Robert

He will meet you there.

   
She dusted off her jeans and pulled some slack before sitting down on her suitcase. The heat dug  into her brown skin ; she felt her throat closing up on her again. Boy,  did she ever hate having to go home to drama. Marie didn’t feel like this, she had enough of her own problems.

 Marie was just south of Clarksdale.  She had come quite a way from New Orleans and  she was dogged tired.  If only she could get to Memphis  before sunset, then she could make things right . Marie was feeling the heat now; she was exhausted from fatigue and needed some place to rest.  She felt the River city calling her home. A longing for familiar territory formed into a knot and caught her breath.   Who knows, she might just have to knock that bastard out because this girl was going home.
Her step-father was on Marie’s shit list. The entire time that Marie had been in the Parish; that asshole had been beating up on her mother. If her cousin hadn’t made a slip one night on the phone; Marie would have never known. Well, all hell was about to break loose, when Marie got to town. She might not be very big but she had her cute little pistol and that is all she needed. Well, a pistol , her gris gris and Marie would have that sucker begging for mercy. She smiled and tapped her suitcase. Her mind raced with thoughts of retribution as  a sand tornado spun up the highway whipping past her. Her dreads flopped around her smiling face and out in to the breeze. Marie’s lips moved in a silent chant. She wished she could be the wind. The wind had no worries and the wind was always free. Dropping her head, she shook her dreads and exhaled deeply. Marie continued to chant her prayer toward the ground as the tears came. A dark drop then another painted the dry dusty soil with Marie’s pain.

It was something between those moving lips which caused the wind to still and the sun retreat behind the singular cloud which hovered overhead. Marie moved her hands in a soft wafting rhythm then pushed them down as if lifting herself from some thick sludge. Her eyes opened and she focused on a broken bottle to the right of her converse sneaker. She tapped her foot. The sound of her shoe dropping onto the dusty earth pounded like a drum in her ear. It was working. In the distance, Marie heard it. The torment of his voice was unmistakable and the last twang of his guitar sent her heart into a nervous rythm. Marie stood and bit her quivering lip. Sweat covered her body; she gripped the mojo bag in her hand so tight her knuckles turned white. Her conjure burned her blood with a power that no one understood; regardless, Marie was scared…oh she knew the legends.

By the little black suitcase lay a phonebook; guess the poor girl thought she needed to take it from the cafe back aways. Marie didn’t need no phonebook, neither did she need a thing now. Marie was everything she wanted to be–free. Free from the oppressions of her humble home in the big easy, free from her family drama she so vehematly thought she had to take care of with her 45 and most of all–Marie was free from her flesh. No more did she have to deal with all those treatments for the sickle cell. Nobody knew she wanted so badly  to be free of all her troubles. She wanted to be free as the wind. How she loved the wind when it blew past her face. She often wished to be the wind–always moving, changing and then making its way back into the heavens. She took his hand and he brought it to his lips with a kiss. Marie smiled and dropped just one more tear for good measure.

The little black suitcase flopped over onto its side. In the distance a phantom hand plucked a string and another sand tornado whipped past the crossroads and dissipated beyond.

Practice

I don't remember exactly when it happened but I know that it will not go away. It's like a disease, it is. It is a debilitating thing that always seems to attack again when everything seems just fine and content in healing heartsville. I call it the plague, the pestilence... but once upon a time, I called it love.

I pushed the gurney faster because I really wanted to go home. She was busy lately with her "extra credit work", she called it.  It was later than late and I had had enough of this bloody thing and that bloody thing and the strange liquid containers. The things that surrounded me were putrid and smelly. The sweetness mixed with the sickening staleness of tissue and bone gave me the creeps. You would think that this was normal by now....working the graveyard with the dead...but it never grew old, and you never really got used it after all.

 The darkness was cool as I started into a sprint and passed the old wing of the mortuary. I had grown to love the darkness here actually because it covered the imperfections that I dealt with during the day...it took my thoughts away from... The humans who dwelt among the living were irritating to say the least. They were always talking about silly things as the weather, new clothing and men. This thought again made my eyes roll and so I huffed and puffed with frustration. At the end of the corridor, I slowed and turned right making my way through the double doors and into the waiting area. Through there, I passed into the inner sancctum of the corpse market. I was done now...done as I would ever be and it was time to go home. I would spend the next several hours trying to sleep away the hatred from the past...again and again until I finally fell into the arms of sleep. And sleep was grand...so lovely and non judgmental. Sleep never asked me why and sleep never made me wonder either... sleep was not a man with blue eyes who never left me any peace. Sleep was just there, right there where I left it so that I could return and enjoy its company. I could sleep better now that I had changed my profession...and I knew I would...it was only a matter of time.

 I pushed open the last set of doors positioned before the entry of the embalming room and moved the gurney over to the empty corner. I was finished with the nights routines and so I peeled off my gloved and threw them into the trash. Looking around, I noticed nothing in particular was out of place and so I went back into the adjacent room. I checked the shelves to make sure everything was in its place before turning off the lights. Nothing seemed amiss and so I walked on out into the outter entryway. Taking the paperwork from the desk, I signed out and returned the files to the cabinet. I was now free from all confines...even the holds of the dead.
.............................

"shhh...don't say a fuckin word."
His hands were rough and dirty and I could smell something akin to feces with a slight hint of ammonia. I was wondering beyond my fear if this man had wiped his ass with his hands. I pushed my face against his open palm and tried to figure out if that was all I was smelling. I smelled gasoline on his skin and that instantly alerted me of the fact that I should try and figure out if he had been pumping gas or if he had torched someone. I guess I watched too much Crime Scene Investigation or something. My eyes were wide and looking into his. I saw it then, the fear. This man was afraid and wasn't sure at all of what he was doing. I stared into his eyes and smiled beheathe his open palm.
"Bitch.. what are you looking at?" The perpetrator wrapped his arm around my neck and pulled me into the shadows. I could hear his breath in my ear as he whispered his intentions. His words quivered and stuttered into my attentive ear as I smiled bigger. He told me how he was going to rape me and I was going to let him. He told me that he was going to take what he wanted and if I was good and compliant, he would let me live. He proceeded to tell me how he would kill me if I made a noise...you know, the usual bullshit that most rapists spit when they are really scared beyond belief of what they are about to 'try' to do. As his breath neared my nose, I could smell the whiskey on his tongue and so I knew just how sure he was....not sure at all. I moved my face within his hand and tried to turn to face him but he knew that it was better if I couldn's see him. There was an ounce of intellect, after all, inside that thug mind of his and so he tightened his grip. All I could think about was how beautiful his eyes were in their fear and confusion; they reminded me of him..the one who...

The thug took a short gasp and I knew he was ready to commit his crime against my womanhood and so it was time.

.....................

It was just after sunset on 3rd St. and the smells from the nearby vendors was intoxicating. Authentic tacos mixed with street dogs wafted up and into the open cab windows inticing all sorts of tourists and locals alike. The smell of exhaust, gasoline and perfume mixed as well alerting and attracting other sorts to the streets of the city. There were so many smells, sights and sounds. A young girl crossed the street and disappeared into the alleyway between a local Italian eatery and the cleaners. She stopped abruptly before the dumpster, waited a moment then ran back the other way. Sounds of pain and exhaustion erupted from behind the dumpster. A short scream then a muffled cry proclaimed the end of something and then it was quiet.

