There is an emptiness that is hard to explain. It rambles through my head, keeping me up at night and driving me towards the light of day with dreams and nightmares. The emptiness provides a way to explain my insanity, because insanity would be what you call it. There is no means to an end, except to end it properly. This emptiness raves throughout the days as something that must be heard. I have never been caught in such loud screams and such harsh clawing hands of this nothing.
I look deeply within and I see it there. It awaits me. It has taken root, a root that I supplied with nutrients, and it has dug down to the very deepest depths of me. It has made home within.
A fool am I, that I should create such emptiness and drop bread crumbs along the trail for emptiness to find me. I sit patiently in the waiting room of my dark and devious physician and I watch the hands of the clock. They are not moving and time has definitely stood still for the nothing that I crave.
As I close my eyes, I cannot see you there, I cannot feel nor hear your voice. I quickly understand what it all means.
It's coming, the midnight hour and the hands of the clock are already there, stopped and waiting for me. One shoe is missing and my heart is bursting from my chest. They are coming for me, the emptiness, the nothing and the wicked witch.
There is an emptiness that is hard to explain and a shadow which always remains. The crazy fairy dances in my brain and no one eats the clues that I drop. There is nothing and this is all just a figment of my imagination.
But a dream that I cannot wake.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Me and my Shadow
Everyone has a shadow. But when mine comes around, all other shadows disappear.
I was not sick. I refused to believe that something was wrong with my brain. They all said the same thing and the process of medication was structured. One pill a day; three medications crafted for psychosis, seizures and depression. The thing is, it ended up being the same routine every single time. If I missed a couple doses, the things come back, the shadow monsters, the shadows…my shadows.
I am not sick, I am not crazy. There is just something inside me that is not me. Sometimes that thing lives outside of me as well.
Region II
“I understand.”
I fidget in my plush chair and stare out the window to my left. There is something out there that will not let me remove my gaze; but I cannot see anything but cars, grass and the window of the hospital’s east wing. Beyond that is the shadow created by the sun. The day is partially sunny, partially cloud, No, it is not a gloomy Sunday. But I like that song. My mind flits between ideas, music and patterns, as I sit with my therapist, Marva.
“Chelsea, are you okay?”
The therapist leaned across her desk and folded her hands together. She really didn’t look all that concerned by my wandering gaze. Her job was just to listen. I didn’t answer; I just turned toward her and nodded my head. My lips moved a few minutes before I managed to get the words out.
“I am okay. It’s just the thing, you know.”
I turned back toward the window to watch the thing that was almost invisible. The shadow retreated from the surface of the brick wall and moved across the parking lot. Even though my eyes could only detect minimum changes in the outside environment, my brain was sending alarms. I recognized the sensation immediately.
Turning toward the therapist again I spoke. “They are coming for me.”
The tears streamed down my cheeks and my lips quivered. Gripping the arms of my plush chair, I start to rise. I felt them all around and I stop trying to rise from my seat. Inside my chest, beneath my ribcage, I feel my heart thumping furiously. All around me they flew and moved in to make themselves known. I feel the cold breeze caress my nose and then move down my neck.
“Please, you got to help me! They are going to get me.”
“What do you mean? Who is going to get you, Chelsea?”
Marva, my therapist rose from her chair and walked around to the front of her desk. She reached for the phone and lifted the receiver. After pressing a series of buttons, she put the phone to her face. I knew exactly when someone came onto the phone line because she sucked in a sudden breath. It was as if she had been holding her breath and waiting for those things to make themselves known to her as well. Who was I kidding, Marva didn’t see them. No one saw them but me. I hated myself for being different.
“Paul, talk to the medic and ask him if Chelsea can take those old medications until her psychiatric appointment Friday.”
Marva listened and nodded her head. She frowned suddenly and spoke.
“Yes, I understand.”
She set the receiver back onto its cradle and cupped her hands. I stared at Marva. She was a pretty middle-aged therapist. Her red hair cascaded onto her shoulders and I couldn’t stop staring at her green eyes. At the moment, she looked very concerned for me. Sometimes, she looked as though she cared less. Trying to focus on something had been proven to me, a helpful endurance to the visitations that surrounded me. I focused on Marva and tried to read her mind. I focused on her form, her beautiful curves and how she looked like a cartoon. There was no darkness about her, she was pure. I could have sworn she didn’t even have a shadow.
Marva stared at me and frowned. I waited, staring back into Marva. I was whimpering and digging my nails into the chair arms.
Marva spoke. “Well, you cannot take those old medications. It seems that a year can take away the effectiveness of the seizure medication. If you take the other two medications they will take away the psychosis and the depression, but you will still have the mania to deal with. I cannot suggest that you take the old meds.”
Fear gripped me tightly. “So, what do I do?”
Marva rose and walked back around her desk. She pulled out the chair and sat down slowly. As she opened her mouth, I saw rows of perfectly placed white teeth.
The therapist spoke slowly. “Listen, I am going to try and get you into the office before the week is up. You can get your medications then. Personally, I do not think you need the medications at all. If I could convince the psychiatrist that all you need is therapy, I believe you could recover so much faster.
I panicked. She had no idea how hard it was to avoid the “things”. She was clueless about how they ruled the shadows in the corners of the room. Marva didn’t take me seriously.
“I cannot leave like this.” I held out both hands exposing the scarred underbelly of my forearms. Rows of healed slash marks contrasted against the unmarred flesh of their surroundings. Marva couldn’t help but look at my arms. She furrowed her brow.
“Chelsea, would you like to be on inpatient status?”
The thought rolled around in my head. I hadn’t thought about that. I could stay in the center and the shadows may not be as bad, at least some of the time. If I grew frightened, I could call for help. I could stay here until Friday, and then get my meds. By the time I got back home, I would be free of the shadows.
“Yes, can I?” I leaned forward and rubbed the wood of Marva’s desk.
She smiled and picked up the phone receiver once more. “Sure, let me make arrangements for you. This will only take a moment.”
Who was I kidding, the shadows would always come without my pills. I just felt better knowing that I didn’t have to be alone with them this time.
………………………………….
The room was small, very small, and I was alone. I appreciated that fact. On the bed was a stack of clothing and a bag of hygienic products. I had also been allowed to contact my brother so that he could bring any other items that I may need. I looked around the room and saw a television, a chair and a small table. This seemed good enough. The air was a little too cold but I would manage. The first thing I wanted to do was sleep.
I crawled beneath the blanket and fell fast asleep. It was late when I woke again. I could tell by the darkness of the room.
…………………………………………
“You are mine, every part of you.” The thing hovered over me. Its bright eyes were the most prominent thing about the creature. I saw shadows swirling about its body and the smell was horrible. I held my breath and whimpered.
“Leave me alone, please.” I spoke between sobs.
As the thing got closer, its breath burned my face. I saw the eyes get smaller as the thing spoke again.
“You have always been mine, Chelsea.”
Pieces of the creature broke free from the host and swirled about. They were flying black leaches that suddenly bared needle sharp teeth. I cringed drawing back from the swirling mass of monsters.
“Why?”
The large part of the shadow stood taller suddenly and let out a choking noise from its maw. I saw the sharpened teeth as menacing as the small parasites that rushed around it. The thing reached out embracing its parasitic babies.
“Because you see us, the shadows.” The thing looked back down at me and I could see its eyes grow brighter. It smiled and tiny fangs protruded from its bite. A long black tail whipped from behind the creature and brushed the skin of my face. I gasped suddenly drawing back from the jagged and dark shadow monster. I couldn’t breath suddenly and my heart was pounding.
