family secrets

It was the first time that he told me he loved me and I hated him for it.

Peter was my first cousin on my father’s side of the family. We grew up on a farm in northern Mississippi and hung out together almost everyday. Peter was mean to me sometimes but I learned to understand his strange ways…well kind of. Peter caught snakes and would put them down the back of my dress just to hear me squeal. Of course that sick little smile to crack across his face. I remember the horror that I went through and the joy that the incident filled him with. He often got thrills when he would hold me down and watching me wiggle, screaming for mercy. I didn’t get thrills at all from that. Peter was mean to me some times but I loved him because sometimes he would gaze into my eyes…and say that  he loved me too. But father seemed pleased that I had some one to play with since I never wanted to do my chores.

My father was a farmer and a very devoted one at that. It was early September and my daddy was bringing in the last of the crops we had planted. I, of course, was his servant for the day. I picked peas, tomatoes and squash until I thought I would turn into a vegetable ,myself. My father ranted on and on about the importance of raising our own food. I hated gardening. It was not something that I planned to do on my weekends. As I bent to pull a rather large fruit from its stalk, I saw him. It was Peter, my cousin. Peter came strolling down the little path in the woods that led to our field. I loved to watch Peter when he was whistling. Somehow getting beat up by a cute cousin seemed nice compared to the work my dad had for me. I pondered for a moment watching his tight brown slightly muscular bare chest. It glistened and I smiled.

“Hey Petey!” I yelled in a girly voice waving my hand. “Whatcha doing?”

Peter smiled with mischief in his eyes. “Hey jerk!”

“Daddy, can i go play with Peter; the weekend is almost over and…” I no more than started my excuses when he exhaled hard and looked around at me with stern eyes.

“I swoney Jen, I really need your help; we cant let this stuff go to waste hunny.” Daddy look  frustrated and sad but even though her needed me,  I really didn’t want to do this anymore.
Giving my father the puppy dog eyes, I begged once more. “Please daddy, I promise I will help you tomorrow.”

And that was all it took. I had found out at the age of 9 that I had already received my charms  as a lady and even my father couldn’t resist it. Setting down my bucket, I ran off for an adventure with Petey…I loved Peter.

“Go on girl, get over yonder and do whatever it is that young folks do now-a-days.” Shaking his head father commensed to pulling up weeds and picking vegetables.

Peter tilted his head and smiled as he saw me skipping toward him in my worn out converse sneakers.”Hey jerk, you wanna go ride our bikes to the Indian mound? I think I found some arrowheads down there about a week ago.” Peter had a strange gleam in his eye as he looked up into my face. I couldn’t resist and could not possibly tell him no.

I nodded my head quickly making my little  pigtails bob. “Yeah, that would be fun; is Mickey going?”

Mickey was Peter’s younger brother. Mickey was totally different from Peter. Where Peter was sometimes just a big bully and very open with his intentions; Mickey was very sneaky and always the one to tell on me and Petey when we would do things that we shouldn’t.

“No, he is in trouble; he got caught looking at dad’s dirty magazines. In fact, dad got in a lot of trouble too.” Peter laughed and shoved me real hard causing me to stumble.

“That’s not funny Petey…your poor mom.” I shook my head and thought about Petey’s mom yelling at his dad.

“Or maybe…my poor dad.” Petey chuckled.

I followed close behind Petey in my little blue sundress and sneakers. My smile widened as I watched his stride in his baggy jeans. “Nice.” I thought.

After we reached the mounds we plopped down on an old log and swiped the sweat from our foreheads. It was a very hot day and even walking through the shaded trails couldn’t provide enough breeze. I sat still taking in the beauty of the surrounding trees and the mound of earth which loomed high above us.

“Wow Peter…that mound is always so beautiful.” I smiled and sat contemplating.

Peter shoved me  hard knocking me completely off the log and stood up dusting  his jeans. “Come on moron; let’s climb the mound and go over to the pond.”

Peter turned to walk away but stopped abruptly. As his head turned, I could see the regret in his eyes. He watched me as I scrambled to get onto my feet. Our eyes met and his evil expression disappeared. Something strange replaced his maniacal grin and he bent thrusting out his hand. “Here…get up. We have to get going.”

“Why do you have to be so mean Petey? You are always so mean to me.” I  asked as I dusted pine needles and pulled leaves from my hair.

“Whatever.”