A woman in her mid thirties walked from behind the dumpster and straightened her jacket. Her lip was bleeding, her arm was scraped and her jacked sleeve had been ripped half way off. She smiled and took a look around at her surroundings. Now, how was she supposed to do this? She remembered her car parked just at the other end of the alleyway, next to the pawn shop and so she returned to the man whom she had beaten.

"Now, you be quiet and....oh, what's the point?" She pulled the zip tie tighter around his wrists and drug him to this feet. "Walk!"

......................

The night was quiet as it had ever been before. All the others left around 3 am giving me the chance to tie up any loose ends before the sun came up. I was exhausted from the night's work. There had been three bodies brought in that had to be done before I left. My fingers were sore from the scrapping and prying loose of various shards of metal. A bombing, a shooting and a strangulation. The last one was a breeze and so I gave way to a sigh as I finished the paperwork on cadavar number 3. I so hated the smell that wafted in the air....fermaldahide, as usual. What I would't give to change the smell of that chemical for just one day...maybe a lavender or lylac scented solution.

 Darla just kept dreaming of things that would never happen...typical.

Her boss had warned me of the inefficient way I had been working and I was stressed to the max. I knew that I needed to put in extra hours to improve my techniques but there just didn't seem like enough work when I had the time and vice versa. This girl felt powerless to do anything but trudge on and take the critique. I knew, after a while, that I would be up to par and he would appreciate my work. So unlike the man I knew before, he appreciated my work all right..up until he no longer had any use for me. I thought about it again and grew saddened. I just couldn't stop thinking about him.

....................

We were all gone now....every last white coat had signed out and said their goodbyes to the dead. It was only me and the others...the corpses, the peices and parts of what brought their demise. We were all alone and so  I went to the secret place this time. I so wanted to get better, I did. I was so tired of bringing up the rear for the other perfectionists who worked here. I wanted this to be the right one, the right time and the place where I would belong for now on. I wanted this as I had wanted nothing else since...And I wanted to face my fears. I wanted to be rid of those things which had such a hold on me. The things and the thing called love...that once was love but had turned into a nothing. My mind was never at peace without it being stripped and laid prone for everyone to see. If I could practice, then maybe I could rid myself of the real problem in time. A figment...a symbol of something, maybe...but for now, there was something in the back of my mind that made no sense but would not stop screaming until it was fed. I made me act with these atrocities and I couldn't stop it...anymore than I could be done.

I opened the drawer and looked down at him. He smelled just as bad as he had before and maybe even worse since he had been encapsulated inside. I ran my hand along his jaw and admired his bone structure. His eyes were closed and so I couldn't be captured this time in their midst. I found a cloth and blindfolded him just in case he woke up again. I didn't want to look into those eyes while working...it was just...wrong. I saw the places where I had stuck him with my night stick...they looked sad to me and so I looked away for a second. I guess these things just had to be. I had to get better, both professionally and emotionally.

"Oh sir...I am sorry for this. I never meant for it to be this way but I just cannot stop."  I spoke into his ear wondering if he would wake...even though part of me did not want him to; I was still curious about the prospect.

Grabbing hands full of the sheet on each side of him, I pulled and tugged until he was on the gurney. Then I made my way out and into the hallways....headed for the embalming room.

............................

I didn't really want to go home now. It seems that the emptiness was still yawning widely from within me. He had woken for a moment but the pain was so excruciating that he couldn't keep his eyes open. I tried to get him to be quiet but he just wouldnt comply with me. After a while, he was gone...I mean really gone. I guess it was just too much for him to handle and here I was thinking he could handle anything. He was such a respectful and strong man...or was that the other guy. I am getting confused a little by them all. I seen his eyes and I knew it was you again. He was trying so hard to stay alive and to show me how strong a person he really can be. Then it was the thug in the alleyway, he was defying the fact that I had overcame him and I was just a girl. And this was just another version of strength I assume. I didn't want to go home now, I fetl unfilled yet. I thought this one would make it all better for me and make it all go away. I thought that killing love was all that I needed to do so that I could move on. But, he was still out there...somewhere, holding my soul in his front pocket and patting it lovingly. He knew the pain that I endured and the lengths that I had gone to rid myself of his torturous reduction. I could see him smiling now. I saw his eyes as they held the truth within them. He denied everything from his lips that was told in truth by his baby blues.

I pulled myself from the floor and peeled off my rubber gloves. I was done but yet, it had just begun. I grabbed the gurney and wheeled it outside the embalming room and down the corridor. The sun was rising and I had to make a decision. Should I keep practicing?

There is an understanding in this that cannot be conveyed with words on paper, with words whispered into the ear...there is only an understanding when the eyes meet each other. But then there is such raw and rare horror of it all that the eyes tend to hurt each other and their hosts. But there is a quickness of understanding there....there in the depths of honesty....there is something that only the dead covet. And within those dead eyes, for one moment, I am freed of you.

Extrusion

Manny grunted as he leaned forward. Sweat rolled down his forehead and into his eyes. “OH god!” he growled through his clenched teeth and grabbed the walls with both hands. The toilet creaked underneath him.
Manny was busy for some time relieving himself and felt like he had lost 10 pounds in the process. When it was all over, he felt like a new man. Pulling up his pants he attempted to flush the toilet. It didn’t work. But Manny didn’t care, he was liberated.

 He felt so light that he thought he might break out in song. “Ah…much better.” He pushed open the stall and headed toward the sink. Turning the faucet, he realized the water didn’t work either.

 “damnit.”

Reaching up, he flipped the light switch. He wasn’t surprised, that didn’t work. Manny flipped the light switch once more and got nothing. “Oh forget it.” Manny walked to the door and attempted to fling it open. The door would not budge. He pulled and shook the handle but nothing. Manny pulled harder but the door only seemed to wobble. No matter how hard he pushed or tugged, Manny couldn’t get the door open. He yelled as loud as he could.

“Hey!Somebody, anybody…let me out! Hey!”

For moments he heard only the machines repetitive garble. Minutes later, he heard something closer,a scuttering just outside. He could hear footsteps outside the huge metal door. His heart raced. Manny panicked often when he felt he was relinquishing all control.

Her voice was raspy and sarcastic, but he was relieved to hear it anyway. “Just a cotton picking minute. Didn’t you see that ‘out of order’ sign on the door? Damn temps.”

Manny stepped away from the door and let the mystery lady do her job. Rattling and fumbling echoed in his ears.

“Thank you, oh thank you.” He gasped as he watched the door screech open. Bright light surprised him making his hand go up to sheild his vision. A middle aged woman with a bad perm, manifested in the doorway. She was furrowing her eyebrows and pursing her lips. “the next time I aughta leave you in here. These toilets do not work, see the sign, there.” The maintenance lady pointed a bony finger at the smudged paper on the upper part of the door. Manny smirked.
 

