The truth of Pablo

Every time I feel my darkness growing, I repost this story of Pablo.  There is so much to be learned of Pablo....He is an interesting and painful being of whom I love dearly.




I found myself in the darkest place my heart has ever been. Whether it was of my own doing or from the interractions with other human beings, I had no remedy for this pain. This pain kept going and going with no hope of end. I saw no light at the end of the tunnel and no rope was decending for me to climb onto and escape. I just saw the darkness. It surrounded every corner and every face. The shadows were elongated to the extent that the brightest light still did not illuminate their coutenances. I have no answers for the things that I saw other than the fact that my mind was crippling and missing a very important component to appear normal. I was dying inside and no matter how hard I tried to make things go back to normal, there was always this cloud which hung over the whole of it and reminded me that I, Madris was destined to live in the void of light.

And his name was Pablo.

...and he was a riddle that would change as soon as the answer neared the surface. His transparency was curiously thick and hidden. Could it be that he was as cryptic as I...hidden behind his truths that were lies...or his lies that hid the truth. I may never know.

A strange conversation with Pablo.
"I need you to understand the whole jest of it, Pablo."
"And I am to understand what, exactly?" Pablo paused and I could hear his breathing over the phone lines.
I waited to gather my thoughts before I very carefully laid thing out on the table for him. "I came to you because I needed a friend, I needed someone to talk to. I know there are many people out there for me to talk to but..."
Pablo said nothing, he just sat at the other end of that phone line and he said nothing...as he always did.
"I...I was scared once. I thought that I would go blind and so I rushed to the medic to hopefully save my eye sight. Do you remember this time, Pablo?" I waited, hopeing that he would answer me with an intelligent response.
"I do, I do remember that, Madris." Pablo stopped and said nothing more.
I continued..."I was so scared, Pablo, that I called your number but you did not answer. I left a message for you there in hopes that soon as you got the message, you would be concerned and call me back." I paused and I could hear his breathing change and grow a little more rapid. "Did you get my message, Pablo?"
"Yes, I did."
"I know this seems so petty to you but at this time, I needed to talk to you. It was you who mattered, Pablo." I didn't know how to continue with the conversation because I was entering strange waters that neither of us wanted to enter. In order to finish the conversation, I had to veer a little off course. "I called others too. They all returned my calls and that only made me angry at you."
"But, why did you get angry. I guess I should go." And he went, Pablo, just like he always did when things get too thick for him deal with. Something in our conversations make him want to run and hide...or this is how I see it.
I hung up the phone with more questions than answers racing through my head. I knew what was in my head but I fought it. I wanted to form a friendship that would wash away the other uncomfortable thoughts that I had for Pablo.  I didn't mean to care, oh no, I did not...it just happened. I didn't create these thoughts, they just bloomed there like some poisonous thing that wouldn't die. I feebly tried to kill it...tried to starve it out but it just wouldn't die.
And so I would be alone again. I would walk right past him and stare at the ground in hopes that  I didn't exist to him. I didn't have the courage to look him in the face without failing myself. I wanted to stay tough, I wanted to stay true to myself. And when I got so far away that I felt my strength returning to me, there he was again. He had some question for me that pertained to the most mundane aspects of life. Or, either he wanted to enquire of the weather, some political thing that he missed on the telly. He would just be there, in front of me breaking my defenses one by one and marching back into my life as if he was never gone. The worst part of being in his presence was his lack of empathy for me. He arrived as if he didn't know how horrible I felt and he talked as if I was the happiest thing he had seen all day. Couldn't he see my pain through my eyes. Maybe he did because when I started to stare at him, he would turn away and make some excuse to leave again. But Pablo did not stay away. He came back, day after day until he saw that I was happy again and exuberant in his presence. Then and only then would he crush me once more and leave me to cry for him when he was gone. It was always some irresponsible act, some cold reluctance on his part to fullfill a basic aspect of our friendship.
These knives that cut me often came in the form of forgetting me....A reluctance to return phone calls, messages or even face to face requests. It wasn't once or twice...it was when his ego was stroked so much that he felt he had no reason to be concerned with those who were there to build him up.
He used the ones who loved him to climb higher and feel the rays of the sun. He let us burn away like Icarus' wings when he got so close to that burning sphere and he fell again. But, we caught him. If I was to see myself in trainging, it would be 'Me in the corner with arms folded over my chest saying "no!" which was always symbolic of the statement..."I will not catch him this time. I will not build him up to what he can be!"
But I did...always and the word 'done' was trampled on by my own feet as I praised his existence.
The darkness grew then...for me and maybe for others. The cowardiss he held and protected may have been his reasoning but I am not sure. I say many things in Pablo's eyes. But he knew I was finding them and so he would downcast them and turn to go. There were many things inside this man that beckoned to be learned and studied. Things that some others have never hapt upon. My darkness grew as I strove to see beyond the selfish veneer he used unintenionally to cover his true thoughts and emotions. I would find it...through deep and thick dark forests of the mind. I would find it... through tempting and evasive dreams that haunted my intellect. I would find it...I would find the thing which was Pablo and then...maybe then...could I accept the way things are.