We shambled along playfully pushing each other and chuckling. Peter would watch me from the corner of his eyes and he didn’t know I could see him. I love Peter.

The other side of the mound was eerily peaceful and quiet. The muddy water rippled and lulled with the light breeze that blew across the surface. For some strange reason there were no birds singing or any animal sounds whatsoever. Petey sat across from me on a mound of dirt ripping grass from the ground.

“Now what?” Peter looked up  into my eyes. A shiver passed through me as his blue eyes twinkled in the sunlight. His dark hair fell into his face obscuring his intent gaze.

“I couldn’t move. I was paralyzed by the way he was looking at me. I loved Peter.

Peter stopped moving and licked his lips. “You want to go skinny dipping retard?”

I blushed at his question and started to giggle. My hand went up to try and stop the laughter from erupting from my lips. “We cant do that, we’re family. Wouldn’t that be weird?”

Lifting one eyebrow he replied.”NO, I dont think that it is weird at all. Tell me something, do you think that it is weird that I watched you take your clothes off a couple of days ago when you were getting ready for church?”

Shocked I slapped my cousin very hard across his cheek. Immediately it began to turn red. “How dare you do that to me. I am your cousin Petey.

“So, what’s wrong with a little forbidden love.” Petey lurched for me pushing me onto the hard  ground behind me. Holding me down he laughed  in my face. “What you gonna do now…pussy?” Peter grabbed my pigtails and pinned me to the ground.

“You shit!! Let me up!” I screamed between sobs and welling tears. I didn’t love Petey right now. I was afraid and this time Mickey wasn’t here to tell mom and dad. We were all alone in the deep dark woods and no one could hear me. “Please…please stop Peter!”

And he did stop and he looked into my eyes with confusion. “What’s wrong; don’t you love me? I love you.” Peter caressed my face and bent to kiss me. He worked his hand up and under my dress as he placed his other hand on my cheek caressing it slowly. I just couldn’t resist his taboo touch.  After an initial resistance, I stopped fighting him and started to help him out of his jeans. Just as I had freed him , a strange sound came from the nearby brush. I could have sworn that I had heard a giggle but I wasn’t sure.

“Shhhhh stop Peter. I heard something.” Pushing him from me, I pulled my dress down and peered over at  the brush surrounding the pond. “Peter, there is someone out here with us.”

Peter stared at me with a mix of fading lust and confusion. “I didn’t hear anything dummy.”

“Would you stop calling me that! I have had enough of the name calling.”

Another abrupt sound erupted from the bushes and someone exclaimed, “OUCH!”

Peter straightened his back and furrowed his brow. “I heard that Jen, shhh. I will go around behind the brush. You stay here.”

Peter walked slowly to the other side of the bushes and yelled. “You little shit! get the hell outta there!” Reaching in Peter grabbed the peeping tom and drug him out by his collar. It was Mickey and he was spying on us. Peter threw him upon the ground and started to kick him.

“Stop Peter! Don’t hurt him!” I was at the verge of tears as Peter kicked and punched his little brother. After all he was only 10.

“I am gonna tell mom and dad what you both were doing. That is gross.” Mickey laughed and scrambled away from Peter’s thrusting leg.

“The hell you are. You little asshole.” Peter continued to kick his brother and landed a sharp blow to the side of Mickey’s head. Screaming, I ran and pulled Peter’s t-shirt trying to drag him away from his hurt brother but Peter continued to  beat him and pushed me to the ground again.

Mickey began to cry and beg his brother to stop but it was too late. Peter landed one more blow to Mickey’s temple and Mickey stopped moving. The dust obscured my vision as I  squinted to see what was happening. Peter continued to kick his limp brother and shout obscenities.  As I turned to run home, I saw Peter’s expression of regret but it was too late this time.

Mickey’s death was tragic and very un-called for. Peter came stumbling down the old dirt road the next morning covered in brown dust and his hair was full of weeds. I watched him through the screen door as he shambled home. I never spoke to anyone of what happened when his mom and dad asked me where he and Mickey were , in fact I never spoke for years afterwards. Someone took Peter away  and my parents had me admitted to a hospital for awhile. It was several years later that I finally finished school and started a normal life. Nothing much happened to me throughout my adulthood. My twenties went by in a flash and my thirties had just started. I never married or had any kids of my own.
 I was 32 when I recieved the strange phone call. It was Peter and you know what, he still loves me and I hate him for it.