“I was just about to go home. You better be glad I had my headphones off or you would be staying the night.” The srawny woman rubbed her greasy hands on her nose leaving black residue there. Manny stared at it.
“Hey, I am sorry but I kind of had an emergency, sue me.”
“Listen here, there’s a bathroom up front,lord boy.” she shook her head and turned to grip her cart. “I have to get out home.”
“Thank you miss..uh” Manny was cut short by the cleaning lady’s retort.
“Just stay outta that bathroom, that door is tricky besides that bathroom is out of order.” the aggravated lady walked away
cussing under breath.
Manny walked away too, hoping his stomach would feel better tomorrow.
………..
Manny couldn’t sleep. All night long he tossed and turned and woke feeling worse than the day before. But who was he kidding, he had at least another couple weeks until his probationary period was over, he couldn’t miss work.
“Damn, I feel horrible.” he sat up and rubbed his face. Deep within his abdomen, a growling rumbling monster threatened to tear through his bowels. He jumped from the bed and rushed to the bathroom.
Despite his discomfort, Manny showered and got dressed for work.
The rest of his morning, he tried to keep his diet simple. Surely this would pass. He didn’t even know what was wrong with him. “Maybe I have a stomach virus and the worst of it is over.”
He rummaged through his medicine cabinet finding some kind of generic antacids. He happened across some tums and took them as well. “Ah, yes, this should do it. Just 8 hours and maybe this will have run its course.
He decided it would be better to lay off lunch for the time being. Nothing in and maybe nothing out, he thought. Bobby Joe and Merle sat with him and a couple other newbies on probation. Bobby Joe and Merle were old hands and thought it funny to recount all the accidents that had happened years past at the factory. Bobby Joe’s eyes widdened when she told the story about the girl who was maimed at the molding machine while Merle added to the story. Images of peeling skin and severed digits almost made Manny gag. He tried to focus on the break room television to ground himself and keep his stomach settled.
Waves of nausea passed through his stomach and made his flesh grow cold. His discomfort was noticed and seemed to fuel the others grusome gusto. Manny sneered and lay his head down on the table.
Finally after the torture of listening to the horror stories and going back out onto his job site, Manny felt a little better. He glanced over at Meredith as she sealed containers and packed them neatly into boxes. Manny thought Meredith was beautiful. Maybe if he could just focus on her beauty, then he wouldn’t feel so bad.


“Hey, Manny.” A gravely voice pulled him from his daydreaming.
Manny turned to the voice and frowned. Tate, the forklift driver threw up the bird and flew by chuckling. Manny smiled as best he could and went back to work. That son of a bitch loved to fuck with him. Wonder what he was up to now. Tate was still looking at Manny when he almost ran right into the supervisor. The close call made the supervisor call Tate down from the forklift and join him in his office. Manny laughed. “Good for you, asswipe.”
As hours went by, Manny felt secure that the worst of his stomach problems had passed. There had been no nausea since lunch and he had even managed to down a can of soda and a couple of chips with no bad after effects. He felt certain that he would make it the rest of the night. All he needed now was a good night’s rest.
About an hour before quitting time Manny still felt good. He started to work faster, moving more parts than the old hands were moving. He smiled and even joked around a little with Bobby Joe and Merle. He was going to be fine, it seemed.
Manny’s tummy rumbled, just 10 minutes before time to leave. He laughed and pushed himself harder. Just as he reached his last crate of parts, Manny bent over and stopped abruptly. A sharp pain shot up through his bowels and into his stomach. A wave of sickness welled up suddenly keeping Manny in his bent position. Manny raised up slowly and stood still. The rumbling grew worse and Manny leaned against the press machine. A rumble and then another, followed by a lurching sensation within his esophagus reminded him that he was still sick.
“Oh hell, not now.” Manny began to sweat and chills broke out all over his body.
Merle noticed his abrupt stop and walked up to him. “Hey man, are you alright?”
Manny couldn’t speak, the pains in his bowels were getting worse and coming fast. He knew he wasn’t going to make it. He looked at the clock on the wall and swallowed the lump in his throat. The clock told him that he still had five minutes left before he could leave for the night. Manny had to go to the bathroom and he had to go quick.
He looked toward the bathroom in the front and saw Meredith. “damnit” he said and wiped the sweat from his forehead. Manny wasn’t a coward but he wasn’t going to break lose in the bathroom by where Meredith was standing. Hell no, he would feel humiliated. He glanced toward the other bathroom and sighed. “Oh shit, I cannot believe this.”



Manny guts roared and a stronger wave of nausea passed over him suddenly. He didn’t think much past the sudden heaving, and rushed toward the bathroom. The ‘out of order’ sign flopped as Manny threw open the door and ran to the nearest stall. He didn’t know what to do first, puke or the other undesireable solution to his present problem. The next several minutes were like minutes in hell, he imagined. When he was finished with his ordeal, Manny was covered in cold sweat. He collapsed against the wall and felt the relief. The cold metal wall soothed his torment for a moment. He forgot everything else in existence for that moment and the next. He completely lost all track of time. When Manny finally realized his predicament, an unknown amount to time had passed. Manny stood and pulled up his pants. That is when he noticed the stench.
“Damn Damn Damn…it smells like someone died in here, well, someone besides me.” manny pushed open the stall and headed toward the door. The door would not budge. Then Manny remembered.
 ”Well fuck me, now what?’ He stood for a moment with his wet hair against he metal door. Then he came to life with sudden urgency. Manny knocked at first, calling to whoever would listen.
 ”Hey! somebody, anybody…can you get me outta here?” Manny stopped
and listened. “Hey, please….somebody help me!” His voice grew louder still and he began to pound upon the ungiving door. Manny put his ear to the cold surface and listened. Nothing, not a sound could be heard except for the air rushing through the hundreds of air hoses throughout the plant. No whispers, no laughs, not even a single machine noise could be heard. Manny began to pound again.

“Hey, Miss cleaning lady…are you out there?” Manny beat the door with both hands and then gave it a hard kick. He grabbed the handle and banged it inside its housing. That is when he contemplated breaking the damn thing off. He remembered how, as a kid he had gotten out of many situations such as this by simply man ‘handling’ the problem. Everytime his brother had locked him in the bathroom, he had just kicked the door down and beat the hell outta him. But this was a metal door and Manny didn’t know what he was going to do. He could hear nothing from the other side and he was really afraid that it was too late.

The putrid smell brought him back suddenly to his senses and Manny assaulted the door once more. He kicked and beat the door until his hands were raw and his toes were killing him. Manny stood back and enjoyed a fit of hard breathing and exhausted limbs. “Oh please…I swear I won’t use this bathroom again.” Manny felt suddenly hopeless. His whole being was tired but fortunately, his stomach problems were curiosly absent now. “Oh, so now I feel just fine, except I feel like shit.”

Manny slid down the wall plopping onto the floor. His tired hands caught his head as it felt forward. He suddenly felt sleepy and thought he just might take a nap. What difference did it make anyhow, he might as well get some sleep considering he would probably be here all night.
Manny relaxed and drifted slowly in and out of shallow sleep. Every little noise woke him and made him strain to hear. But nothing, nothing would be helping Manny tonight. He just had to get that through his tired skull. Manny finally found a deeper sleep and leaned against the corner snoring.
………
Manny awoke with a start. He could hear rustling and a loud clang from outside the his prison. He bolted up and made for the metal door. OH how he wished he had a peep hole at the moment. Manny could hear various scamperings and scufflings just outside and he tried to hold his breath in the illusion that he could figure the sounds out. Then, as loud as they were, they suddenly halted. Manny strained even harder to hear something inside the absense of sound. He growled and waited. Lifting one fist, Manny made a face and proceeded to knock on the door. But right before striking the surface, Manny paused. He encountered a strange thought.How did he know who was out there? What if someone had broken in the plant? Maybe they were thugs and maybe they would beat Manny senseless or even kill him. Manny took his hand down and waited but no sounds came. Manny moved back to the spot where he had rested and slid back down the wall. For a long period of time, he heard nothing but then he thought he heard a whisper…or something.