……………………………….
I awoke in a puddle of sweat and grasped my chest. My breath was coming fast and my heart was beating hard. I could hear the meaty drum in my ears. I could also still remember the shadow’s words.
“You are mine.”
I shivered and pushed the nurse’s button.
“Yes, may I help you?” The nurse spoke across the intercom.
I hesitated and then spoke slowly. “I need someone, I am freaking out.”
The intercom was silent for a moment, then the low voices of two people consulted with each other in a hushed tone.
“Ms. Roberts, are you okay?” The nurse asked.
I held my face in my hands and spoke once more, becoming irritated. “No! I am freaking out. I need someone! I am scared, please help me!.”
The intercom died.
The wait was long, or so it seemed. Moments may have passed but they seemed like years. I watched the darkened areas of the wall as they moved with the sun’s rays which shot through the window. I watched closely to see if the shadows suddenly became “the shadow thing” and if they would start to talk with bright eyes. I looked out the window at the trees. The green leaves swayed in the breeze.
Time went by and no one came, neither did the shadow. My heart raced furiously as the wait dragged on. My eyelids grew heavy just as Marva entered the room. She was smiling at me.
“Hello Chelsea.”
I watched Marva’s red hair sway as she took a seat in the corner chair. Her smile never left her. She has a small notebook in one hand and a pen in the other. I suppose she wanted to document the strange moment with the psychotic patient. I was the psychotic patient and she was the normal lady. I hated the card that I had been dealt.
“So, tell me what is happening today, Chelsea.” Marva took a pair of glasses from her white coat and placed them on her face. She moved the pen to paper and wrote something down.
“The shadows are trying to kill me.” It was the only way that I could make Marva understand. I had no tangible evidence of what was happening to me. The only way to convey the process of the shadow was to speak frankly of the shadow and wait for the traditional scratch of the head. It was obvious that Marva did not believe that the shadow existed because of what she said next.
“What I think is going on here, is the fear of being alone. You were adopted then abandoned, your love life has been very sparse and you feel like an outsider with your friends. I see that you are pushing everyone away with your insecurities.”
Marva stopped writing, she stopped talking and looked up at me. Removing her glasses she deemed to speak once more.
“Now, let’s be honest. These shadows are not real, Chelsea, they are just fear, insecurity and rejection.”
I looked at her eyes and understood that my case was a hopeless one. I could never get Marva to believe the shadows were real. I would take the medication and hope that my mind would be numb enough to not care. This is what I have always done before; and this is what I will do again. It is the only way.
“Chelsea, I really do not think that you need the medication. A good counseling session would work wonders for you. Now, I have talked to your regular psychiatrist and he agrees with me.” Marva removed her glasses and chewed on the ear piece.
My heart suddenly leapt into a thrumming beat. I felt sick and even dizzy. The thought of doing this on my own terrified me. Climbing down from the bed, I went to my knees.
“Please, Ms. Paterson, I have to have the medication. I cannot face this, please”
Marva watched me with criticizing eyes. She cleared her throat and shifted in her seat.
“Chelsea, I really think this is for the best.”
I was defeated. Although I knew in my heart that she was not going to budge, I cried to her. I sobbed pitifully on the floor, face against the hard linoleum. Then I screamed until someone came to save Ms. Marva from the crazy girl. Unfortunately, this still did not warrant my medication. I was doomed.
………
Don’t get me wrong, I hated the meds. I wanted to be free from the confines of “their” world. The thing is, after freedom was realized, something else followed along behind this freedom. The longer that I went without my medication, the closer I got to something much more complicated than the therapy and its structural aspects. I was on a wild ride, up and down from mountain top to low land valley. I felt the wind through my hair, the sun on my face and my senses were reeling.
But something was watching me. It grew larger as time went on. I could feel it whip around my head and pull close to my ear. The whisper was low but very distinct. It wanted to possess me for its own. I do not know why and what diabolical plan the shadow had, I just know that I had to make it go away.
I started to weigh my options. I loved the freedom from the medications but I hated the shadow thing, it terrified me. It lurked just outside my vision waiting for me to falter. I thought that maybe it was death or maybe even some ghost who was at unrest. As my thoughts drifted from one hypothesis to another, the shadow pulled near to speak again.
“I am none of these.” The voice was serrated knives dragging across my skin. I felt pain at the sound of the shadow’s whispering.
I guess it never really mattered what the shadow really was. I weighed my options and found the answer where I least expected it. I chose sanity over freedom; and I called Marva to schedule my appointment.
…………………..
It was cold in the hospital bed. I pulled my knees up and under my arms, resting in fetal position. I waited. I knew it would come as it did on most other nights. It would come and do as it wished. Whether it had plans to take me away or whether it just loved to see my torment, the truth was beyond me. It was my birthday and I thought that I would be doing something different than lying in this hospital room, surrounded my pristine and sterile instruments of despair. I hated this place and wished that I had never came back here. What was the point anyway?
The curtains shifted. It was a slight movement that may have otherwise gone unnoticed if I hadn’t been gazing around the room, taking inventory of my surroundings. A inky black smoke crept down the curtain’s edge and onto the floor. I knew it was here.
“No, please, no!” I pulled the white sheet underneath my chin and shivered.
The black shadow moved toward the bed disappearing from my sight range. The air grew colder and the lights from the nurses call button flickered and then went out, as did the bathroom night light. The smell came again. It was the unmistakable smell of the thing, the shadow.
“What do you want?” I asked in desperation.
There was nothing but a low in-audible whispering which seemed to encase the entire room. Voices high and low swept in cradling my ears and then swept back out to fill the air again.
“Please, tell me what you want.” I pleaded. “you come to me and yet you do nothing.”
I challenged the darkness which twisted around and around itself. I challenged the two yellow eyes that formed within the dark shadowy nightmare. My teeth were clenched as were my fists; my eyes watered with emotions stirring deep inside me. I wanted it to be over. I wanted the shadows to cease their torture.
“Please stop tormenting me…please.” I spoke and then curled back into a ball at the edge of the bed. I felt a shadow hand touch my shoulder.
“Do not be alarmed. There is no pain and there is no more torment.” The shadow hand caressed my shoulder and then moved to pat my head. I felt the cool sensation through my hair as the shadow twined its tendrils underneath each lock. I felt strange suddenly. I felt as though I had been waiting for this moment my entire life. There was a sudden dutiful emotion; I felt the waves of sorrow and joy collide into something quiet and still. It was the monster’s touch which soothed me.
“It is time, Chelsea” The monster cooed.
I stared into blackness as the shadow formed a bright yellow smile beneath the bright yellow eyes. The evil smiley face grinned and grinned as if it was horribly delighted by my terror.
“Today is a special day, Chelsea. Today, you are welcomed into the flock.” The thing chuckled and whispered to the others. I couldn’t understand the whispers and frankly, I couldn’t understand why I was special on this special day.
“Please tell me why you are haunting me.” I asked pleadingly.
The shadow lost its smile and its eyes narrowed. The little yellow slits quivered suddenly. The thing made a growling noise and then whispered again to the flying shadow parasites which whipped and flew around its dark mass. Then the thing smiled once more; and then it spoke to me.
“Your world is dying, Chelsea. This place will be gone in a very short time. They know nothing of what will happen to them, to you,if you run from me.” The monster waited…” If you take the medication, you will not be able to hear me anymore; and your chance will be lost.”
