A new beginning

Some things must end for others to begin....I am yet unfinished...but I will be soon.


I think that the magic was inside waiting for the human shell to disentigrate and for the truth to be born in sorrow. I think the disease had come to its heightened fruition and that all has been revealed in terror.

I am returning to them through the gates of the imagination until my mortal shell can realize its destiny to be done.

..........
Lanna waved at him as he got on the bus and she smiled too. Her little boy was growing so fast and all she could do was watch him fly from the nest. His little face beemed as the bus took him far from her again. Would she ever get used to this or was it to remain torture to be alone again...over and over...day after day? Lanna rubbed her temples and turned to go back inside the house. She was with herself again as all the days before since Robert had started kindergarten. Some days she would cry for his father and some days she would smile because he was gone. Lanna was a mess but she tried to make things normal for Robert because she did not desire for him to have the same disease that she had.

The birds sang to Lanna everyday while she drank her coffee and she remembered more. The fire side with her head on his shoulder and his hands in her long red hair. She could smell him and so she inhaled deeply and took a lingering whiff. She opened her eyes and saw the empty yard and she heard the birds again. She had dumped the entire cup of coffee onto her lap and she felt nothing.

........
He hit her again and again and then he put his hands around her throat. She saw his face but she didn't recognize him at all. He was tall and brown and his lips were pursed together so tight. He grimaced as he banged her head against the wall and shouted curse words that began to fade as she began to pass out. She woke to the pain of fists on her body and she heard Robert screaming.

"DAddy...daddy...stop!"

..........
During the day, Lanna did the laundry and washed the walls. Then she scrubbed the base boards again...but this time, even harder. The rest of her day was spent trimming the weeds from around the porch with a pair of sewing scissors. Lanna hated weedeaters and so she did what she could to make her home suitable for Robert. She swept the carpets and washed the dishes in the sink. She hate the sound of vacuums and dishwashers and so she did what she could to make herself happy. Things could be simple and be efficient, she told herself...and then she smiled to herself as well.

When Robert came home, she would have dinner for him and sit and help him with his little worksheets and fill out his paperwork. He smiled at her and hugged her then went to his room to play. Lanna's day ended with a book and a cup of milk to help her settle in for sleep.

At night, Lanna saw him and she would scream. Sleeping was hard for Lanna and so she sometimes resorted to taking sleep aids to help her to forget. Remembering was for Lanna, as a knife was painful to the skin. Lanna hated to remember; she just wanted to sleep and to forget.

...........


One day, while Lanna was outside listening to the birds, a man walked from the woods and starred at her. She didn't move to run inside, nor did she call out to him. She starred back until the man turned and went back into the tree line. Lanna watched the spot in the brush for the man to return; but that day, she saw him no more. It was two days later that Lanna saw the man again; in the same spot, at approximately the same time. This time Lanna waved at the man and the man waved back. Then the man went back into the forest and was seen no more that day. Lanna became curious after that incident and so she walked out across the field and waited at the tree line. She was frightened but she was curious all the same. No one came out to stare at her nor did they wave; the forest was bare but for the wind that rustled the tree tops and the small animals that rushed to and fro through the wooded playground. Lanna felt empty and so she returned home.

The next day, the man walked halfway across the feild and stood there starring at Lanna. When Lanna looked up from her black coffee, she was startled to say the least. She dropped the cup and it shattered on the concrete porch. She stood and brushed her long red hair back over her shoulder. The man just stood there and starred until finally, he turned and walked away. Lanna watched him retreat until he disappeared into the woods. Lanna was frightened then and so she went inside. The next day, Lanna had her coffee at the kitchen table. She felt the hair stand up on her shoulders around 9:00 am and she wondered if that man was standing somewhere near.....starring at her. Lanna closed her eyes until the chill passed and then she was better.

When Robert came home, she hugged him and told him that she loved him. Her tears fell heavy on the top of his little head. Robert just looked up and frowned.