It sounded like a woman or a child maybe and what it said…Manny couldn’t be certain. He strained and put his ear on the cold surface of the wall. He heard it again. A soft sweet voice called to someone from somewhere on the other side of his entrapment. She sounded scared, she sounded lost even, maybe she needed help like Manny. Manny imagined one of his female coworkers locked in the women’s restroom on the other side of the men’s room where he was. That made perfect sense to Manny. Manny moved to the far wall that attached to the women’s room and listened again. Her voice grew louder and Manny smiled. Yes, she was trapped as Manny was, and probably had been here for hours as well. But why hadn’t Manny heard her before? Manny stopped pondering for a moment. The woman was crying, he was sure of it. The soft muffled gasps made Manny feel really bad for the woman. He decided to speak to her, calm her or maybe just be there for her.

“Hey, hello?” Manny ventured out with a soft tone but loud enough to be heard opposite the bathroom wall He waited but there was no reply. Manny noticed, though, that the girl had stopped crying. Maybe she was straining to hear him. Manny spoke louder.

“Hey! I am trapped too!” Manny yelled louder and instinctively pounded the bathroom wall.
Manny could no longer hear the poor woman’s pleadings. He felt strange and confused. The silence returned and he just sat by the wall listening, listening for anything that could prove to him that he was not alone.

The door opened. At first Manny thought he was halucinating and that somehow he may have fallen back to sleep again and was dreaming of his freedom. His breath caught in his throat and he stood way too quickly. Manny’s head spun and he staggered forward. He crept slowly toward the open door, a little wary of what lie beyond. Who opened the door for him, he wondered?  Maybe someone had come back in to clean up before the day shift. Manny walked to directly in front of the open door and stared out. He saw machines, as they were before he ran into the bathroom. No tools lying around, nothing out of place to signify the noises he had heard earlier. But lights were on, the whole factory was lit up like production time. Manny felt strange. He was entering a colored world from his black and white prison of metal and putrid wastes. He took a chance, Manny rushed from the bathroom and bent to his knees in relief. He was free, finally he was free.

Then he heard her voice again, calling softly from somewhere. He looked over to the ladies room directly beside the men’s stalls. But strangely, the sounds didn’t seem to be coming from there. A short sharp clang sounded from somewhere within the plant then a muffled dragging from somewhere else. Manny turned from side to side looking for the source of the noise. Someone had let him out of the bathroom, now where were they?

“Hello? Is anyone here?” Manny questioned, wanting to pay thanks to his hero of the night who set him free. No one answered him with words. But more various clanks and shuffles sounded across the department and then sounds erupted from the other departments as well. Manny started walking toward the front of the plant. He was getting out of here now. He was quite fed up with strangeness for the night. Besides, he felt better and needed a drink.

Manny almost had a heart attack when a broom fell across his path and tripped him. He tried to keep his balance but his brisk walk made him tumble down upon his elbow. His arm gave way and Manny rolled over against the huge press machine. His heart beat wildly as he scrambled to understand what had just happened. But when he tried to grab hold of the side of the press, a hand reached out for him. Manny gasped and fell back onto the floor in fear.

“Shit! You scared me.” Manny exclaimed without looking up. He was just begininng to feel the sharp pains coursing up through his arm. The hand reached further down, coaxing Manny to rise. Manny looked up but didn’t attempt to take the hand. He pulled himself up and stood with his own efforts.
She was nice looking and maybe around her early or mid 30s and she was wearing casual clothing much like anyone else wore while at work. Manny stopped cursing long enough to smile at the pretty lady then continued to pamper his sore arm.

“Hi, my name is Tina.” the girl spoke and offered her hand again. But Manny was still whining and acting too much like a baby to shake her hand. Finally Manny decided to speak.

 ”Hi, I’m Manny, I didn’t know we had a graveyard shift here. I was stuck in that damn
bathroom for hours.” Manny regained his sensible thoughts and spoke again. “Hey, did you let me out of the bathroom? Thank you.”

Tina’s face looked puzzled and she chuckled. “Oh, no that was probably Peter. He is the night maitenance man.”

“Well, I appreciate that. Thank him for me. I have to get out of here. I have to be back at work tomorrow afternoon and if I don’t get any sleep, I won’t be worth much.”

Manny caught Tina’s eyes and saw something dark that suddenly gave him chills. He held her gaze until she dropped her pretty blonde head and stared at her feet.

“Hey, it was nice meeting you, Tina. I will catch you around here sometimes.”

Manny turned and walked on to the front doors. He reached out and pulled the handle and got nothing. It wouldn’t budge. ” For christ’s sake!! Now what?” Manny felt as though he was going to lose his mind. He had spent what seemed like many hours in the bathroom, now he couldn’t even get out the front door to his car.

“Hey!” Manny started as he walked back toward where Tina had been. “Can someone please let me out.” Manny looked from side to side for help but strangely there was no one to be found. If there was a graveyard shift, then where was everyone? Manny walked through one department to the other and found no one, no trace of any people moving parts or packing boxes. It was as if they didn’t even exist. The factory fell into silence again. Manny was really losing his nerve now. First a night spent inside a smelly bathroom that was cold and damp, now he couldn’t even leave the plant. His hands began to shake. Manny ended up right back in front of the ‘Out of Order’ bathroom. He stared deeply into its open mouth.


“This is ridiculous.” Manny felt something tapping his shoulder and spun around.

Nothing, there was nothing but machines and parts from wall to wall. Manny listened and heard the deafening silence of many inactive machines. ONly the air through the hoses reminded him that he was real. He felt the poking again but much harder. Manny spun around faster trying to catch whatever was vying for his attention, but the factory was still curiously empty. Where had the workers gone, where was Tina?

Then he heard the whispering voice again but was unsure of where it was coming from. He turned and turned, stepping this way and that. His eyes scanned every corner of the factory. The poking continued upon his shoulder.

“I cant take this.” Manny shouted to whoever might hear him and then bolted back toward the front door. He rammed the door and knocked himself onto the concrete floor. Manny looked up from where he lay. He saw the bright lights swaying from the ceiling. They were covered in cobwebs. He closed his eyes and tried to keep an grip on his sanity. When he opened his eyes again, he saw a half man. Manny couldn’t move.

Standing above him smilng was some man who was mutilated almost beyond recognition. Half his face was melted away and the rest of his body was tattered and covered in wet gore. Manny pushed against the concrete floor and scurried backwards away from the creature. “What the hell?”

Then he saw Tina. She stood beside the horrible man and didn’t seem afraid at all. Her face was pale but her smile was comforting to Manny. He tried to focus on her face so as not to look at the ugly man. But out of the corner of his eye, Manny was tormented by what he saw. He shook with fear.