I contemplated what the shadow said but it meant nothing to me. I couldn’t understand how the world would end and how I was to be saved by the shadows. Why me?
“Why me?” I asked with eyes now drying from the previous tears.
The shadows stood still. Even the swirling shadows pulled together and re-entered the shadow leader’s mass.
The shadow’s eyes widened and it spoke. “You, why you, huh… You have the ability to see the shadows. What most see as a reflection of their own form, you see as a living thing. That is just it, we are alive. We see what you do, we see how you act and we see the most intelligent of your species. Why, we have followed you for centuries and you have ignored us.
It is time that you followed us for a change.
You call us shadows and you are right. We are the shadows of mankind. Those who see us for what we truly are, these are the ones who deserve to live. You see, we do not truly follow. It is humanity which has left us behind. It is humanity which should be following our lead.
I sat there and thought about what the shadow said. I was no longer afraid and I understood completely. I decided to test the theory of what the thing was implying. I stood and walked around the bed. There by the bedside was a nightstand with a lamp. The light hurt my eyes terribly even when I wasn’t starring right into its brilliance. Moving between the light and the bed, I stood still.
I looked behind me to find my shadow; but my shadow wasn’t there. My shadow stood tall beyond the bed, a living breathing thing which just called me an intelligent being. I saw its yellow eyes and a bright yellow smile, these things intrigued me. He beckoned me to come and follow him home.
………………………..
I am not sick. I will not get the medication and I suppose Marva expected a rise from me. When she came to my room with the psychiatrist, they were very kind. They talked to me for a while and made plans to find a residency for my inpatient stay. I would remain here for a while and undergo therapy. When time was done with them, I would be ready to go.
Marva moved toward my bed, followed by Dr. Kraus. Neither of them has a shadow and neither of them had a clue of their impending doom.
I am not sick, I am special.
I was not sick. I refused to believe that something was wrong with my brain. They all said the same thing and the process of medication was structured. One pill a day; three medications crafted for psychosis, seizures and depression. The thing is, it ended up being the same routine every single time. If I missed a couple doses, the things come back, the shadow monsters, the shadows…my shadows.
I am not sick, I am not crazy. There is just something inside me that is not me. Sometimes that thing lives outside of me as well.
Region II
“I understand.”
I fidget in my plush chair and stare out the window to my left. There is something out there that will not let me remove my gaze; but I cannot see anything but cars, grass and the window of the hospital’s east wing. Beyond that is the shadow created by the sun. The day is partially sunny, partially cloud, No, it is not a gloomy Sunday. But I like that song. My mind flits between ideas, music and patterns, as I sit with my therapist, Marva.
“Chelsea, are you okay?”
The therapist leaned across her desk and folded her hands together. She really didn’t look all that concerned by my wandering gaze. Her job was just to listen. I didn’t answer; I just turned toward her and nodded my head. My lips moved a few minutes before I managed to get the words out.
“I am okay. It’s just the thing, you know.”
I turned back toward the window to watch the thing that was almost invisible. The shadow retreated from the surface of the brick wall and moved across the parking lot. Even though my eyes could only detect minimum changes in the outside environment, my brain was sending alarms. I recognized the sensation immediately.
Turning toward the therapist again I spoke. “They are coming for me.”
The tears streamed down my cheeks and my lips quivered. Gripping the arms of my plush chair, I start to rise. I felt them all around and I stop trying to rise from my seat. Inside my chest, beneath my ribcage, I feel my heart thumping furiously. All around me they flew and moved in to make themselves known. I feel the cold breeze caress my nose and then move down my neck.
“Please, you got to help me! They are going to get me.”
“What do you mean? Who is going to get you, Chelsea?”
Marva, my therapist rose from her chair and walked around to the front of her desk. She reached for the phone and lifted the receiver. After pressing a series of buttons, she put the phone to her face. I knew exactly when someone came onto the phone line because she sucked in a sudden breath. It was as if she had been holding her breath and waiting for those things to make themselves known to her as well. Who was I kidding, Marva didn’t see them. No one saw them but me. I hated myself for being different.
“Paul, talk to the medic and ask him if Chelsea can take those old medications until her psychiatric appointment Friday.”
Marva listened and nodded her head. She frowned suddenly and spoke.
“Yes, I understand.”
She set the receiver back onto its cradle and cupped her hands. I stared at Marva. She was a pretty middle-aged therapist. Her red hair cascaded onto her shoulders and I couldn’t stop staring at her green eyes. At the moment, she looked very concerned for me. Sometimes, she looked as though she cared less. Trying to focus on something had been proven to me, a helpful endurance to the visitations that surrounded me. I focused on Marva and tried to read her mind. I focused on her form, her beautiful curves and how she looked like a cartoon. There was no darkness about her, she was pure. I could have sworn she didn’t even have a shadow.
Marva stared at me and frowned. I waited, staring back into Marva. I was whimpering and digging my nails into the chair arms.
Marva spoke. “Well, you cannot take those old medications. It seems that a year can take away the effectiveness of the seizure medication. If you take the other two medications they will take away the psychosis and the depression, but you will still have the mania to deal with. I cannot suggest that you take the old meds.”
Fear gripped me tightly. “So, what do I do?”
Marva rose and walked back around her desk. She pulled out the chair and sat down slowly. As she opened her mouth, I saw rows of perfectly placed white teeth.
The therapist spoke slowly. “Listen, I am going to try and get you into the office before the week is up. You can get your medications then. Personally, I do not think you need the medications at all. If I could convince the psychiatrist that all you need is therapy, I believe you could recover so much faster.
I panicked. She had no idea how hard it was to avoid the “things”. She was clueless about how they ruled the shadows in the corners of the room. Marva didn’t take me seriously.
“I cannot leave like this.” I held out both hands exposing the scarred underbelly of my forearms. Rows of healed slash marks contrasted against the unmarred flesh of their surroundings. Marva couldn’t help but look at my arms. She furrowed her brow.
“Chelsea, would you like to be on inpatient status?”
The thought rolled around in my head. I hadn’t thought about that. I could stay in the center and the shadows may not be as bad, at least some of the time. If I grew frightened, I could call for help. I could stay here until Friday, and then get my meds. By the time I got back home, I would be free of the shadows.
“Yes, can I?” I leaned forward and rubbed the wood of Marva’s desk.
She smiled and picked up the phone receiver once more. “Sure, let me make arrangements for you. This will only take a moment.”
Who was I kidding, the shadows would always come without my pills. I just felt better knowing that I didn’t have to be alone with them this time.
………………………………….
The room was small, very small, and I was alone. I appreciated that fact. On the bed was a stack of clothing and a bag of hygienic products. I had also been allowed to contact my brother so that he could bring any other items that I may need. I looked around the room and saw a television, a chair and a small table. This seemed good enough. The air was a little too cold but I would manage. The first thing I wanted to do was sleep.
I crawled beneath the blanket and fell fast asleep. It was late when I woke again. I could tell by the darkness of the room.
…………………………………………
“You are mine, every part of you.” The thing hovered over me. Its bright eyes were the most prominent thing about the creature. I saw shadows swirling about its body and the smell was horrible. I held my breath and whimpered.
“Leave me alone, please.” I spoke between sobs.
As the thing got closer, its breath burned my face. I saw the eyes get smaller as the thing spoke again.
“You have always been mine, Chelsea.”
Pieces of the creature broke free from the host and swirled about. They were flying black leaches that suddenly bared needle sharp teeth. I cringed drawing back from the swirling mass of monsters.
“Why?”
