your face. I couldn’t hide my sadness from you and you saw it too. Your eyes grew wide with a look that told me that you thought I was crazy, nuts and over the rainbow.

"No!" I stated and pulled the pillow over my head. When I moved it away, you were still looking as astonished as before.

You rose and with a last word you spoke. "You are being selfish, I have to go."

And you left and that is fine. But it was too late, much too late and there was absolutely nothing that I could do for you now.

Night came swiftly but my sleep did not. I lie awake and twirled a long red hair around my finger. I thought of you. I wondered if you were sleeping and then I laughed. I felt the fires rise up again on the inside and I pushed the back of my head into the pillow. Arching my back and curling my toes, I stretched, desperately trying to push the angry thoughts from my brain. It was already in motion and I could feel it. The thoughts went drifting out from my lips and twisted into a smoky knot of ill intent, there before my sleepless eyes. I squinted and tried to focus on the energy as it twirled around and around itself, growing larger by the second. The humanity of me reached out for the ball of energy and tried to take it back in, tried desperately to control the power that grew there. It was useless. The energy grew huge and then, as if pulled by a strong wind, went zipping out the bedroom door. I rose from the bed and ground my teeth.


"damnit!"

Deep within my head, I heard her speak. The one who always lives there despite the changes. My immortal ever-loving soul. She told me fate had happened and there was no turning back now. All my kitties climbed in bed with me and lulled me to sleep. The voice within spoke to me from wakefulness on into my dreams.

I cannot help you now; your tongue has already danced a jig that will forever be emblazoned on the fabric of time. I watch your eyes dance too. Your brain has realized the truth as your mouth released it.

You will sleep tonight and your dreams will be filled with them. I tried to convince them that you were harmless, but they wouldn’t have any of my weak explanations. You see, I cannot own them. I cannot whisper things into their ears and expect them to follow my lead. I tried to catch your words as they floated from your lips. I tried to ask you why but you were steadfast in your ramblings.

Tonight they will come just outside your door and they will wait. If you try to strike them, the hand that you uplift will growl in pain. If you try to take them by the neck, bashing their brains out; they will hop away and you shall stumble upon your face. Every night, they will visit you and cry till the moon moves four hands across the sky. Some nights you will go outside and nothing shall be there but your own desolate shadow. They will wait and they will move from side to side sniffing at the frame of your window until you open your sanctum to the night.

I tried to get you to take it all back but you refused. I cannot help you. The things that you perceived to be real are only figments of your imagination. The things that you perceived to be fantasy are more real for you now than your hand in front of your face. Time has twisted its root deeply into the bowels of your fleeting game.

Tired, you wanted more and so I gave it. I waited to feel something real and then was left alone to contemplate the meaning of what had happened. I am perplexed, I shall not lie.

They growl at the notion of such lunacy.

I have 25 of them and they all have names. You never cared to learn their names and I shall not state them here. The only place their names reside is within my journal. I took a record of them when I got them or when they were born and this is the only place that holds their souls. I keep this information safe there. I guess I just write this so that something can redeem me of my own soul. I tried to tell him. I tried to warn him and it just did not matter in the end.

I promise, I never sent them, they just went.

I scribble these words because I want someone to know what happened and that It was not my fault. I mean, something inside me rose up and revolted against him and his hatred, but I swear it wasn’t me. I just remember he left and then that was it. There was nothing more.

I woke the morning after you left and my front door was open. There were no cats in the house except for the one with the bobtail. He sat in the doorway and seemed to smile at me. I was in such shock that at first I didn’t even panic. I just stood there and tried to understand that all my cats were outside. Before I could do much more thinking at all, one by one, they came rushing through the door. I fell to my knees and began to count them desperately as they rushed by. I felt ridiculous there upon my knees counting my cats one by one and two by two. I felt almost, animalistic. Some of them were very dirty and one even had a limp.

"Oh my poor babies" I would speak to them. "And you have been very bad!"

They may have given me a passing glance and maybe they didn’t but it didn’t matter at all.

Before I closed my front door, I noticed a very frantic cat sitting in my driveway. It’s eyes were looking up toward where I stood. I thought it was a very pretty cat until I realized it was you.

"Guys… what did you do?" I spoke to all my family which sat perched behind me with curly tails. All 25 cats stared toward where I stood and I knew what I had to do.

"Here…kitty kitty…" I called to you and you didn’t come at first. I could tell that you were very angry at me for what I had done. The thing is, I couldn’t help it and I couldn’t wish it away. It was too late.

But I promise you, you can stay here with us for as long as you want, even though you hate cats. I will make it as comfortable for you as I can.