“Manny, are you okay?” Tina spoke softly and held her stomach. She then reached out and offered him another hand of help.

Manny crawled all the way back to the front door and pulled himself up by the handle.

“What’s going on? Who is that or what is that?” Manny questioned Tina and looked in horror at the mutilated man. “Is this some joke or something?”

Tina looked sad. Her head tilted and she walked toward Manny. “Don’t be afraid Manny. I won’t hurt you and Jim isn’t a bad person. He just got hurt really really bad.”

Manny was confused. He didn’t know what to think, what to do or whether or not he was dreaming. He figured he would wake up pretty soon, this was just too unrealistic and creepy.

 ”Do you work here or is someone playing a prank on me?”

There was no answer from Tina in fact she looked worried, very worried. She glanced from side to side irratically.

Manny felt a thickness in the air much different than anything he had ever felt. The lights flickered and a loud hum, or better yet, a roar began to build throughout the factory. Manny’s ears started to ring and even the concrete beneathe his feet vibrated softly.

“What is happeneing?” Manny spoke over the roar of the machines.

“They’re coming Manny. You have to hide.”

"Who...who's coming, Tina?" Manny asked in stark fear.

Tina screamed right before Manny passed out.

 When Manny opened his eyes, he was in the bathroom stall again. His hands were sweaty and the stench was horrible. The big steel door was shut and Manny felt the muscles in his hands cramp horribly. He rose and walked toward the door. He tried the handle but it would not budge. Manny was still trapped. His long exhale was followed by a stream of curse words. Then Manny wondered about what had happeded before. He could not get the face of the half man from his mind. It had seemed so real, not a dream at all. It was quiet, so quiet for hours to follow. Manny checked his watch for the time and smiled. It was almost dawn, the cleaning lady would be here to help him soon.

Softly, from somewhere outside the big steel door…Manny heard a woman’s voice. He strained his ear and pressed it tightly against the cold steel. He clearly heard her speak this time.
Manny looked at his watch again and gasped. He had only been trapped for an hour it seemed and it would be quite a while till dawn. Manny couldnt understand what had just happened. He could have sworn that it was almost dawn.

The ladies voice came again, softly but clearly. She spoke two words.

“Help me.”

Driven

The leg, the foot and the left side.
 

General William was ready. As he buttoned up his jacket, he thought about Elizabeth. her sobs wafted in from the bedroom and landed upon his ear. She didn’t want him to go but she knew it was his job. Problem is, she didn’t think he would return to her. The general smiled at such a notion then his heart sank at that same notion. What if he didn’t come back?

Patricia was coming, already just over the ridge and would take care of Elizabeth for him. He knew Patricia was a good colored woman and wouldn’t let his wife ‘do bad things’ this time. Those women could only be trusted with some things and that is why Lavinia and two other old negros would help her. They could all keep an eye on each other. William chuckled at the thought and the silly visual he was having. What a sight that would be.

He was afraid, he was. His hands trembled as he pulled on his gloves and tightened his belt. He knew the bloodbath that had become his beloved south and he understood the stakes in this battle. What a strange notion, abolishing slavery, he still didn’t understand the whole idea.

William glanced in the mirror once more and ran his hands down the gray jacket. His hands shook. What was he really doing, was there any point to this? He reached up and ran another hand over his mustache and grunted.

“Well, I reckon I should be going.” he said to no one in particular. William glanced to the bedroom and decided to pay one more visit to Elizabeth before he rode away.

Elizabeth lay in bed with her head pressed into a white feather pillow. Her beautiful gown was crumpled in her right hand serving as her handkerchief.William winced at the mess his wife was in. Her blond curls were frizzed and tangled and her face was pale. Elizabeth was getting worse.

“Elizabeth, honey, come here.” William sat on the corner of the bed and pulled his wife from her pitiful nest. A large gasp followed by more tortured sobs came from her open mouth. William grasped her head and turned it toward him. Her eyes were shut tight, head was shaking. Elizabeth drew her baby blue gown to her mouth and wept.

“Listen here, girl…you know I have to be going.”

William started, “Patricia is almost here, she will help you with the baby. Where is that Lavinia?”

William glanced toward the hallway. The slave girl should have been walking by with linens or pillows or something, busying herself. Something was suddenly odd.

“Elizabeth, where is Lavinia?” William shook Elizabeth lightly and waited for her reply. Elizabeth’s swollen eyes opened and she stared at William.

“I sent her away William. She was putting that native stuff all around my room. There’s this one doll, over there by the closet, the one with the striped arms and blond hair. It scares me William. I tell you, those girls are trouble.” Elizabeth’s eyes grew wide in fear at the thought of her own words. She shrugged free from William’s hands and sat upright in bed.

“Elizabeth, you need those girls here with you until I return.” William exhaled heavily, “I must be going now, I will tell Patricia to fetch Lavinia and a couple more young ones from over at Earnest’s place.”

William rose from Elizabeth’s bedside and pulled his belt into place. His eyes met his wife’s swollen baby blues and he swallowed the lump in his throat. No matter how hard he tried, he knew she could see his fear. She knew him, like no other woman had, she felt his dread.

“William, come back to me..” Elizabeth spoke as another tear trailed down her cheek. “I am afraid of these people here, I am afraid of those damned dolls and I am just afraid of this place.”

William couldn’t understand his wife’s depression. He could only comfort her. And after he was gone, she had only the good lord and those colored girls to look after her. William looked toward the door and then back to his wife. He was torn between his duty and his …duty. What more could he do but walk away. His boot heels made a dull thud as he went toward the door. Elizabeth’s sobs became muffled as she fell face first into her pillow.

“I love you dear.” William spoke, touching his hat and then left the room.

…………….

“Suppose Mrs. Lizbeth seen you doin nat..” Patricia snatched the doll from Lavinia’s hand and smacked her across the face.

Lavinia grit her teeth and stood taller. “I aint no slave
 o yaws. Don be hittin me like that.” lavinia’s chest heaved and she snatched the doll back from her elder.

“Listen Lavinia, I tell you, theyz don understand our ways, you an me.” Patricia pointed to Lavinia and then to herself. Her anger had mounted. Just as she was about to explain her point further, she saw William walking toward them. He was obviously upset and about to be on his way.

“You go up there and talk to Elizabeth, I don’t need her working herself up any more than she is now. You hear, go!” William spoke as he walked toward the door. “And, remember what I told you about the work around here. Elizabeth is not to lift a finger.”

And that was all he said, and he was gone. Lavinia made a face and caressed her little doll’s matted hair. “Mean ole white man.”

………….

Elizabeth was screaming. Not minutes after William had mounted his horse and head out over the hill, did she let out her wailing. She was up, running to the bowl by the window and splashing water in her face. “OOOOh my William, lord have mercy on me” She wheezed and gasped for air then fell in the floor by the table.

Patricia ran to her side and stroked her face. “Mrs. Elizabeth, come on now….shhhh”

Lavinia stood in the doorway and stroked her doll. Her round brown face was stricken in fear.

“I can’t take it Patricia, don’t leave me.” Elizabeth cried and pulled the slave woman’s dress sleeve. She just wanted to find a place to hide. Anything would work at the moment.