The large part of the shadow stood taller suddenly and let out a choking noise from its maw. I saw the sharpened teeth as menacing as the small parasites that rushed around it. The thing reached out embracing its parasitic babies.
“Because you see us, the shadows.” The thing looked back down at me and I could see its eyes grow brighter. It smiled and tiny fangs protruded from its bite. A long black tail whipped from behind the creature and brushed the skin of my face. I gasped suddenly drawing back from the jagged and dark shadow monster. I couldn’t breath suddenly and my heart was pounding.
……………………………….
I awoke in a puddle of sweat and grasped my chest. My breath was coming fast and my heart was beating hard. I could hear the meaty drum in my ears. I could also still remember the shadow’s words.
“You are mine.”
I shivered and pushed the nurse’s button.
“Yes, may I help you?” The nurse spoke across the intercom.
I hesitated and then spoke slowly. “I need someone, I am freaking out.”
The intercom was silent for a moment, then the low voices of two people consulted with each other in a hushed tone.
“Ms. Roberts, are you okay?” The nurse asked.
I held my face in my hands and spoke once more, becoming irritated. “No! I am freaking out. I need someone! I am scared, please help me!.”
The intercom died.
The wait was long, or so it seemed. Moments may have passed but they seemed like years. I watched the darkened areas of the wall as they moved with the sun’s rays which shot through the window. I watched closely to see if the shadows suddenly became “the shadow thing” and if they would start to talk with bright eyes. I looked out the window at the trees. The green leaves swayed in the breeze.
Time went by and no one came, neither did the shadow. My heart raced furiously as the wait dragged on. My eyelids grew heavy just as Marva entered the room. She was smiling at me.
“Hello Chelsea.”
I watched Marva’s red hair sway as she took a seat in the corner chair. Her smile never left her. She has a small notebook in one hand and a pen in the other. I suppose she wanted to document the strange moment with the psychotic patient. I was the psychotic patient and she was the normal lady. I hated the card that I had been dealt.
“So, tell me what is happening today, Chelsea.” Marva took a pair of glasses from her white coat and placed them on her face. She moved the pen to paper and wrote something down.
“The shadows are trying to kill me.” It was the only way that I could make Marva understand. I had no tangible evidence of what was happening to me. The only way to convey the process of the shadow was to speak frankly of the shadow and wait for the traditional scratch of the head. It was obvious that Marva did not believe that the shadow existed because of what she said next.
“What I think is going on here, is the fear of being alone. You were adopted then abandoned, your love life has been very sparse and you feel like an outsider with your friends. I see that you are pushing everyone away with your insecurities.”
Marva stopped writing, she stopped talking and looked up at me. Removing her glasses she deemed to speak once more.
“Now, let’s be honest. These shadows are not real, Chelsea, they are just fear, insecurity and rejection.”
I looked at her eyes and understood that my case was a hopeless one. I could never get Marva to believe the shadows were real. I would take the medication and hope that my mind would be numb enough to not care. This is what I have always done before; and this is what I will do again. It is the only way.
“Chelsea, I really do not think that you need the medication. A good counseling session would work wonders for you. Now, I have talked to your regular psychiatrist and he agrees with me.” Marva removed her glasses and chewed on the ear piece.
My heart suddenly leapt into a thrumming beat. I felt sick and even dizzy. The thought of doing this on my own terrified me. Climbing down from the bed, I went to my knees.
“Please, Ms. Paterson, I have to have the medication. I cannot face this, please”
Marva watched me with criticizing eyes. She cleared her throat and shifted in her seat.
“Chelsea, I really think this is for the best.”
I was defeated. Although I knew in my heart that she was not going to budge, I cried to her. I sobbed pitifully on the floor, face against the hard linoleum. Then I screamed until someone came to save Ms. Marva from the crazy girl. Unfortunately, this still did not warrant my medication. I was doomed.
………
Don’t get me wrong, I hated the meds. I wanted to be free from the confines of “their” world. The thing is, after freedom was realized, something else followed along behind this freedom. The longer that I went without my medication, the closer I got to something much more complicated than the therapy and its structural aspects. I was on a wild ride, up and down from mountain top to low land valley. I felt the wind through my hair, the sun on my face and my senses were reeling.
But something was watching me. It grew larger as time went on. I could feel it whip around my head and pull close to my ear. The whisper was low but very distinct. It wanted to possess me for its own. I do not know why and what diabolical plan the shadow had, I just know that I had to make it go away.
I started to weigh my options. I loved the freedom from the medications but I hated the shadow thing, it terrified me. It lurked just outside my vision waiting for me to falter. I thought that maybe it was death or maybe even some ghost who was at unrest. As my thoughts drifted from one hypothesis to another, the shadow pulled near to speak again.
“I am none of these.” The voice was serrated knives dragging across my skin. I felt pain at the sound of the shadow’s whispering.
I guess it never really mattered what the shadow really was. I weighed my options and found the answer where I least expected it. I chose sanity over freedom; and I called Marva to schedule my appointment.
…………………..
It was cold in the hospital bed. I pulled my knees up and under my arms, resting in fetal position. I waited. I knew it would come as it did on most other nights. It would come and do as it wished. Whether it had plans to take me away or whether it just loved to see my torment, the truth was beyond me. It was my birthday and I thought that I would be doing something different than lying in this hospital room, surrounded my pristine and sterile instruments of despair. I hated this place and wished that I had never came back here. What was the point anyway?
The curtains shifted. It was a slight movement that may have otherwise gone unnoticed if I hadn’t been gazing around the room, taking inventory of my surroundings. A inky black smoke crept down the curtain’s edge and onto the floor. I knew it was here.
“No, please, no!” I pulled the white sheet underneath my chin and shivered.
The black shadow moved toward the bed disappearing from my sight range. The air grew colder and the lights from the nurses call button flickered and then went out, as did the bathroom night light. The smell came again. It was the unmistakable smell of the thing, the shadow.
“What do you want?” I asked in desperation.
There was nothing but a low in-audible whispering which seemed to encase the entire room. Voices high and low swept in cradling my ears and then swept back out to fill the air again.
“Please, tell me what you want.” I pleaded. “you come to me and yet you do nothing.”
I challenged the darkness which twisted around and around itself. I challenged the two yellow eyes that formed within the dark shadowy nightmare. My teeth were clenched as were my fists; my eyes watered with emotions stirring deep inside me. I wanted it to be over. I wanted the shadows to cease their torture.
“Please stop tormenting me…please.” I spoke and then curled back into a ball at the edge of the bed. I felt a shadow hand touch my shoulder.
“Do not be alarmed. There is no pain and there is no more torment.” The shadow hand caressed my shoulder and then moved to pat my head. I felt the cool sensation through my hair as the shadow twined its tendrils underneath each lock. I felt strange suddenly. I felt as though I had been waiting for this moment my entire life. There was a sudden dutiful emotion; I felt the waves of sorrow and joy collide into something quiet and still. It was the monster’s touch which soothed me.
“It is time, Chelsea” The monster cooed.
I stared into blackness as the shadow formed a bright yellow smile beneath the bright yellow eyes. The evil smiley face grinned and grinned as if it was horribly delighted by my terror.
“Today is a special day, Chelsea. Today, you are welcomed into the flock.” The thing chuckled and whispered to the others. I couldn’t understand the whispers and frankly, I couldn’t understand why I was special on this special day.
“Please tell me why you are haunting me.” I asked pleadingly.