I didn’t mean to get mad at you, its just that…it’s not easy for me to keep them at bay. It really is very hard, you see.

I hated humans once, despised them actually.

And this is what it did to me.

I looked down at my hands and realized that I still had so much trouble getting used to being without fur. I really hated walking upright like this and this talking thing was so hard sometimes. I am, although, very good at grammar and writing. I can write anything I want. Must be a gift from another life when I was human before. I have so many strange and unpleasant things that I am getting used to; and there are so many strange things that I shall never get used to. I write backwards and forwards and....ouch, I still have fleas. I hate fleas. 

But I find it curiously pleasant to be able to write my thoughts and make most people believe that I was born this way. I guess it is truly amazing. I even think like they do now, human and semi-ordinary, I suspect.

I hated humans until I became one and now I understand why they are so cold, so bitter toward us. It is the human nature to feel inadequate I suppose. I almost feel bad for them. I wonder will this work with you too. I wonder if you shall find peace in your new form, my dear.

I hope so…for your sake. Else you will not fit in here very well. I hope you understand that I only wanted the best for you.

Come, let’s have a nice cup of milk, shall we.

　

summer is a lie and so is the blue sky

I saw the blue skies as I walked down the road to my house. I saw them there, peeking through the slithering cottony clouds. It was hard and cold and blue and all I wanted to do was forget it. I wanted it all to just go away and become dark and ominous...maybe turn and revive itself into a different cheerful hue for a different story.

But it didn't. That painful hard blue sky, it stayed there and it looked at me. I thought I could turn away and I did for a moment. I trudged up the muddy embankment to my little brick house. I sat upon the lawn chair a moment and looked down at my running shoes. There were holes there, one in the toe and two on each side above the sole. This was my right foot, indeed, and it seemed I had been kicking about a bit as I was running. I had marred and destroyed my shoes in a quest to kick all the fire out of my soul.

But the blue sky reached down and reminded me that he was still there.

What does it mean? What does it matter anyway. If the blue sky cannot be possessed then why does it get to come by and remind me that it is much too far away to touch? In the cold dead lull of winter, why does the blue sky taunt and tease about how dreadfully lonely it is when it is gone.

On those days when it is dark and I have to take my vitamin D and take deep breaths to stay alive, why does it matter at all? The blue sky is gone then and outside things look gray.

They all look gray.

Happiness isn't wrong and it is fulfilling. But I want to shoot an arrow into the blue sky and see if I can inflict any pain there and maybe it will stop watching me when I run.

It will stop deceiving me and I will know that it is still winter and cold...cold as a dead heart.

The Nature of the Beast 9 (unfinished ending)

I was on my knees and I looked up toward Lawrence who stood blocking the sunlight. I couldn’t see his expression or anything really past the black silhouette of his head. I had no idea what he thought of my admission. I would never find out either because the girl from the village who always treated me as if I was never good enough, she came walking toward my shack. I saw her hard steps and clenched fists as she fast approached us. There was nothing I could do but rise and stumble back toward my doorway. I knew this was not going to be a peaceful confrontation by the set of her jaw and the look in her eyes. She did, however, have this strange smirk about her face and it brought shivers to my bones. I wanted away from here and so I stood directly in my open doorway. Lawrence turned to see why I was retreating.

 

Her name was Ramona, for whatever it is worth. For, as soon as she reached Lawrence, she was chattering loudly.

 

“Whatever are you doing out here, Lawrence?” Ramona stood and glared form him to me and put her hands on her hips. She motioned toward me and then leaned in to whisper.

 

 Lawrence looked and me and then back to Ramona. I saw a strange pity in his eyes and then fear. He leaned back toward Ramona and his hands started to move rapidly, pointing, waving and then growing still. Ramona leaned in once more and pulled at his shirt. She pulled harder still and tugged him from my porch and into the pure light of day. He jerked away from her hands and turned back toward me. I saw him fold his arms across his chest and sigh. I could see his face much better and his eyes glimmered in the sunlight. One more tug from Ramona and Lawrence turned angrily toward her and barked his protest. I heard his last words and they were strange.

 

“She isn’t a witch, Ramona!” Lawrence screamed and then immediately put his hand back over his mouth. He realized a little too late that he had spoken way too loudly. His face was a mass of confusion.

 

He had no certainty in what he said, any more than I knew with any certainty that I would be able to resist the next turn.

 

I stood timidly. I could feel myself shaking but I wanted to be brave.

 

Lawrence spoke once more, “Yelvina, I am sorry. I have to go.”