“Listen honey, you got to be strong. Ms. Betty and Nona is watching the baby. You just need to come on downstairs and see your little Margaret.” Patricia smiled and wiped Elizabeth’s forehead with a dish cloth. Elizabeth’s eyes suddenly went vacant. Her sobs quieted.

“I need some privacy, Patricia.” Elizabeth looked at the woman and dropped her gaze. “I have to do my personal business, if you know what I mean.”

Patricia laughed before she could contain it. “That’s right, You just start with the little things then. I will help you souz you don fall down.”

“No..no…I want to be alone. You shouldn’t have to do those things in the company of other women and I won’t do my business in front of no….I mean, I don’t need any help.” Elizabeth sucked up the remainder of her tears and started to stand. Her legs wobbled underneath her and her tangled curls fell into her face.

Patricia stood back obviously hurt by her ladies intended insult. “Fine then, You jus go on and do your ‘business’. I will wait jus here.”

…………..

Elizabeth pulled up her long ruffled sleeve and glanced at her arm. The lines were barely visible.
Her husband’s straight razor came down and pushed against the soft flesh of her forearm. Elizabeth winced as she drug the blade across her skin. Fine beads of crimson blood welled up and streamed across her arm. Her heart raced. She giggled hysterically.
Elizabeth chunked the razor into the sink and then the door opened.

“Mrs. Elizabeth, I knew youz up to that again. I heard that funny laugh youz be doin. Oh dear…”

………………

Two weeks later

Lavinia shoved the pin into the shaggy haired doll and smiled.

“You bad ole man. Iz told you not to talk to me like that. The blue cavalry is going to get youz and Iz gonna be free!”

The second pin sent into his foot and the third pin hung pendulously between Lavinia’s fingers.

“Now what ya gonna do, Mr. white man?”

Lavinia turned the pin around in between her fingers and brought it just over the doll’s heart. A loud bang  sounded through the house and she shoved the pin just inches from the x, the man doll’s heart place. “Well damned be to hell, whats goin on in this place.”

“LAVINIA!!! I need you to come here, girl. What you doin in there anyhow?”

Lavinia took the doll and tucked it away underneath an old quilt. She was so tired of that woman always yellin at her. Maybe someday when theyz all free, she would make a doll for patricia.

…………

Two weeks later

She had looked everywhere and she couldn’t find the doll. Her head felt dizzy and her stomach churned. Lavinia knew she was in deep trouble if Mrs. Elizabeth found that thing. She was already spooked about the ‘native stuff’. Lavinia just played around anyway. Nothing more than some silly stuff her cousin told her. When she made the doll, she didn’t think it would work.

When news came of William’s death and how it happened, Lavinia fainted. She didn’t care about that ole white man, in fact, she hated him. But lord knows she didn’t know how to kill him.

She saw right where that pin went. The leg, the foot and the left side of the doll’s chest. Mr. William had been killed by a giant ball, they come outta that cannon and hit him…leg, then foot and then the left chest. Oh lord, Lavinia thought.

She dug further into the old chest, pulling up quilts
and afghans, throwing aside old bonnets…but nothing.

“Are you looking for this?”

Lavinia turned to see Mrs. Elizabeth standing in the doorway of the slave girl’s room. The white ladies arms were a pattern of slashes and scars. The doll with the gray jacket and pin through leg and foot dangled in Mrs. Elizabeth’s hand. A red blotch covered the place where the x went. Elizabeth was fuming and sobbing at the same time, other hand holding onto William’s straight razor.
Two men came to stand behind the distraught white lady. They held ropes and mean faces. Lavinia rubbed the quilt she held tightly in her hand. She barely felt the pin prick in her thumb. She looked down in shock and saw the pin…the red tipped one she had drove into Mr. Williams chest. The one that killed that ole white man.


 

forever beasts

Did I really hate him, of course not. But was I frustrated by the fact that he didn't save me from my demons...maybe. I just wanted to go away. I wanted to go away from it all and just die.
I heard him calling to me quietly, inside my head. He was frantic and quiet and I knew time was of the essence. I knew that in order to escape, I had to answer him. His mind was an open feild to me now. He knew that in order for me to trust him, he had to let me inside to see what he held within. I walked the halls of his mind quietly and surveyed all that was there inside him. I started to calm gradually and consider going back to him. Reaching into my little sachel, I retrieved two sprigs of Alonitum and chewed absent mindedly. How long could this go on, even in the wild. I fingered through the bag of seeds and wondered if I held the answer to this problem. I had little time to think and to roll these things over in my head. Things were not as they seemed and I could see this in his thoughts. I could see everything, peices of my dead parents strewn across the forest floor, Tamas, writhing in pain as his silver arrow protruded from the beast which had attacked him. The beast was dead but Tamas and I were wounded. Tamas lie dying in my mind...dying on the forest floor with my name upon his lips and the name of my mother there as well.

I wept upon the cavern floor as Tamas called to me desperately. I wept for everything...my undoing, my demons and my fate which was still dangling by a thin thread.

I heard them then, I smelled them coming for me...for us. I knew they were nearing our location and I had to do something. Without much further thought, I made my decision.

.....................

We were running, Tamas and I...trying to escape death on horseback. The huntsman pounded the path behind us and we ran faster. Tamas squeezed my hand and pulled me further.

"You must run faster, Roma. They are gaining on us." Tamas didn't look as winded as I, so he pulled me again and urged my forward. I felt my belt slipping and looked down just in time to catch the small sachels containing my meds. My hand gripped the loose leather strap and pulled the bags up to my breast.

Tamas stopped momentarily and looked at me. "What is that? It's the Alconitum." Tamas answered his own question after quickly searching my mind. He frowned and pulled me on....running again...galloping back to full sprint. In a turn or two we encountered a high slope and decided to climb. Tamas pulled me, simply dragging and tugging, up the hillside. At the top of the slope, he dodged behind a  huge oak and took my face roughly into his hands.

"I don't want to run anymore, Roma." Tamas looked defeated and broken. "I don't want to hide."

I was astonded by his confession of weakness. I smiled weakly and held tight my herb bag. "What do you mean, Tamas?"

Tamas caressed my face and spoke. "I have no Alconitum."

I looked at the bag and nodded. "Then I shall share with you, Tamas. Besides, I think I have seeds to grown more when we can...."

Tamas interrupted me and spoke sternly. "Roma, we don't have time for that. Planting takes days to come to fruition. We do not have days left until the moon moves away...until the danger has passed...We do not have enough time."

" I have 4 sprigs of Alconitum left." Just as I announced the fact, I was floored. I did not have enough to keep myself human, besides sharing with Tamas. I knew that this was over before I even spoke. I knew that soon, our humanity would be gone and there was nothing I could do about it. "So what do you propose that we do, Tamas?"

Tamas glanced around the oak and then back to me. His face was a mixture of sadness and love. There beyond those simple feelings was the fact that Tamas had already made peace with the beast inside of himself. He didn't have to say a word for me to understand and yet he did. He found the humanity within himself to speak those hurtful and dreading words that he longed to hide from me. "Roma, we have to change...or we will die. We have to let the beast have its way."