The shadow lost its smile and its eyes narrowed. The little yellow slits quivered suddenly. The thing made a growling noise and then whispered again to the flying shadow parasites which whipped and flew around its dark mass. Then the thing smiled once more; and then it spoke to me.
“Your world is dying, Chelsea. This place will be gone in a very short time. They know nothing of what will happen to them, to you,if you run from me.” The monster waited…” If you take the medication, you will not be able to hear me anymore; and your chance will be lost.”
I contemplated what the shadow said but it meant nothing to me. I couldn’t understand how the world would end and how I was to be saved by the shadows. Why me?
“Why me?” I asked with eyes now drying from the previous tears.
The shadows stood still. Even the swirling shadows pulled together and re-entered the shadow leader’s mass.
The shadow’s eyes widened and it spoke. “You, why you, huh… You have the ability to see the shadows. What most see as a reflection of their own form, you see as a living thing. That is just it, we are alive. We see what you do, we see how you act and we see the most intelligent of your species. Why, we have followed you for centuries and you have ignored us.
It is time that you followed us for a change.
You call us shadows and you are right. We are the shadows of mankind. Those who see us for what we truly are, these are the ones who deserve to live. You see, we do not truly follow. It is humanity which has left us behind. It is humanity which should be following our lead.
I sat there and thought about what the shadow said. I was no longer afraid and I understood completely. I decided to test the theory of what the thing was implying. I stood and walked around the bed. There by the bedside was a nightstand with a lamp. The light hurt my eyes terribly even when I wasn’t starring right into its brilliance. Moving between the light and the bed, I stood still.
I looked behind me to find my shadow; but my shadow wasn’t there. My shadow stood tall beyond the bed, a living breathing thing which just called me an intelligent being. I saw its yellow eyes and a bright yellow smile, these things intrigued me. He beckoned me to come and follow him home.
………………………..
I am not sick. I will not get the medication and I suppose Marva expected a rise from me. When she came to my room with the psychiatrist, they were very kind. They talked to me for a while and made plans to find a residency for my inpatient stay. I would remain here for a while and undergo therapy. When time was done with them, I would be ready to go.
Marva moved toward my bed, followed by Dr. Kraus. Neither of them has a shadow and neither of them had a clue of their impending doom.
I am not sick, I am special.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
A candle burned
She stared out the window waiting for him to return. How long had it been since he pushed the boat from the shore and set out into the open water? Months maybe, she was unsure of the exact passage of time. Although she was constantly irritated at him and engaging in so many senseless fights; she missed him now. His face was beginning to get cloudy along with all the other various ideas she had in the past couple of weeks. Her heart hurt with a dullness that defied explaination and her hands shook lightly. She moved the small candle from the sill and rested her hands. Pushing her face against the glass, she began to cry. Softly at first, she wept.
The truth was, she didn’t really know if she cried from love or guilt. Her hatred rivaled her devotion of him and the bitterness stung. The wet flood that washed her cheeks carried turbulent memories.
She wanted him to leave when he struck her knocking her against the wall and spitting upon her face. Yes, she hated him plenty for that but realized it was the booze that was to blame. So, she forgave him. She wanted him to leave when he called her a bitch and blamed her for everything he never accomplished. So, she forgave him. She wanted him to leave when he betrayed her a total of four times and lied to her face. Yet, despite the pain, she forgave him.
But something changed in her when he told her that he wished that their son had never been born. Something which maybe always dwelled inside her, came to the surface that night. Her tears dried suddenly and she cursed him. Yes, she was sure of it, she had cursed him to a damned fate. She wasn’t even sure what conjure she gave him but she felt the heaviness inside. She loved her son more than herself and she felt a curse for a curse was sufficient. She remembered smiling as he caught the look in her eyes of evil intent and she recalled his blank expression. The knife had sunk and the fate had been sealed. When he told her he wished to go to the mainland and visit his family, she refused to go. “I shall remain and take care of the house, my dear. When shall you return?”
He shrugged and gave her a frustrated look, then answered with disdain. “I will return in a week or two. Why?”
She had dropped her head as she usually did and mumbled. She felt contempt and in a way was happy he was leaving. In fact, her heart leapt at the freedom she was promised for a while.
So, when he left in his little boat for the mainland, she smiled and sighed with relief. “Good riddance asshole.” She said as she watched him untangle the rope of his vessel and prepare to leave. She even knew how much more he cared for that damned boat. “The Seaweed” is what he called ‘her’. Yes, he even gave it a sex. She smiled again as he caressed his boat and loaded his bags into the bottom. He turned in her direction and made the strangest expression that she had ever seen then pushed the boat into the open water. Her eyes never left him until he disappeared with the setting sun.
Now, months later she cried and maybe even missed something about him. But only the small candle offered illumination in the night. Night after night, at her vigil, hoping the curse was not real and hoping the guilt would subside. Her son, an infant
boy, screamed loudly as she ignored him digging her raw fingers into the wood of the window sill. The small candle burned until it was no more. And she waited.
The truth was, she didn’t really know if she cried from love or guilt. Her hatred rivaled her devotion of him and the bitterness stung. The wet flood that washed her cheeks carried turbulent memories.
She wanted him to leave when he struck her knocking her against the wall and spitting upon her face. Yes, she hated him plenty for that but realized it was the booze that was to blame. So, she forgave him. She wanted him to leave when he called her a bitch and blamed her for everything he never accomplished. So, she forgave him. She wanted him to leave when he betrayed her a total of four times and lied to her face. Yet, despite the pain, she forgave him.
But something changed in her when he told her that he wished that their son had never been born. Something which maybe always dwelled inside her, came to the surface that night. Her tears dried suddenly and she cursed him. Yes, she was sure of it, she had cursed him to a damned fate. She wasn’t even sure what conjure she gave him but she felt the heaviness inside. She loved her son more than herself and she felt a curse for a curse was sufficient. She remembered smiling as he caught the look in her eyes of evil intent and she recalled his blank expression. The knife had sunk and the fate had been sealed. When he told her he wished to go to the mainland and visit his family, she refused to go. “I shall remain and take care of the house, my dear. When shall you return?”
He shrugged and gave her a frustrated look, then answered with disdain. “I will return in a week or two. Why?”
She had dropped her head as she usually did and mumbled. She felt contempt and in a way was happy he was leaving. In fact, her heart leapt at the freedom she was promised for a while.
So, when he left in his little boat for the mainland, she smiled and sighed with relief. “Good riddance asshole.” She said as she watched him untangle the rope of his vessel and prepare to leave. She even knew how much more he cared for that damned boat. “The Seaweed” is what he called ‘her’. Yes, he even gave it a sex. She smiled again as he caressed his boat and loaded his bags into the bottom. He turned in her direction and made the strangest expression that she had ever seen then pushed the boat into the open water. Her eyes never left him until he disappeared with the setting sun.
Now, months later she cried and maybe even missed something about him. But only the small candle offered illumination in the night. Night after night, at her vigil, hoping the curse was not real and hoping the guilt would subside. Her son, an infant
boy, screamed loudly as she ignored him digging her raw fingers into the wood of the window sill. The small candle burned until it was no more. And she waited.