 

I watched them leave together and felt my heart sink. I knew she was there to protect him from me. They all were. I should be thankful that they all didn’t kill me. I was blessed to be alone and without them.

 

The lies I fed myself were not comforting. The nights that followed were not comforting either. I did not find solace in the fact that things would forever be unfinished and unknown.

 

As I finish my last entry of my journal, I wonder what it will be like somewhere else. I wonder if I shall ever forget Lawrence, and I doubt this as I roll the thought around in my head.

 

I will not say that I am innocent because I am not. I could try to forget, but I will not, not ever. I cannot say when it happened, as I cannot remember when I was cursed with my illness. I see them parallel. My love and my destruction have come upon me from out of nowhere and changed my entire life.

 

I cannot always have what I want. I have wished upon every star of the night to be normal like the others. I have wished upon those same stars to have one night with Lawrence again just so I could say goodbye in a proper manner.

 

Sometimes, I have found, you just never get what you want. Unfortunately, this doesn’t dull the aching.

 

As my lupine feet hit the ground, I hunger.

As my human feet touch the ground, I weep.

 

Which pain is worse, I have no idea.

 

But when I weep, I remember.

The Nature of the Beast 8 (To love a beast)

In an attempt to save my soul, I hid away again. I downed my black bear cloak and sat within my little shack. The air was growing cooler and so it was comfortable to do this. It was still some time until my next moon and so I busied myself with experimenting with teas and stews. I cooked rabbit stew with wild turnips and made cakes from acorn paste. The herbs I found were splendid in creating a wonderful taste to my wild feasts. I took in wild onion, dandelion greens and also clover and mint. I noticed the mint was wonderful upon my tongue and so I inhaled to feel the coolness of it.

 

I studied again with the sister round the fire and felt my laughter bubble up and out of me like a fountain. I found much fun in the days that followed with my others. The things I learned and the things I enjoyed made my chest feel full and my legs longed to run in happiness.

 

I would lay down when I was tired, there by the fire. I felt the cool air grow crisp and I thought of going inside the shack. There was a part of me however that was never really there.

 

This was always hard to explain to myself, much less others. I could be happy, laughing away but then when I grew still, I felt disjointed. I would search the days and nights for why I was unhappy. There had to be a reason why that little dark place never gained any light from my mirth.

 

On those cold and crisp nights, I would look up into the black sky and see the stars. I pretended that I could talk to them and that they could help me. I spoke in my mind and questioned them as I would have questioned others. I wanted to know why I had this void. They never answered me, they just kept winking at me from above. I would pull my huge bear skin blanket up over me and turn away from them. That is when I would just look into the fire. I questioned the fire as well. The fire was just as quiet as the stars.

 

When I grew weary of questioning everything, I closed my eyes. The water from tears unfallen would pool underneath my lids until they pushed out and over my cheeks. I knew it had to happen, the tear would always fall. It would never be right, until I knew for certain.

 

I would never rest until I knew how he felt.

 

In a fortnight, the moon was full and the alconitum did not work. I remember waking near the village, just behind the blackberry bushes. I had blood all over my body.

 

Of course I ran right back to my home. I washed in the lake and hid beneath my furs. I was terrified. I had no idea what had happened the night before. I wanted to know who or what had become my victim and how far I would have to run. I waited for days within my shack, eating scraps from the days before. I heard nothing.

 

When I finally decided to go outside, I saw Lawrence coming up from the north field. I was shocked, so shocked that I even ducked back inside. Every nerve in my body reacted to him, every little twitching muscle drove me to peer back around the doorway at his approach. He was dressed as before, with plain trousers and shirt. He looked a little frightened as he glanced from left to right and then back at my home. I couldn't stand it anymore and so I walked out to greet him.

 

He stopped a few feet away and just stared at me. I didn't say anything either but I smiled a bit.

 

He spoke first and he said, "I wanted to come and warn you, that there is a beast on the loose. I think you should be careful out here."

 

I felt relief at the fact that this was just protocol; at the

same time, I wanted more.

 

"Thank you, Lawrence. I have my weapons and I have seen no "beasts" round here."

 

He bit the corner of his lip and then shuffle around with his feet. I saw that he wanted to say something like he always does, but he kept quiet.

 

"Do you wish to tell me anything else, Lawrence?" I spoke bravely.

 

He held out his hand to me and offered something familiar. It was my mother's locket. I immediately felt for my throat and seen that it was indeed gone. I was angry at myself for losing it and even angrier still for not knowing that it was gone. In all the strange and harrowing aftermath of my transformation, I had neglected to notice the absence of the locket.

