secrets for 3

The party started at 8 p.m. at Tam's house. We were all there...the whole crew; including Jacie and her boyfriend, Paula, her brother and Tam's whole side crew. People I didn't even know started to mill into Tam's house after 9 and by 10, the place was packed to overflowing. I didn't really know what the occasion was and maybe there was no occasion at all. I just know that the girls wouldn't stop carrying on and on about how much fun I would have if I let my hair down and forget about my problems. This was exactly what I planned to do when i got there. I did have reservations at first considering how much my friends pried into my life but thing is...I needed to do something other than obsess over Donnie for a change...and so I joined the throng.
But Donnie was there too...so much for that.

Things were dark in my head and so I stayed off to myself most of the time. I sat in the corner watching Paula flirt with two of the guys on the football team. Her giggling and playful looks were cute but oddly irritating to me for some reason. She smiled over at me a couple times and then went back to her incessant flirting. Tam was curiously absent from the room most of the time and Jacie sat in the opposite corner talking to two guys while groping her boyfriend. I wondered why I was even a part of the group; at this moment I felt so detached.

"Hey party pooper, what are you doing sitting there nursing that weak ass drink? " Tam wrapped her arms around me and kissed my cheek. I turned to see her flushed face grinning at me.

"Oh hey, Tam...what's up?" I turned and pulled her arm tighter around me. I looked into her eyes and noticed that they were even darker than they used to be. She was drunk. Her pupils were so widely dilated that I questioned to myself whether or not Tam had been dabbling in something other than the drink.

Tam walked around my chair and squatted down in front of me. "Hey, I bought this new drink the other day and no one will try it. I think they are scared of such a strong concoction...hehe"

"Oh...pfft, can't be that strong." I smirked at the whole idea that anyone in high school would be afraid of any ole drink. I looked toward the kitchen and saw Donnie leaning on the counter. I instantly wondered what he was up to.

Tam looked toward the kitchen then back to me. She frowned and crinkled her forhead. "come on...I think Donnie gonna taste  it. I am trying to get him to try it but he keeps saying "I dunno..." Tam stood and pulled at me.

I stood from my chair and followed her into the kitchen. When I got to the counter, I noticed that there were four other poeple in the room. Donnie's girlfriend Lexie was leaning on Donnie while three girls from the Beta club huddled together by the microwave. The girls by the microwave, that I really didn't know that well, looked my way and then giggled. I gave them a go-to-hell look and then leaned against the opposite wall...I watched the scene before me with wary eyes. Tam was busy pulling at the top of a bottle on the other side of the giggling Beta girls. I just took it all in wondering what tonight would bring.

Donnie turned to look at me and he smiled. A warm fuzzy feeling moved from my legs up toward my mid section I smiled back and then bit my lip. "So...you think you can drink that shit that Tam bought, huh? I tried it a minute ago and it burned my damn nose hairs out."

I laughed and waved a hand at Donnie. Tam turned and handed me a glass of her new concoction. "Drink up, sweetie."
........................
Jacie's face wavered in front of me. I closed my eyes tightly then tried to refocus on her moving face. Her red hair looked like little worms wiggling to get free form her head.

"Laurie...are you okay?" Jacie rubbed my face and pushed the hair form my forehead. I felt the heat from her hand and it felt wonderful. I pushed my face against her hand and moaned slightly. Jacie smiled at me and then spoke again. "Hey, does that feel good?"

I opened my eyes wider and tried to focus on her face again. Hands continued to brush my hair from my face and it felt wonderful. I was euphoric with stimulus. "I love that....that feels so good." I reached up and touched a warm hand and it felt strong...so very strong. I saw a face again but it was not Jacie's face...it was a man's face.

I sat up and reached for the face before me. It was Donnie and he was brushing the hair from my face.
"Donnie..." I smiled at the recognition and reached out again.

Donnie kissed my nose then pulled me closer to him. He hugged me tighter to him then
whispered in my ear. "Hey, you are such a mess. Can I take you home?"

"yes...oh yes..Donnie, take me home" I whispered softly  "I love you, Donnie."

........................

"What is she saying?"

 Tam leaned against Jacie's shoulder and spoke. The whole room gathered around the couch and starred at Laurie, watching her writhe and wiggle drunkenly as she lay intoxicated. Laurie wouldn't quite drinking because Tam kept calling her a coward. Laurie wouldn't quit drinking because Donnie and Lexie were watching and most of all, Laurie wouldn't quit drinking because she had trouble not thinking about her problems and she wanted them to disappear.

Laurie should have stopped drinking.

Jacie looked at Tam and her eyes got wide. "She is flirting with me, Tam. She just called me baby and told me that my hand felt good on her skin." Jacie laughed and leaned on Tams arm. Tam laughed as well.

"So, that is her secret, she is in love with you, Jacie." Tam looked around proud of her little joke.
Jacie leaned closer to laurie and got quite. "Wait a minute...she is talking again."

Laurie rose up swaying and swerving this way and that. She grabbed a hold of the back of the couch and looked around. She smiled and spoke again. "Hey...you." Laurie rubbed her mouth and then bit her lip drunkenly.

Jacie took both Laurie's arms in her hands and tried to get the drunk girl to focus on something. In moments, Laurie was focusing on Jacie's face. She reached and rubbed Jacie's face then smiled. Laurie lost it then.

"Donnie...is that you?"

Donnie turned back toward the group surrounding Laurie and listened. Lexie pulled Donnie's collar and looked him in the face. "Did that girl just say your name, Donnie?"

"Laurie, this is Jacie...do you want me to take you home?" The red haired girl held Laurie still and waited for her answer.
Tam frowned and grabbed Jacie's arm. "No, let her speak. I think she has much to say."
Laurie reached into the air and caressed an invisible face. Her lips moved as if she was kissing someone. Laurie moaned and leaned forward. "Oh Donnie...."

Donnie walked closer to the group and parted Tam and Jacie. He looked down at Laurie and started to laugh. "This is Donnie, Laurie...what are you carrying on about.

"Yes, Donnie...please take me home...I love you, Donnie."

Lexie pushed through the crowd and she and Donnie began to argue. Tam gave Laurie a mean look and walked away. Jacie just sat and watched Laurie molest the invisible man.

Laurie cried out for Donnie for an hour or so more before she passed out on the couch...alone.

................................
They all knew...every last one of them knew how I felt about Donnie. They looked at me now as if I was diseased or something. When I tried to call Jacie, her phone rang and rang. The same thing happened when trying to contact Tam. In the hallways, ditsy Paula would walk right past me chomping her gum like an idiot. To be honest, there wasn't much difference there.

I found myself alone...alone in class, after school and after work as well. Donnie wouldn't even look at me and Lexie gave me dirty looks in the hallway. My head knew why things were as they were but my heart was dying with ignorance. No matter how much I explained it to myself, a part of me just couldn't understand why things had happened the way they did. I remembered the dream with Donnie and the girls and then it came back to me full force. Every night, Donnie laughed at me and every night the girls would hold me down and scream at me. I would wake sweating and would crawl into a corner of my room. There I would weep until my eyes grew tired and closed. I would wake the next morning and feel like crawling into a deeper place and not showing my face. Going to school was the hardest thing I had to do. when I arrived, all eyes were on me just long enough to make me feel uncomfortable then I was ignored to twist the knife even further.

Someone began to write on my notebook while I was in the bathroom. When I would return to class, the words "I love Donnie" were written on my notebook and several students that I didn't even know were giggling at me. I just sat there and scribbled out the words as my teacher droned on and on about something...I didn't pay attention...I couldn't pay attention. I was drowning in my fuck ups.