Timothy and the String Thing, a journal of strange love Part 2
November 15, 2002
I saw Timothy watching me today outside the math building. It was when I skipped my lab class and fell asleep in the courtyard behind Macon Hall. I woke up but didn’t move as I felt his eyes on me. He thought I was still asleep as he stared at me. It was kind of funny when he tripped over the steps in front of the library….and he thought I didn’t see that. That is what he gets for walking with his head turned. Such euphoric sensations went through me as I made circles in the air with me hands. I noticed how my arms resembled snakes from Beetlejuice with their striped arm warmers. I found myself thinking of him but concentrating on the movement of my hands. It was hypnotising. Lying on the concrete bench, I could feel the coolness of the rock as I came back slowly to reality. A few moments later, I wandered up the small incline to the library and pretended to be looking for someone. (Actually, it was him that I was looking for….but I pretended that it wasn’t.) I caught him looking at me again right before he dropped his head back into what ever book he was reading. He was so sexy, pushing his glasses up his nose and trying to look intelligent. What a nerd. I let him know I saw him as I wandered out the opposite door. Boy did he seem nervous today.
November 17, 2002
I cant take it anymore…I hate him!
November 20, 2002
He talked to me today. Me and Leslie were getting our books out of our cars in the parking lot between classes. It really surprised me that I would run into Timothy. My stupid phone was acting up and I was frantically trying to save my ring tone. He spoke and I turned around. My luck would be that the most corny song on my phone would happen to sound off loudly. I am surprised I didn’t drop my phone, the way I was gawking at him and my breath caught as his eyes met mine. Wow…what power he held over me. He wanted to talk to me and I had no clue what I would say, but somehow, the whole conversation went smoothly. Unbelieveable…I did not make a fool of myself and he smiled at me the whole time. I think I am falling.
November 30, 2002
I am so confused. One day he acts like he really likes me and the next he acts like I don’t even exist. Is it my imagination to think that there could ever be anything more than friendship between us? Timothy told me that he didn’t want to go to the concert with me and he was too busy to talk. So I decided to say…forget it. Forget him and all his stupid responsibilities. I dont need him and he isn’t that special anyway. Besides, he shaved his beard off and cut his hair the day after I pulled a strand of it after class. I was just playing around. How could someone be that sensitive and he really looks like a nerd now…an adolescent nerd. You know, I dont think he likes me touching him at all.
January 2, 2003
Well, it had been a month and I couldn’t take it anymore. I had an idea that day that really cost me alot. I decided to find Timothy on the internet. I had tried this before but with no success. But when this ditsy girl that had a crush on him told me he was on this social site, it was too much to resist. She even went as far as to tell me some of the things he posted. It was hard hiding my excitement from her but I think she is none-the- wiser. I found his profile only after a few minutes and sent him a friend request. He accepted. But the kicker is that I changed my name and put up a cartoon avatar so he wouldn’t know who I was. I really thought that this was the only way to let him know how I felt. It was a really stupid thing to do and now I regret. it.
I made my profile and gave myself a name. My name is Lee, lee Anne and now I am officially a victim of strange love, the strange love that makes us do strange things.
March 12, 2003
It all fell apart and he knows who I am. He even told a lot of other people who I am too. I contacted him and told him how I feel and now I am a laughing stock. My friends wont talk to me because some other girl got blamed for stalking him first and it caused a lot of drama.
I think I will just fade away because love is strange but I shall never forget the boy with the string thing, even though he hates me and I cant stop thinking about him.
I saw Timothy watching me today outside the math building. It was when I skipped my lab class and fell asleep in the courtyard behind Macon Hall. I woke up but didn’t move as I felt his eyes on me. He thought I was still asleep as he stared at me. It was kind of funny when he tripped over the steps in front of the library….and he thought I didn’t see that. That is what he gets for walking with his head turned. Such euphoric sensations went through me as I made circles in the air with me hands. I noticed how my arms resembled snakes from Beetlejuice with their striped arm warmers. I found myself thinking of him but concentrating on the movement of my hands. It was hypnotising. Lying on the concrete bench, I could feel the coolness of the rock as I came back slowly to reality. A few moments later, I wandered up the small incline to the library and pretended to be looking for someone. (Actually, it was him that I was looking for….but I pretended that it wasn’t.) I caught him looking at me again right before he dropped his head back into what ever book he was reading. He was so sexy, pushing his glasses up his nose and trying to look intelligent. What a nerd. I let him know I saw him as I wandered out the opposite door. Boy did he seem nervous today.
November 17, 2002
I cant take it anymore…I hate him!
November 20, 2002
He talked to me today. Me and Leslie were getting our books out of our cars in the parking lot between classes. It really surprised me that I would run into Timothy. My stupid phone was acting up and I was frantically trying to save my ring tone. He spoke and I turned around. My luck would be that the most corny song on my phone would happen to sound off loudly. I am surprised I didn’t drop my phone, the way I was gawking at him and my breath caught as his eyes met mine. Wow…what power he held over me. He wanted to talk to me and I had no clue what I would say, but somehow, the whole conversation went smoothly. Unbelieveable…I did not make a fool of myself and he smiled at me the whole time. I think I am falling.
November 30, 2002
I am so confused. One day he acts like he really likes me and the next he acts like I don’t even exist. Is it my imagination to think that there could ever be anything more than friendship between us? Timothy told me that he didn’t want to go to the concert with me and he was too busy to talk. So I decided to say…forget it. Forget him and all his stupid responsibilities. I dont need him and he isn’t that special anyway. Besides, he shaved his beard off and cut his hair the day after I pulled a strand of it after class. I was just playing around. How could someone be that sensitive and he really looks like a nerd now…an adolescent nerd. You know, I dont think he likes me touching him at all.
January 2, 2003
Well, it had been a month and I couldn’t take it anymore. I had an idea that day that really cost me alot. I decided to find Timothy on the internet. I had tried this before but with no success. But when this ditsy girl that had a crush on him told me he was on this social site, it was too much to resist. She even went as far as to tell me some of the things he posted. It was hard hiding my excitement from her but I think she is none-the- wiser. I found his profile only after a few minutes and sent him a friend request. He accepted. But the kicker is that I changed my name and put up a cartoon avatar so he wouldn’t know who I was. I really thought that this was the only way to let him know how I felt. It was a really stupid thing to do and now I regret. it.
I made my profile and gave myself a name. My name is Lee, lee Anne and now I am officially a victim of strange love, the strange love that makes us do strange things.
March 12, 2003
It all fell apart and he knows who I am. He even told a lot of other people who I am too. I contacted him and told him how I feel and now I am a laughing stock. My friends wont talk to me because some other girl got blamed for stalking him first and it caused a lot of drama.
I think I will just fade away because love is strange but I shall never forget the boy with the string thing, even though he hates me and I cant stop thinking about him.
Timothy and the String Thing, a journal of strange love Part 1
October 23, 2002
I do not recall how it occured or if it was all a figment of my imagination; but it seemed so real. The obvious connection we had and the intensity that flowed between us; was it true or was my mind struggling to create a fantasy? I do not know for sure but I know it will not go away.
Timothy was different. Yes, he was just another guitar playing brat no older than twenty…but something made him stand out from the other kids. Its like the pull of a magnet or the hunger of a starved child…so powerful. He was average build, with dark brown hair–you know, your ordinary guy. To most even boring, but not to me. His eyes held a depth unimaginable to most and his steps were always sure of themselves. Timothy smiled and the whole world seemed to change for that moment. All the sadness, the wars, the pain–the thoughts of darkness seemed to shrink back into my brain when he looked at me. He was a drug-no an antidote and I found myself addicted to him. If he knew he projected such energy…I do not know, but I know that he couldn’t contain it. That little something simply radiated from him almost to the point of visibility and I found myself, as a pitiful child wanting more…never satisfied by him. Timothy was not human-couldn't be and I was determined to find out why he was the reason I was restless.