I frowned and shook my head in denial. For such a long time, I had lived off the Alconitum. I had made a life for myself in Malvachia for years. Things had become routine except for maybe a little mishap here and there. Overall, I had done very well for myself with the help of the taltos people who roamed the vasts forests. I almost covered my tracks until the last mishap which drove me into the caverns. I opened my mind and showed Tamas what I was feeling, what had happened to me and why they were hunting me. Tamas smiled and caressed my face again.

"I know...I know what you did and its not your fault. He was just one of them...he was a hunter. They will never forgive you for defiling one of their own. They will kill you, Roma." Tamas looked ashamed at what he had pulled free from my mind and so he put it back there and covered it back up for me.

I exhaled and dropped the velvet sachels on the forest floor. I knew that Tamas was right and there was no other way. I connected with his mind and he saw my answer clearly enough.
"Okay sweetheart...just stick with me and don't be afraid. We have until nightfall and then....we must be ready to attack. You are free and you shall remain so." He pulled me up and we ran on up the hill and over the ridge.

.............................

I am not sure how far we ran but I know that we only stayed ahead of the huntsman for this time, they persistant. The waning of the moon had left them with false security of what the night would bring. All their legends and stories which had been shared with them by their elders had led them to the false comfort of safety. Their hearts pumped wildly and their horses frothed at the mouth. They pushed on and on and grew closer as the day died. I heard their excitement and their anger at both the prospect of my murder and the fast fading fear of Tamas. They were willing to face the blue eyed demon in exchange for the capture of the beast. As far as they knew, I was loaded up on Alconitum and it would be a breeze to bring me down. Ten strong men could surely reign me in along with their renegade scout...which to them was surely human enough in their eyes by now.

The mud was curling around our feet pulling us down as we trudged through the mire and muck. The newly falling snow was melting and creating a strange captive force for us to reckon with. But still, Tamas pulled us onward...onward and through the spring, the valley and closer to the northern regions. By the time that the sun was falling low, we had reached a high ridge and could run no more. I looked into the sky and saw our lunar friend crawling up the heavens in an early hello.

I dropped the Alconitum and starred at it in fear. It was my crutch, my helpmate for years that had passed. I had released its hold on me and now I was ready.

 I saw the moon first and so I nudged Tamas to look up and into the sky at its brilliance. When the light shone on his face he smiled.

 "There it is....the light which revealed the truth" Tamas looked over at me still smiling like someone gone mad. "and the truth was not pretty at all...but the truth was free."

His words sent chills throughout my body and tickled my skin. I felt those words gripping my mind, pulling me under and dragging me down into something that I was not accostumed to. I panicked suddenly and dropped to all fours. Tamas snatched the velvet bags from my reach and chunked them both over the ridge. I fell onto the ground and gasped in defeat.

"Tamas....I...cannot do this." I lay down and curled into a ball. I didn't know how to change...to transform. I only knew how to remain human at all costs.

Tamas squated beside me and looked into my eyes. I could see the pupils dilating quickly and the color of his face was darkeneing. "It is upon us, Roma. It is here and we are ready...I am ready...you have to be ready. They are coming up the hill now. Accept who you are and do it now!"

At the end of his words, I felt the contraction. I felt it spread up and into my bowels, every organ inside was on fire. I cringed and screamed out suddenly. In the distance, I heard the horses whinnying and snorting in fear. The hunters were talking and yet they pulled onward. I screamed again and then the hunters paused. I felt their every fear become concrete, I smelled their cowardis suddenly and I smelled my own animalistic changes proceeding onward. I looked for Tamas but he was gone. In an attempt to rise, I saw Tamas writhing on the ground and growling loudly. His body shook and contorted in the brightness of the moonlight. I would have tried to help him but I couldn't think clearly. I felt my vision grow blurry and the colors began to disappear. I reached up to feel my face and it was hot as fire...my hands were shaking and I felt as if I was going completely insane. My last thought as a human was ...why...oh why was I on fire?

..............................

I was staring into the face of a beast. I should have been frightened, I know. There are so many things in this world that should frighten us. But I was not scared at all. I was simply fascinated by what I saw. Its fur was covered in shimmering red drops of something beautiful. I could see everything around me as well and the beast did not try to hurt me at all. I could hear it growling gently along with all the other creatures of the forest. The beast just stared at me at first then it loped off down a trail...so I followed. I could smell death...death all around me but I did not look. I was so enamored by the creature and its strength. And that is when I noticed something odd about myself. My vantage point was odd. The trees, they seemd to be in the wrong position...and I was no longer cold at all. I thought of Tamas, I thought of his beautiful face and his love. I missed Tamas. Suddenly, I was a little afraid. Where was Tamas...why did he leave me here alone with these beasts? I grew saddened by his absense and the further I went down the trail following that horrid beast, the more I missed Tamas. I felt a pain inside that nothing could explain...not even I. I could not stop following the beast...I could smell him and he was so familiar but I could not read its thoughts. The beast stopped and turned back toward me. His blue eyes twinkled in the moonlight and my soul just died a little. I lifted my head and screamed because I knew that Tamas was no longer Tamas.

I heard my scream and it killed me inside for all I heard was a loud...piercing .... and monstrous howl.

I knew that we were beasts and I knew that what had happened could not be undone.

beasts 4

He stopped crawling toward me and looked up. There he was...the man I knew as Tamas. But who was Tamas? All in flesh and blood....and eyes...penetrating eyes. Those eyes were so close that I could fall into them and drown forever. It was rather ridiculous, really... the way they made you feel. There was more magic there than in the transformation. I was thrashing and paddling in those waters, trying to keep myself afloat in those orbital unknowns.

I just couldn't help myself...I really couldn't. Something in my heart was about to burst and I had no idea why. I reached out with one soot covered hand to touch the man that I was sure was only an illusion.

"Tamas..." I whispered as a smile broke his countenance.

"Yes, it's me Roma."

Tamas turned his body this way and that trying to face me and yet be comfortable. The cavern was tight and his legs were pulled underneathe him. He wriggled a little more and pulled his body into a semi comfortable slumping position. He seemed okay with it and so he smiled again.

"I know you." My mind reached out again and tried to strengthen the newly formed connection. As tendrils of my brain touched his, he withdrew just a tad and his smile faded for a moment. It was as if he was trying to protect something in the midst of letting me see some of the things that might help me to understand the present situation. His eyes shifted down and then back again to meet mine. He bit his lip absently.

"We should leave here...now, Roma. They are onto your scent. They have the hounds with them and they expect your location on my return. They trust me, they own me in ways, you know. I am like a scout to them, you know. It is so very hard to explain to you about what all these things mean. I promise that I shall clear it all up for you....but you must trust me....please."

Tamas took my hand and placed it on his left cheek and closed his eyes. The thumb of my right hand brushed the bridge of his nose and I stroked the skin almost as habit. There was something oddly intimate about such a simple gesture. Turning his face into my hand, he sniffed the warm flesh of my palm, my wrist and my fingers. He seemed as fascinated with me and I was of him. I could see so much in the dim light...so much of Tamas. He looked into my eyes again and I saw even more of Tamas. I saw pain that was extraordinary but so well hidden. I saw anger and frustration and yet I saw a desire to be needed and accepted for what Tamas really was. In short...I saw humanity....and I desired that humanity.

"I know you...but why? How do I know you, Tamas?"

