1944
The Berghof
Eva Anna Braun
Dear one,
You will not like what I have to say. I know that even if I am correct, you would never admit to your weaknesses and defeat. I have heard so many rumors and they stiffle me. My heart is sick and I am so alone now.
I want to take the pills, all of them, because I have no hope left. You are always absent of me...playing with your war toys. There is no use calling to you, you shall come to me when you are ready. But I am lonely, rejection sits outside my doorway. OH,silly me, I know that you do not reject me but I have such a hollow space inside when you are gone. For when you are here, it is fleeting and filled with laughter of strange men. There are friends who come to dinner, bringing their ridiculous wives and girlfriends but there is little time for us to speak of the world....in intimacy. Do not misunderstand me, my love...I have my girls which keep me company, they play songs and read poetry to me nightly when they are here...but tis not the same and you know this. I cannot bear it much longer. Oh, how much longer do you have to wage this war...it goes on and on with no end in sight.
Something strange is happening. I know you do not tell me the things of your business..Oh, please forgive me. I know that you do not live as the great Furer, the wolf... when you are with me. I see soldiers...just outside the borders of the shrubbery and you pretend as though they are not even there. I saw the captain speaking to you just outside my bedroom and you pushed him away angrily. You will not come in to me either, You wait outside my chamber for moments then you just retire to the library again. Is there something wrong with me? Things used to be different and you used to come to me. Now, we only entertain or we run off to the Obersalzberg for holiday. I love it there but it is always filled with your plans for Russia or your plans for Britain. I feel trapped in my obsession of my dark and handsome suitor. I know you know what,s best for me and so I wait.
I have been punished. Some strange men have come and taken things from my room and things from the Berghoff. I do not know these men and I do not understand. I did pray...I have been praying for so long now and wishing for a way out of this madness...this lonliness. My mood grows unstable again, my love. I am frightened.
I asked God for a way out of my entrapment, a remedy to my illness and he is just in his answer. I do not understand the severity of what he had in store for me but it was just. Of course I feel numb, lost at the moment and in the moment. Tomorrow will be harder, I am sure. Tomorrow there will be responsibilities to face. I will face them. I wonder how I will face them because they seem so daunting. The thing is, I wanted this...I must have. I was stubborn in the face of God and I knew not how to listen...nor I wouldn't listen. I guess that is more of an acurate statement. But I wanted everything...not just a portion, but all of it and God said no.
I felt invincible and I believe that the lesson learned by this is that I am no more invincible than each moment on the face of the clock. Time will pass and this too shall pass, I said. I know I have heard that before but not sure if it is a biblical statement or something from a song. I attribute statements and quotes to many things which have fallen on my ears from various mediums. But no matter where I have heard the sage words of wisdom; time and circumstance devours them all equally.
So I sit here...fighting sleep and wishing for that time machine again. It is the one that I always wish for when I have gone too far. It's that moment in time that I wish that I could redo. But it will never pass over me again in the same place nor at the same time. It is done. The loss of reason and importance weighs heavily upon me. My heart is heavy, my brain is tired..this only mirrored by my aging body. Now what? I ask myself...because I am lost. The thoughts invade my mind and they are many many thoughts which beg to be filed away properly.
And then I know... It is simple, actually. I move on. And it is in a cliche manner. It speaks to me as the rantings and ravings have done in the previous months and years. It is the same words but in different context. This time those thoughts prepare me to heal...in finality. It is like the awaited death of long suffering. It says...."one step at a time". Because, I am wounded...wounded. I cannot stop seeing your face as you had me sent away. I will not lie, it hurt like knives as you waved your hand at me and asked your little foot soldiers to escort me back to the Berghov. Perhaps, I will never understand your reasonings...doesn't matter, I still love you.
..........
But the wound is open, fresh and throbbing...and it will heal. Together with the servants of time and change. I am not sure of past events over the course of the last 4 days but I have my speculations. As I have said, I heard rumors from the staff. There is something deeper to this maybe, or is it my paranoia which keeps pushing me onward? I feel a great betrayal which has sprung from the inability and the fears of a coward. There are thoughts which keep telling me that I have loved an enemy, that I have lain great boughs of flowers around the neck of a murderer. Ah, so many lyrics from songs come to mind as my mind dwells more and more on the probable. I am in remembrance of a saying that I saw just days ago. It said: "I have given to you, the bullets to the gun which has killed me." And this would bring to mind the touches which have injected the poison which in turn would cause my death.
Oh, but do I simply fantasize about such nonesence or is it ...curiously true. The beast which is tantalizing...has it truly made the coward run for help? The beast which knew not that it was a beast to begin with?
Burned at stake, those who are innocent or simply have fallen mistakenly with only the intent to pursue what was right. The fallen....was not the devil himself once an angel? Was not the wounded and inflicted....then the abandoned in their wounds....werent the abandoned seen as the beast which caused their own demise? An opportunity, I say...to rid thyself of thy downfall...at the cost of another's suffering. Had you not looked within at the demon which raged beyond the rib cage, Had you not swept clean thy own soul....then the root would have been revealed. Tis not my weed that grew; it was thine own. My sun may have shined upon the tangled vines....my rain may have fallen upon thy poison flowers and my earth may have cradled thy roots in a bed of my own making....but my hands did not plant the thing which grew.
This too shall return to you and you will know....and you will reclaim an even darker torment..if what they say is true...if what my heart says is true. Not for the sake of my hatred, for I have none for you nor could I ever have, there is only love...but for the sake of the little ones who could not fight for justice.
My Furer... I love thee. And I will die with you as you would die with me. But what you reap...shall you sow. I have seen the truth and it is ugly... it is dark. My love, your power has engulfed you into waters so unknown and I watch you grow more entrapt in the shadows of your obsessions. I watch your face darken and you have changed. Who are you?
24 pills remaining
......
I will wait until your word and your return. Do not stay away for long or shall leave without you.
Your hidden love,
Eva Anna Braun
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