October 31, 2002
Just a normal Halloween except for the fact that it was seventy degrees and I was thinking of a way to talk to the quiet musician. We never had classes together but I learned his schedule by the patterns he made between classes. Yes, I guess some would label me as a stalker but it wasn’t the case this time. I only purposefully placed myself in his path a couple of times and then I didn’t know what to say. Sometimes I was a blithering idiot. My words, on many occasions, ended up being stupid and redundant. I used events and situations as an excuse to talk to him. Unfortunately most of the time, I ended up staring into the darkness of his eyes and losing all sense of reality. Those eyes are marvelous you know…they are shaped like upside down crescent moons and when he smiled they almost completely close. I love the eyes. They tell the truth you know.
November 3, 2002
I saw him when I was leaving the cafeteria today and he was beautiful. Have you ever seen the movies where time slows down and a look lasts forever? Well that happen to me and I am still stunned from the electricity of it. My best friend was walking beside me and I kept elbowing her in the side to look at him. For some reason she kept saying she couldn’t see him…that just pissed me off royally. I told her that he looked like Jesus with his new beard he was growing. I feel kinda bad now too because when I look at the picture of the messiah on my wall I think of Timothy. What is happening to me?
I do not recall how it occured or if it was all a figment of my imagination; but it seemed so real. The obvious connection we had and the intensity that flowed between us; was it true or was my mind struggling to create a fantasy? I do not know for sure but I know it will not go away.
Timothy was different. Yes, he was just another guitar playing brat no older than twenty…but something made him stand out from the other kids. Its like the pull of a magnet or the hunger of a starved child…so powerful. He was average build, with dark brown hair–you know, your ordinary guy. To most even boring, but not to me. His eyes held a depth unimaginable to most and his steps were always sure of themselves. Timothy smiled and the whole world seemed to change for that moment. All the sadness, the wars, the pain–the thoughts of darkness seemed to shrink back into my brain when he looked at me. He was a drug-no an antidote and I found myself addicted to him. If he knew he projected such energy…I do not know, but I know that he couldn’t contain it. That little something simply radiated from him almost to the point of visibility and I found myself, as a pitiful child wanting more…never satisfied by him. Timothy was not human-couldn't be and I was determined to find out why he was the reason I was restless.
October 31, 2002
Just a normal Halloween except for the fact that it was seventy degrees and I was thinking of a way to talk to the quiet musician. We never had classes together but I learned his schedule by the patterns he made between classes. Yes, I guess some would label me as a stalker but it wasn’t the case this time. I only purposefully placed myself in his path a couple of times and then I didn’t know what to say. Sometimes I was a blithering idiot. My words, on many occasions, ended up being stupid and redundant. I used events and situations as an excuse to talk to him. Unfortunately most of the time, I ended up staring into the darkness of his eyes and losing all sense of reality. Those eyes are marvelous you know…they are shaped like upside down crescent moons and when he smiled they almost completely close. I love the eyes. They tell the truth you know.
November 3, 2002
I saw him when I was leaving the cafeteria today and he was beautiful. Have you ever seen the movies where time slows down and a look lasts forever? Well that happen to me and I am still stunned from the electricity of it. My best friend was walking beside me and I kept elbowing her in the side to look at him. For some reason she kept saying she couldn’t see him…that just pissed me off royally. I told her that he looked like Jesus with his new beard he was growing. I feel kinda bad now too because when I look at the picture of the messiah on my wall I think of Timothy. What is happening to me?
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Daddy's Dorothy
Chrissy wondered many times what lingered beyond the rainbow. She wondered of leprchauns with pots of gold and even unicorns crossed her mind. She looked up at her aunt and smiled, then Chrissy would say,
"Aunt Laurie, what’s at the end of the rainbow?"
Aunt Laurie would always say, "There are magic things at the end of the rainbow and if you go there, the magic will not work.
This puzzled Chrissy and so she would think of other questions to ask her aunt. She would ask her why the magic didn’t work, she would ask about the things that made the magic, wondering if they were leprechans and then Chrissy would ask about her father again.
Everything ended up about her father.
Chrissy’s father had told her stories about the rainbow from the time she was old enough to understand. Stories of magical fairies and other things that would paint the colors in the sky. Her father would tickle her and whisper into her ear about all the magical things that roamed around the end of the rainbow. Chrissy would plead and beg with her father to go where the rainbow ended and he would just laugh. That is when he would tell her the same thing her aunt Laurie told her.
"Magic doesn’t work when you seek it out, my dear. Magic comes as it wants and it resides within your heart."
Chrissy didn’t understand much about what this meant and so she dreamed of those magic things every day.
When daddy went away, Chrissy thought he had gone to the rainbow’s end and this made her even more curious.
"Aunt Laurie, is daddy over there with the magic things?" Chrissy would tug her aunt Laurie’s sleeve and whine just a little. She wanted with all her heart to go find out.
Aunt Laurie would set down her dish cloth and squat down before her little neice. Then she would insist that they go outside for a while. There in the beauty of the summer sun, Aunt Laurie would show Chrissy the the beautiful flowers. Some days Aunt Laurie would take a walk with Chrissy in the back yard and look at the birds that passed by. . But every time, Chrissy wanted to talk about daddy and the rainbow.
"I want to go there. I want to go find daddy." Chrissy would plead until her aunt would talk about the flowers again.
Aunt Laurie would take Chrissy up into her arms and give her a promise. "One day, we will go find the magic too and there will be beautiful flowers there like these." Her aunt would pick a flower and tickle her nose with it. Chrissy would laugh.
Chrissy would be satisfied for a while and then she would begin again in a couple of days. Aunt Laurie tried her hardest but Chrissy grew tired and realized that Aunt Laurie was just too scared to go find the magic and she didn’t believe that daddy was there either.
Chrissy stuffed her teddy bear, Tiny, into her little pink sachel and decided to go find daddy on her own.
Daddy had gone away, all of a sudden. Some strange people came and said something about her father and her aunt cried. Chrissy’s mommy had gone away when Chrissy was born and Chrissy just never met her. Daddy and aunt Laurie was all she had, they loved her very much. Chrissy knew this.
When Chrissy’s aunt stopped crying and came to her, she said her father had went to a magic place. She said that all people go to the magic place when they get tired. Chrissy wondered why her daddy did not take her with him. She wondered and wondered for a long time and then the rainbow came and Chrissy understood.
"Daddy is over there, aunt Laurie." Chrissy smiled a big toothed grin and pointed toward the first rainbow of the season.
Aunt Laurie swallowed the knot in her throat and smiled down at Chrissy. She spoke in a soft voice to comfort her neice. "Yes, I guess her is, sweetheart."
Every since that day, Chrissy had wanted to go see him again.
…..
She wasn’t really scared in the woods, in fact, they seemed magical as well. She heard animals making strange noises and she thought that they were unicorns or something. She walked so long that her little legs began to hurt and itch from the thorns that scraped her skin. She walked and walked and hoped that the rainbow wasn’t going to disappear anytime soon. She glanced through the top of the trees and seen the beautiful colors overhead.
"I am coming daddy." She whispered and clutched her teddy tight.
As the day grew long and her legs grew tired, Chrissy knew the rainbow would go to sleep soon and the light would be gone. What would she do when the rainbow disappeared. Chrissy knew the magic would go when the rainbow went. She stopped in the path and she got very sad.