I reached, searching for anything that his mind could offer up to me. But he was guarded again, frightened...or maybe I took a wary protection as fear when there was no fear at all. Tamas was saddened suddenly...even defeated. He placed my hand back into my lap and looked down at his own fingers.

"It's not your fault Roma. I did this thing and I should have stayed there....helped you learn. I did not protect you....I did not stop it soon enough."

I started to understand nothing. I was more confused and his mind was a wall. I felt desires and hungers rising up from within. I pushed and pushed at veneer of Tamas's mind, hoping beyond hope to make a crack in the wall. I chipped a little away finally and saw just a bit of something. I saw a hunger...a hunger to rival and yet defeat my own. I saw desires so similar and so carnal but yet they were not mine. I saw things that Tamas had learned to control that appeared so much like my own crutches, my own defeats...and yet, he was broken...broken as I was broken.

I became angry. I felt the surge of flames rising up inside as I looked into those eyes. I saw the little girl alone in the forest crying...I saw the little girl through his eyes and then I saw the wolf...through my own eyes. I felt so small, so vulnerable. Then there was the huntsman. I looked up from a very small vantage point to see the huntsman standing above me, crossbow at ready...shouting in a language foreign to my own. I was crying. Then, again...switching to and fro...I saw through the eyes of the lycanthrope but not through my lupine acknowledgment...but his. An unknown predator, the wolf stalking the baby, the wolf wishing to devour the small child and the ..hunter...the hunter...his eyes so blue, his hair a mass of black and his face stern in concentration. Silver tipped arrow head quivering in the bow. The lunging of the wolf, the wound on my baby innocent arm. The cut, no...the gouge...no... the bite. I saw the hunter taken down in the jaws of the beast and so I ran on little legs. Trees flashing by me, rocks and then....the cavern.

The luminecent light danced on the cave wall making Tamas squint. I was here, with him and he was frowning. His forehead was furrowed. The face of the hunter, the eyes of death. It was only Tamas and I, alone inside the earth talking of things that should not be spoken in silent language of the mind. I looked down at my forearm and moving my tattered sleeve up and away from the rest of my arm. There were no wounds, only small star shaped scars dappled along the cold flesh. Hardened and healed by time, they were, things with not story until now. Why hadn't I remembered? A sudden pain erupted through my head and then visions of fur flying, elongation and hot hot blood trickling down my chin...the turning.

I gasped and pulled away from the man before me. I glared into his face, his reaching thick hands and I glared deep within those blue eyes.

" I hate you!"

Growling, I turned from Tamas scratching and scrambling attempting to  pull myself deeper into the cavern.... further away from the truth...so that I could hide.

Beasts 3 (my dear Tamas)

She is dead. Deep within the forests between Malvachia and the northern region, I found her body. She had been burned and piled with others...others that I did not know. I knew it was her because...I just knew the smell of the taltos. There were other things as Benti but yet,were no other beings such as Benti; she was the only one who I knew to have the source of my humanity. Her little hovel had been ransacked. The huntsmen had pillaged her home, taking what they wanted thinking of what they might be rewarded for by thier theivery. They had attempted to burn her home to the ground but the flames had stopped just short of her bedding. Maybe it had been rains, maybe the magic she held within or maybe nothing at all. I was beginning to think it was nothing at all but fate. Her supply of Alconitum was gone but I found something...something that maybe was much more valuable than the Alconitum itself. I found a small grey sachel of seeds. I smelled the little round bits and found the smell to be curiously like that of the Alconitum herb.

I whispered softly in awe. "Wolfsbane seed...could it be..."

Then the breeze brought a scent to my nose. An alarming human scent came wafting up the hillside and invaded my senses. An inner warning started to ring throughout my brain of coming enemies. All humankind, except for a few were becoming my fast enemies. I cringed and thought of how much I wanted to bury Benti, the taltos, in her own earth before running away again. I did not want to be scared from here...not just yet. And so I hid behind the hovel and into Benti's earthen vault. The thing looked rather intact and it would seem that no one had found this hidden treasure. The place smelled of all different sorts of meats; venison, boar and rabbit. My sense of smell was on a thrill ride but it was just too dangerous to let my guard down to enjoy a fast meal. Looking around me, I saw them. The hanging bodies of vermin of all kinds...cold and preserving...just as I felt to be doing with myself at the moment. The cold radiated throughout me almost to the point ot shivering...my teeth chattered and so I held my jaw tight with both hands. Up above, I heard two humans rummaging through Benti's things. I was furious...but I did not move.

....................

8 more sprigs of Alconitum...

I found rest in a cavern south of my destination. Here I ingested two more sprigs of Alconitum. It had been two days since the advent of the full moon. Soon, I could put away what I had left of the Alconitum and try to find a place to grow the seeds. If I truly possessed the seed of Wolfsbane, then there was no limit as to how long I could survive as human. I was torn inside....truly torn and terrified. If I was wrong and maybe only possessed some seed of culinary herb, then what would I surmise to do when all the sprigs of Alconitum were gone. I guess that is when I move to plan B...to become that which I was meant to be. I let out a long deep breath and painted the air with white puffs of life. The temperature was dropping drastically and I knew by the smell of everything around me...it would snow soon. I had to find semi permanant living quarters. Maybe I could find sanctuary as a young woman who loved plants, could cook and maybe I could take care of the children of a small family, perchance... But who was I kidding, I was a monster and this silly fleeting dream of mine to be normal was just a disaster waiting to happen. Within my mind, I saw the seeds of failure and I saw the bodies of those dead children...their blood on my hands.

.....................

I heard the commotion about the cave entrance. I gathered myself, crawling tighter into the crevice that I had slept in the night before. The sounds of crackling dried leaves and twigs grew louder. I sniffed the air and was taken aback by what I inhaled.  I knew this human but I couldn't read his mind, which maddened me. The scent was very familiar, musky yet sweet; it was human pheramone mixed with sweat and something else. I couldn't quite place what I was smelling and I could not yet pick up any other thought patterns to further make the visitor recognizable. My curiosity held me in position. The sound stopped and another louder sound took its place. A frustrated grunt announced the visitor coming closer to my sleeping place. I watched the pinpoint of light that wavered back and forth with the movement of the lone figure. The tunnel was long and narrow but with my animal eyes, I could see the man coming closer. I held my breath.

Within moments, I caught a glimpse of something within his mind. A wolf..a lone wolf standing in the forest glaring at me. Then a glimpse of something else... a child was crying on the forest floor. She wiped the her dirty tear stained face and then called his name.

"Tamas....Tamas..." The vision faded.

I heard his voice call out echoing on the wet walls of the cave. "Roma...Roma, It's me, Tamas!"

I sat there stunned at what I had seen...what I was hearing now. I sat there stunned because that strange and interesting man was invading my sleeping place and he was calling to me. He was casually announceing himself as if we had been good friends all our life. I couldn't run for there was no other way out of this place. This man was brave, very brave and he was coming for me. He was alone and that was at least a small releif. But what did he want. What on earth could posssess a human man to crawl into the lair of the beast, look her in the face and ....tempt to lay his cards before her.

I saw his thoughts and realized that this is what he intended to do. He was gradually and inevitably opening his previously secret thoughts to me by simply mending some connection. That is when the other things came back to me.

We had met before...some life, some time...ago...before the change.