secrets for 1

No matter how hard you try to forgive, it just doesn't work. Sometimes forgiveness comes with barbs and thorns which prick you deeply. Forgiveness, you tell me, is pure and honest; this is what God did for us.
I look toward the overcast sky and remember forgiveness and its gifts.  I never really forgave them nor can I forget what they did to me.
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At times I felt as if I had many friends. We always hung out after work at the diner, went shopping and talked on the phone. Things seemed simple enough as long as the drama was focused on others from outside the small group. The things I had hidden never really matter that much back then because the little skeletons in my closet were still miniature ones that didn't tug on me as they do now. I would sit and listen to them; Jacie, Paula and Tam, and I would feel slightly disjointed. It was as if I was watching a movie about some other misfortunate and I was laughing my ass off. I didn't know then that I might someday be the brunt of their jokes as well.

I cannot remember exactly when the tides turned but they did turn and turn deeply as a cut that never heals. The issues in my life grew rapidly. Some days I could laugh and cover up anything that was bothering me; but some days were dark and hard to cover. The first day that something leaked from my lips was on a Tuesday at Macon's Diner.

"I don't feel so well, you guys."

All three girls stopped in mid sentence and looked at me concerned. All the little nasty gossip dripped from their lips in unfinished story, then dissapated. They truly looked like they gave a shit. Hmmm, that was an interesting moment to say the least.

Jacie spoke first. "Honey, what's wrong?" Because by all accounts, Jacie was the type who really seemed concerned.

I wiggled in my seat and put the straw from my milkshake back between my lips. I pulled the thick chocolate deliciousness into my mouth as I thought of what to say. As I pulled the straw back out, I sucked on my bottom lip.

"I just cannot shake this thing...this thing in my head. I just got so much going on in my head, ya know."

With this tiny bit of info, all three girls pulled their chairs closer to mine and put their chins in their hands....elbows on table too. The looks they gave me could have easily fooled me into thinking that their top priority was to solve my problems. I really believed that at the moment as well.

It started off with me telling them that I was deeply troubled by things on my mind. They picked and prodded until they discovered that my problems revolved around a man whom I was interested. After delving into my life to a certain point, I pulled back and told them that I didn't want to talk about it anymore. This only seemed to irritate them and they growled underneathe their breath and mumbled about things not being any fun if they didn't know. This should have alerted me to the fact that they really didn't care about me but only about my misfortune.

I gathered my things and left them to chit chat about what might possibly be wrong with me.

Deep inside, I knew the ugliness which brewed there. I knew the truth and how humiliating it was. I knew that no matter how much they seemed to care, they were only interested in their own well being and their own reputation. Unfortunately, my feelings were not the issue with them. They were like vultures waiting for something to die so that they could devour it using their sharp talons. I shivered when I thought about what I had almost revealed to them.
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My life reminded me of the characters on movies who decided to show who they really are and then they were ridiculed. I pulled further away from the trio because of my fear of them. It was not a physical fear, it was a strong emotional one.

If they knew what I was hiding, I know they would run to others and tell them just as they told me every little detail of all the other misfortunates. I sat in the library and read some book which I never really read at all. With every new page, the one before it disappeared into my memory. My mind was calculating and brooding as the characters of my book played their story with no real audience. I closed the book finally just as Paula and Jacie entered the room. The loud saccarine voices drew attention as they called for me.

"Laurie! what...are....you doing??" Paula grinned and ran over to hug me.

Jacie pulled out the chair directly across from me and plopped down. "So, how are you feeling?" She smiled and I saw the fires of hell behind her eyes. It was so obvious that she was hungry for gossip and it seems she had been starved for it at the lately.

I looked down at my book and pressed my lips together. "I am fine, Jacie. I am the same as usual...just tired."

Jacie didn't look satisfied, in fact, she looked sort of angry at my lack of juicy morsels of scandal. "Well, you didn't seem all that great yesterday, Laurie. You know you can talk to me."

"I know that, Jacie." I spoke sternly and glanced over at Paula. The timid girl chewed on my pencil and smirked. Appalled, I reached and jerked my saliva covered pencil from between her teeth. She yelped at the momentary pain I caused.

"I am FINE, Jacie."

Jacie glanced at Paula and nodded. She turned to me and her eyes narrowed. "You know what I heard, Laurie?" Jacie scanned my eyes and then continued. "I heard that Donna Taylor was messing around with Janell's boyfriend. Can you believe that????"

Suddenly I felt odd at those words. Of all the times that I had listened to their gossip, I had never felt so evil and betraying as I did at this moment. Those poor people did not want their business strewn all over town. I felt guilty for even being here in the same room with these piranahs. "Jacie, I didn't hear those things at all."  I knew I had heard the gossip but I refused to give into the routine.

Paula leaned forward and looked into my eyes. "What's wrong with you, Laurie, this is just what we need. That bitch, Donna has it coming to her for what she did to Tam."

I leaned back and scanned both their faces. For a moment, I could have sworn I was looking at two dark and fang toothed demons. Their eyes were huge and they almost seemed to drool at the mention of their scandalous endeavors. At that moment, I wondered why i had ever enjoyed such blithering and babbling nonesense. I shook my head and answered.
"Yes, I guess you are right."

Jacie leaned closer to me and stretched out her hand. She motioned for me to hold her hand and smiled sweetly. "So hun, you know we love you. YOu should tell us what is bothering you. Don't worry, we will go and take care of those filthy bastards who are hurting you."

"Yeah Laurie, you should talk to us. We are family." Paula chimed in as she rubbed my shoulder.

I was terrified and still , I told them nothing.