 

"Here, I think this is yours. I remember you showing this to me many times before. I just wanted to make sure you didn't lose it."

 

I reached and took the necklace in a hurry and gripped it tightly in my fist. Opening my hand, I noticed that the locket was also covered in dark blood. I glanced at his hand and it too was spotted with blood. I had no idea what it meant and so I sat down on the ground, then and there.

 

"Lawrence, can I tell you something?" I spoke looking up at him with sincerity.

 

"yes, of course." he answered timidly. His eyes grew bigger and his anticipation beamed in his gaze.

 

"I really like you, Lawrence. I mean, I like you and I want you to see the truth of me."

 

He looked confused and turned his head to the side. I know my mind was different, that I was different and that I was the beast and that he probably knew I was the beast....at least in some distant place in his mind. I knew that he knew and I couldn't seem to get it deep enough into his mind to get him to grasp it. I wanted, for one moment in time, for denial to disappear.

 

Lawrence looked shocked and he just stood stunned.

 

" I love you in the only way broken things can love."

The Nature of the Beast 7 (Lack of communication)

We sat, and for a very long period, we only fumbled with our hands. I heard him first speak to me before I looked up from the waters silvery surface. He seemed calm and wanted to ask me many questions about how I was doing out here in the wilderness. He always looked surprised and bright eyed about it all.

 

 He carried this strange luminating optimism whenever he was in a good mood which contrasted starkly with his other side. I had seen him angry before, when his father had left him with too many chores to do, he had grown very livid and he had kicked things around, shouting profanities. I remember that I had laughed at him and he had grown angry at me as well, throwing an apple in my direction.

 

 I watched his eyes dance as he listened, waiting for me to answer his silly questions. They were not questions that I wanted him to ask because I was impatient. I wanted to be mean, all of a sudden. I wanted to call him out on things that I had noticed, things that he wished to stay hidden. But, I decided to smile and put my mask on for a while…and just answer the silly questions. Maybe if I answered the silly ones, he would ask something more interesting.

 

“I am fine, Lawrence.”

 

Suddenly he looked sad. He and I both knew that this conversation could easily shift in any direction. I was terrified of humans, simply because they made me feel so sub-par. From early childhood, I have felt like I do not belong among them. I felt that way up until I finally left them all. Here in the wilderness, it was different. The animals did not see me as the humans saw me. The animals were kind and understanding. I decided then to give him my generic answer once more to keep him from digging further.

 

“I am really fine, doing great out on my own. I like it here.”

 

I smiled then turned away from him. I couldn’t stand to look into his eyes. That was one place that I did not think I could ever escape from if I lingered too long. I had so many words fighting to get through my lips. I felt them quivering as he talked about how the village really needed me and how my gifts could be of great use. I started to drift away in his words.

 

I looked at him suddenly and spoke from off the top of my head. “Why did you come here? Why have you been spying on me and not saying anything?”

 

I meet his eyes and this time, I decided to hold them there.

 

He did not speak at first and then he started to sputter between words and random sounds. It was clear that he didn’t expect that question at all.

 

“I mean it, Lawrence…I guess you shall do as you always have and leave me to question everything because your torment is so great. I mean it, Lawrence, I want to know.”

 

Lawrence didn’t speak because Lawrence never speaks freely of himself. He answers my questions when he wants to, when it is convenient for him and not too awkward. He paints the sky blue when it is really black, he tries to make me feel like everything is perfect when it is so very painful. He tries to make me see that I am normal when I am not. He denies everything. He looks at me and he closes his eyes on the inside, because that is safe.

 

I rose from that spot and realized that I was in terrible pain. The realization that he would leave and I would be alone again, that feeling tore through me and burned like a hot blade. I had to go, I had to run.

 

All I could think of was running. I wanted to rip through the underbrush and jump the spring, up the hill and into the fields. I wanted to run until I had left the pain behind. But I stood there. I looked down at him and knew that he was not pleased by my question. His forehead creased and he let out a long exhale.

 

He spoke, he did. “I am sorry, Yelvina.”

 

And then he rose too and he left. I was still standing on the levee when Andreea put her phantom arms around me and Ona kissed my cheek.

 

“Its okay sweetie, let us make you some tea.”

 

The Nature of the Beast 6 (The man I love)

I saw him again and his presence startled him. I saw his face right before he ducked down behind the brush. The sight of him reminded me of a ground hog ducking back down into his hole, this made me laugh.

 

“Lawrence, whatever are you doing?”