"Mommy, why are you sad?"

But mommy didn't know why she was sad and that was just part of the disease.

The next morning, she waited on him. Lanna wanted to know who he was and why he was always there. If he was a criminal, so be it. Lanna was tired of hiding and sometimes she just wanted to quit. Maybe he was death come for her and maybe he was giving her the opportunity to get her things together and sort out her personal business. But then again, Lanna wasn't sure of anything anymore except the love that she had for her son. It never really occured to lanna that the man could just be a man...because nothing was simply for Lanna. That is why everything she sought after had to have a certain simplicity to balance things out. And this was also the nature of the disease. Lanna felt overwhelmed suddenly and her head began to buzz. Her coffee didn't taste like coffee anymore and so she sit it on the concrete to let it regain its taste. She put her hands over her face and tried to calm herself. Suddenly, the meds were not working anymore and Lanna wanted to scream.

But she looked up and there in the middle of the street stood the man whom had walked from the forest. His hair was dark and he had his hands in his pockets. He looked at her face and then he smiled. She had had enough of this game and so she jumped from the porch swing and walked across the yard. The man never moved as she walked into the street and stood before him. He looked into her eyes and then he smiled.

"Hello darling." The strange man spoke and then he caressed her cheek.

Lanna saw the eyes and how deep and beautiful they were...and of course the color is what struck her as beautiful as well. She couldn't stop starring into his eyes for a moment and all was quiet. Then she bravely spoke to him.

"who are you?"

The man tilted his head back and bellowed in laughter. He seemed to shake from the hilarity that he found in her question.  Then he looked back at her face but he could not stop smiling. Although, he seemed friendly enough; he did not answer her. It was the concensus of the situation that told her that she should know who he was. But lanna asked him again.

"who are you???"

The man sighed and then he took both her shoulders in his hands. His hands were warm and inviting and Lanna could not help but feel aroused. He leaned closer and whispered to her in a soft and soothing voice.

"I am the one you seek....my dear, you know who I am."

But Lanna could not accept the fact that he was someone she had dreamed about. He wasn't real and she had no idea how he had come into being. Lanna couldnt smile, she was growing angry by his lies.

"who are you? why wont you tell me?"

But he didn't tell her anymore. He turned and walked away. He climbed over the fence and back into the field. There he turned to wave then rambled on toward the treeline. When he reached the stand of trees, he brushed aside the saplings and took to the forest again. He was gone and Lanna remained empty.


.........
When Robert's father died, Lanna didn't know how to feel. Robert was only 4 years old, just one year shy of starting school. She had planned everything, how it was going to be for Robert and how his father would be seeking anger management and all was to be well with the family. There was plans to have another baby and there were plans to do other things as well. When Robert's father joined the service and left them; Lanna was against the whole thing. She sent him letters and gifts but one day; the letters didn't come back. When they came to tell her, she was already gone as he was gone. Her dreams had told her that he was dead and so Lanna greived until the uniforms came knocking. Her face must have been strange to them when she answered the door. She gave no emotional outburst nor did she faint. She simply said okay and smiled. Lanna shut the door on those men of honor and she sat back down to ther sewing project. After a while, she called in Robert and told him about daddy. Robert cried and cried while Lanna stroked his little head. Day after day, Robert got used to the way things were and started to talk to his mother about his father. Lanna was still out to sea and so Robert would just hug her and place little kisses on her cheek. There was pain in Lanna's heart but it was old pain held hostage by her husbands old anger. She had no idea how she was supposed to feel and so Lanna packed away all of his things and went on with her life. The disease within her grew and so she increased her medications to take better care of Robert.


.........
The man didn't stay away but Lanna stayed on the porch until he had come to sit beside her. She did not talk to him at all...but he started to talk to her. He would reach over and brush the hair from her face and on the final visit, he placed a kiss on her cheek. Lanna starred into her black coffee and waited for him to take his leave. She started wearing her husband's old watch because she was curious about something. Every day aroudn 9:00 am, the stranger would come to her. Around 9:15, the stranger would take his leave. Lanna knew something was happening that had a significance but she was too heavily medicated to understand.