"Daddy, I tried. I wanted to see you but I am tired." Chrissy spoke to the air and then sat down on the forest floor. That is when she heard the voice and felt the hand upon her shoulder. She turned and looked up into her father’s face.
"Daddy! Oh Daddy!" Chrissy jumped up and squealed wrapping her arms around her father. "Daddy, I made it! I must be here! I found you! The magic.."
Chrissy’s father smiled and pulled her up into his arms. He spoke softly to her " You found me, yes you did and now you must sleep and I will take you home."
Chrissy woke on the front porch of her aunt’s house. The sun was rising and she felt happy. In her hand was a flower she knew it was from the magic place.
Aunt Laurie’s voice was heard upstairs calling her and sobbing. Chrissy ran inside and up the stairs. When her aunt saw her, she didn’t scold Chrissy, nor did she get angry. Aunt Laurie grabbed Chrissy and hugged her tight, then she spoke softly to her neice.
"Where have you been, oh god, where have you been? I was worried sick!"
Chrissy smiled and touched her aunt’s face, then spoke very clearly. "I found it, aunt laurie, I found the magic and daddy, he was there, just like you said."
Aunt Laurie looked at her neice and frowned. Before she could speak, Chrissy held out the little flower.
"He said, this is for you."
"Aunt Laurie, what’s at the end of the rainbow?"
Aunt Laurie would always say, "There are magic things at the end of the rainbow and if you go there, the magic will not work.
This puzzled Chrissy and so she would think of other questions to ask her aunt. She would ask her why the magic didn’t work, she would ask about the things that made the magic, wondering if they were leprechans and then Chrissy would ask about her father again.
Everything ended up about her father.
Chrissy’s father had told her stories about the rainbow from the time she was old enough to understand. Stories of magical fairies and other things that would paint the colors in the sky. Her father would tickle her and whisper into her ear about all the magical things that roamed around the end of the rainbow. Chrissy would plead and beg with her father to go where the rainbow ended and he would just laugh. That is when he would tell her the same thing her aunt Laurie told her.
"Magic doesn’t work when you seek it out, my dear. Magic comes as it wants and it resides within your heart."
Chrissy didn’t understand much about what this meant and so she dreamed of those magic things every day.
When daddy went away, Chrissy thought he had gone to the rainbow’s end and this made her even more curious.
"Aunt Laurie, is daddy over there with the magic things?" Chrissy would tug her aunt Laurie’s sleeve and whine just a little. She wanted with all her heart to go find out.
Aunt Laurie would set down her dish cloth and squat down before her little neice. Then she would insist that they go outside for a while. There in the beauty of the summer sun, Aunt Laurie would show Chrissy the the beautiful flowers. Some days Aunt Laurie would take a walk with Chrissy in the back yard and look at the birds that passed by. . But every time, Chrissy wanted to talk about daddy and the rainbow.
"I want to go there. I want to go find daddy." Chrissy would plead until her aunt would talk about the flowers again.
Aunt Laurie would take Chrissy up into her arms and give her a promise. "One day, we will go find the magic too and there will be beautiful flowers there like these." Her aunt would pick a flower and tickle her nose with it. Chrissy would laugh.
Chrissy would be satisfied for a while and then she would begin again in a couple of days. Aunt Laurie tried her hardest but Chrissy grew tired and realized that Aunt Laurie was just too scared to go find the magic and she didn’t believe that daddy was there either.
Chrissy stuffed her teddy bear, Tiny, into her little pink sachel and decided to go find daddy on her own.
Daddy had gone away, all of a sudden. Some strange people came and said something about her father and her aunt cried. Chrissy’s mommy had gone away when Chrissy was born and Chrissy just never met her. Daddy and aunt Laurie was all she had, they loved her very much. Chrissy knew this.
When Chrissy’s aunt stopped crying and came to her, she said her father had went to a magic place. She said that all people go to the magic place when they get tired. Chrissy wondered why her daddy did not take her with him. She wondered and wondered for a long time and then the rainbow came and Chrissy understood.
"Daddy is over there, aunt Laurie." Chrissy smiled a big toothed grin and pointed toward the first rainbow of the season.
Aunt Laurie swallowed the knot in her throat and smiled down at Chrissy. She spoke in a soft voice to comfort her neice. "Yes, I guess her is, sweetheart."
Every since that day, Chrissy had wanted to go see him again.
…..
She wasn’t really scared in the woods, in fact, they seemed magical as well. She heard animals making strange noises and she thought that they were unicorns or something. She walked so long that her little legs began to hurt and itch from the thorns that scraped her skin. She walked and walked and hoped that the rainbow wasn’t going to disappear anytime soon. She glanced through the top of the trees and seen the beautiful colors overhead.
"I am coming daddy." She whispered and clutched her teddy tight.
As the day grew long and her legs grew tired, Chrissy knew the rainbow would go to sleep soon and the light would be gone. What would she do when the rainbow disappeared. Chrissy knew the magic would go when the rainbow went. She stopped in the path and she got very sad.
"Daddy, I tried. I wanted to see you but I am tired." Chrissy spoke to the air and then sat down on the forest floor. That is when she heard the voice and felt the hand upon her shoulder. She turned and looked up into her father’s face.
"Daddy! Oh Daddy!" Chrissy jumped up and squealed wrapping her arms around her father. "Daddy, I made it! I must be here! I found you! The magic.."
Chrissy’s father smiled and pulled her up into his arms. He spoke softly to her " You found me, yes you did and now you must sleep and I will take you home."
Chrissy woke on the front porch of her aunt’s house. The sun was rising and she felt happy. In her hand was a flower she knew it was from the magic place.
Aunt Laurie’s voice was heard upstairs calling her and sobbing. Chrissy ran inside and up the stairs. When her aunt saw her, she didn’t scold Chrissy, nor did she get angry. Aunt Laurie grabbed Chrissy and hugged her tight, then she spoke softly to her neice.
"Where have you been, oh god, where have you been? I was worried sick!"
Chrissy smiled and touched her aunt’s face, then spoke very clearly. "I found it, aunt laurie, I found the magic and daddy, he was there, just like you said."
Aunt Laurie looked at her neice and frowned. Before she could speak, Chrissy held out the little flower.
"He said, this is for you."
redundancy
It never happens like you think it should. It doesn't rain when the storm clouds come, and I'll be damned if it ever snows. It's hot when it is cold and it is cold when it is hot. Look outside your car window and see the blue of the sky and you ask me, "How do you feel?"
The horse, yes, it did appear to be white and the knight had armor that was rather shiny, from a distance. The horse lays dead at my feet and the knight's armor is tarnished from warfare. Things are not as they seem.
Did you find the clue that I left you? It was over by the large oak. You know, the one we used to play around, when hide and seek was the game... You remember, on the day that the weather lied to us and you lied to me. I grew angry and I just left.
If you look, you will find it. I left a soft thing among the leaves and it was back in autumn. By now, my gift is frozen in the snow that never came and the friendship that was forgotten.
Nothing is ever as it seems and we are all liars.
The horse, yes, it did appear to be white and the knight had armor that was rather shiny, from a distance. The horse lays dead at my feet and the knight's armor is tarnished from warfare. Things are not as they seem.
Did you find the clue that I left you? It was over by the large oak. You know, the one we used to play around, when hide and seek was the game... You remember, on the day that the weather lied to us and you lied to me. I grew angry and I just left.
If you look, you will find it. I left a soft thing among the leaves and it was back in autumn. By now, my gift is frozen in the snow that never came and the friendship that was forgotten.
Nothing is ever as it seems and we are all liars.
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