 

I was in a right cheerful mood and decided to even move toward him. The sun was out and bright, the skies were void of any clouds and blue as blue was not the real color of Lawrences eyes. I stopped in my tracks and examined my thought process of the moment. I realized that even nature was vain to try and mimick the beauty of this human being that hid from me. The sky could never be as blue as Lawrence and his eyes…eyes that changed like my moods.

 

“Lawrence, I am having quite a day of madness. I would love it if you came out from hiding for a moment. I need to have a word with you.”

 

I pushed aside the branches and held up the edge of my skirt with the other hand. I had to climb across the rocks and across the levee to get to him. He was still there because I could smell him. I loved the way he smelled, it was magical and the way….I realized that I was obsessing again and so I called out once more.

 

“Listen here, you little short man! I could have you in my hands and beating the life of ya, in a minute!”

 

Lawrence stood then and straightened his vest and trousers. His face looked strange and hot with anger. This was even very attractive and amusing to me.

 

I spoke then as I grew very near him. “what say, we have a seat on the levee and talk? I am rather curious as to why you are hiding in my bushes.”

 

Lawrence looked confused and spoke suddenly. “Your bushes? I thought this was just part of the public domain?”

 

I smiled and shook my head. “no sweet cakes, this is my domain. I hunt this land. By my rights, this is part of me yard. See, that’s me house, there.” I pointed to the shack just north of the levee.

 

“I see, I suppose we can have a sit and chat, then.”

 

We walked side by side to the levee’s edge. The water of the lake was beautiful. I saw him in the reflection and I smiled. I saw myself there too.

 

And there was no beast.

The Nature of the Beast 5 ( The duality)

When my eyes met hers, she relented to my stare. I spoke once more and it was all that I was going to say on that matter.

 

“yes, I love him…and that is why I would never…never…ever……take something that is not feely given from someone that I truly love.”

 

I left her standing there in the darkness of my mind.

 

I came to my little shack, opened the door and sat against the wall.

 

I thought of Lawrence and hoped that he would make it back safely.

 

 

In reality, I really do not know what to say about him. He was always very courteous to me, smiling and being a right gentleman. There was always this undertone of something though. I could smell something in his demeanor, it smelled sweet and alluring and sometimes I had to turn away because it was so strong. Lawrence would always end our conversations quickly as if he had to get away. I believed this to be that he didn’t really care for my company all that much, like the girls of the village. Then there were times that his face would light up when he seen me. I was confused, to be quite honest and so I left it alone and tried to fit in with the other girls. Of course that would be a lost cause and now I am in the forest in the company of me.

 

Lawrence stayed away for a bit and I really didn’t know what to make of it. Had he grown tired of spying on me? Were the women teaching him that I was bad business? I had no idea why and I realized that I was worrying entirely too much about someone from the outside of my existence. I resolved to think of other things…things like my studies. The others Andreea, Ona and myself, we sat sitting by the fire again and learned the ways of the Duality.

 

The Duality, unlike the Triad was placed in existence to teach us that everything has darkness and light. My sisters put their hands on the fire and spoke together.

 

“Mother earth put out the fire, show us darkness in this shire”.

 

All was black as long as my sisters held down the embers of the dying fire. The looked up and I looked up with them.

 

Andreea spoke. “You see…up there, the stars, the great mother moon. Their home is pure.”

 

I looked up at the moon and cringed. I knew the moon for things

unspeakable. It’s face reminded me of nights covered in the gore of my kill. I did not see the moon as my friend. The others frowned toward me as they noticed my face had grown angry.

 

Ona spoke. “We know why you hate the moon so. You must not hate the moon. The moon is not at fault for your pain. The moon is there to guide you. See it for the beauty it is.”

 

At that, I left the fire. I didn’t finishe my lessons that night nor did I return to the fire for a weeks past. The sisters did not come to me either; they let me work through my pain. By the time I was ready to return to the fire, the fullness of the moon was very nearly upon me.

 

I walked up to their circle, fire burning brightly; and sat down upon mother earth. The lesson that night was about wolf. I tried not to flinch, I tried not to grow angry. I learned that wolf was the light. The sisters pointed back to the moon and smiled at me.

 

“see, your dear friend holds the light for another, like a jar full of fireflies. The light is life and the light resides in the wolf.

 

I was disgusted by them. This time I left the fire and did not return until my moon had passed. When I returned from the hunt on the last night of the blood moon, I told them that I had no more interest in Raven and wolf. They said they would teach me other things instead.

 

Their disapproval was obvious. I stared into my own face, three fold around the fire. I saw my own disappointment reflected…..as I had saw the beast in the water’s surface reflecting a part of me as well