"Mommy, I saw him!!"

One day Robert was sick and couldn't go to school. He must have been looking through his bedroom window because he started to scream for his mother when the man disappeared around the corner of the house. Lanna ran inside to see why he was screaming and he was crying by his window. She tucked him back into bed and checked his fever to see if it had gone away. He was burning up and so she tucked the covers tighter and went for his fever medicine. After he was well medicated, he fell back off to sleep. Robert whispered for his father because he missed him so. Lanna just walked back outside in a numb catatonic gait. The stranger was gone....Lanna felt sadness for the first time and so she sat on the porch most of the day. A song came to mind and so she hummed with it for her own comfort.


Her dreams attacked her again and she woke in a sweat. She realized that she had contracted Robert's fever. She went ouside and sat on the porch to cool her skin. She looked out toward the feild and saw nothing. The moonlight dappled the trees and all along the grasses. She wished for the stranger to come to her again but Lanna was learning that he would not come to her at night....nor would he come to her at any time of the day but the time that he saw fit. She didn't understand why he didn't come to her when she really needed him.


...........
Robert's father walked into the bedroom with a box in his hand. Lanna sat up in bed and smiled at him. He had been attending his anger classes and he had even stopped drinking. She was proud of him and she had been fixing his favourite meals. She reached out for him and pulled him back down into the bed.

"Hey there handsome man." Lanna cooed and smiled at him.

The man looked at her and he put the little box in Lanna's hand. It was wrapped in silver paper and topped with a camoflauge bow. Lanna laughed and took the box. Her surprise made her cheeks redden.

"what is this, Patrick?" she tilted her head and then waited.

"Just open it, silly."

Lanna opened the present and pulled out a gold chain with a charm danling on the end. The charm was something special to Lanna. It was a golden butterfly with diamonds embedded on the wings. Lanna gasped at its beauty.

"oooh, I love it! But what occasion is this for?"

Patrick smiled and then he took on a serious look. His blue eyes glimmered in the light of the lamp.

"This respresents your freedom....and...a new beginning for us, Lanna."


.................
Lanna rose up in bed; she was sweating again and she knew that the fever was fighting hard with her. Her skin was dry and she just couldn't seem to get her eyes to focus. She jumped from the bed thinking of Robert and his fighte with the fever. She knew that he must be worse. She ran to his room and saw him lying there. He was still and her first thoughts was to turn and go back to bed but something held her there. She looked at Robert and tried to adjust her focus. He looked very pale and he was indeed being very still. Lanna went to his bedside and tried to rouse him. She picked him up and saw that his eyes were open. She called out to him, she shook him a little but she got no response. Lanna tried a few more things and then she called the ambulance. But, it was too late...Robert was already gone.

..........
Lanna had no idea how to live now....living was pointless without them. Her meds were topped off and she walked around like a zombie. She managed and she was so heavily medicated that she could not take her own life. She had no family but the neighbors checked in on her from time to time only to see her hard at work on some sewing project or reading some book. Lanna went back outside to drink her coffee at 9:00 am ...just as before. When the bus would go down the road and refuse to stop at the house, Lanna would run after it for a few feet then turn back wondering what she was supposed to be doing. She took out Robert's clothes and washed them over and over because they should be kept clean. One day, she walked to the treeline and sat there for about an hour. At some point she felt the tear flow down her cheek and she knew that something wasn't right. The disease was spreading again.

At 9:00 am on the next day, she looked up across the feild and saw them...there at the treeline. A man and small child. She knew, they would come...sooner or later. She took another drink of her black coffee and watched them disappear back into the forest. She smiled...for the first time in weeks, she smiled and then held her little butterfly charm tightly in her hand.

"A new beginning...yes."