Sunday, March 31, 2013

secrets for 3

The party started at 8 p.m. at Tam's house. We were all there...the whole crew; including Jacie and her boyfriend, Paula, her brother and Tam's whole side crew. People I didn't even know started to mill into Tam's house after 9 and by 10, the place was packed to overflowing. I didn't really know what the occasion was and maybe there was no occasion at all. I just know that the girls wouldn't stop carrying on and on about how much fun I would have if I let my hair down and forget about my problems. This was exactly what I planned to do when i got there. I did have reservations at first considering how much my friends pried into my life but thing is...I needed to do something other than obsess over Donnie for a change...and so I joined the throng.
But Donnie was there much for that.

Things were dark in my head and so I stayed off to myself most of the time. I sat in the corner watching Paula flirt with two of the guys on the football team. Her giggling and playful looks were cute but oddly irritating to me for some reason. She smiled over at me a couple times and then went back to her incessant flirting. Tam was curiously absent from the room most of the time and Jacie sat in the opposite corner talking to two guys while groping her boyfriend. I wondered why I was even a part of the group; at this moment I felt so detached.

"Hey party pooper, what are you doing sitting there nursing that weak ass drink? " Tam wrapped her arms around me and kissed my cheek. I turned to see her flushed face grinning at me.

"Oh hey, Tam...what's up?" I turned and pulled her arm tighter around me. I looked into her eyes and noticed that they were even darker than they used to be. She was drunk. Her pupils were so widely dilated that I questioned to myself whether or not Tam had been dabbling in something other than the drink.

Tam walked around my chair and squatted down in front of me. "Hey, I bought this new drink the other day and no one will try it. I think they are scared of such a strong concoction...hehe"

"Oh...pfft, can't be that strong." I smirked at the whole idea that anyone in high school would be afraid of any ole drink. I looked toward the kitchen and saw Donnie leaning on the counter. I instantly wondered what he was up to.

Tam looked toward the kitchen then back to me. She frowned and crinkled her forhead. "come on...I think Donnie gonna taste  it. I am trying to get him to try it but he keeps saying "I dunno..." Tam stood and pulled at me.

I stood from my chair and followed her into the kitchen. When I got to the counter, I noticed that there were four other poeple in the room. Donnie's girlfriend Lexie was leaning on Donnie while three girls from the Beta club huddled together by the microwave. The girls by the microwave, that I really didn't know that well, looked my way and then giggled. I gave them a go-to-hell look and then leaned against the opposite wall...I watched the scene before me with wary eyes. Tam was busy pulling at the top of a bottle on the other side of the giggling Beta girls. I just took it all in wondering what tonight would bring.

Donnie turned to look at me and he smiled. A warm fuzzy feeling moved from my legs up toward my mid section I smiled back and then bit my lip. " think you can drink that shit that Tam bought, huh? I tried it a minute ago and it burned my damn nose hairs out."

I laughed and waved a hand at Donnie. Tam turned and handed me a glass of her new concoction. "Drink up, sweetie."
Jacie's face wavered in front of me. I closed my eyes tightly then tried to refocus on her moving face. Her red hair looked like little worms wiggling to get free form her head.

"Laurie...are you okay?" Jacie rubbed my face and pushed the hair form my forehead. I felt the heat from her hand and it felt wonderful. I pushed my face against her hand and moaned slightly. Jacie smiled at me and then spoke again. "Hey, does that feel good?"

I opened my eyes wider and tried to focus on her face again. Hands continued to brush my hair from my face and it felt wonderful. I was euphoric with stimulus. "I love that....that feels so good." I reached up and touched a warm hand and it felt very strong. I saw a face again but it was not Jacie's was a man's face.

I sat up and reached for the face before me. It was Donnie and he was brushing the hair from my face.
"Donnie..." I smiled at the recognition and reached out again.

Donnie kissed my nose then pulled me closer to him. He hugged me tighter to him then
whispered in my ear. "Hey, you are such a mess. Can I take you home?"

"yes...oh yes..Donnie, take me home" I whispered softly  "I love you, Donnie."


"What is she saying?"

 Tam leaned against Jacie's shoulder and spoke. The whole room gathered around the couch and starred at Laurie, watching her writhe and wiggle drunkenly as she lay intoxicated. Laurie wouldn't quite drinking because Tam kept calling her a coward. Laurie wouldn't quit drinking because Donnie and Lexie were watching and most of all, Laurie wouldn't quit drinking because she had trouble not thinking about her problems and she wanted them to disappear.

Laurie should have stopped drinking.

Jacie looked at Tam and her eyes got wide. "She is flirting with me, Tam. She just called me baby and told me that my hand felt good on her skin." Jacie laughed and leaned on Tams arm. Tam laughed as well.

"So, that is her secret, she is in love with you, Jacie." Tam looked around proud of her little joke.
Jacie leaned closer to laurie and got quite. "Wait a minute...she is talking again."

Laurie rose up swaying and swerving this way and that. She grabbed a hold of the back of the couch and looked around. She smiled and spoke again. "" Laurie rubbed her mouth and then bit her lip drunkenly.

Jacie took both Laurie's arms in her hands and tried to get the drunk girl to focus on something. In moments, Laurie was focusing on Jacie's face. She reached and rubbed Jacie's face then smiled. Laurie lost it then.

" that you?"

Donnie turned back toward the group surrounding Laurie and listened. Lexie pulled Donnie's collar and looked him in the face. "Did that girl just say your name, Donnie?"

"Laurie, this is you want me to take you home?" The red haired girl held Laurie still and waited for her answer.
Tam frowned and grabbed Jacie's arm. "No, let her speak. I think she has much to say."
Laurie reached into the air and caressed an invisible face. Her lips moved as if she was kissing someone. Laurie moaned and leaned forward. "Oh Donnie...."

Donnie walked closer to the group and parted Tam and Jacie. He looked down at Laurie and started to laugh. "This is Donnie, Laurie...what are you carrying on about.

"Yes, Donnie...please take me home...I love you, Donnie."

Lexie pushed through the crowd and she and Donnie began to argue. Tam gave Laurie a mean look and walked away. Jacie just sat and watched Laurie molest the invisible man.

Laurie cried out for Donnie for an hour or so more before she passed out on the couch...alone.

They all knew...every last one of them knew how I felt about Donnie. They looked at me now as if I was diseased or something. When I tried to call Jacie, her phone rang and rang. The same thing happened when trying to contact Tam. In the hallways, ditsy Paula would walk right past me chomping her gum like an idiot. To be honest, there wasn't much difference there.

I found myself alone...alone in class, after school and after work as well. Donnie wouldn't even look at me and Lexie gave me dirty looks in the hallway. My head knew why things were as they were but my heart was dying with ignorance. No matter how much I explained it to myself, a part of me just couldn't understand why things had happened the way they did. I remembered the dream with Donnie and the girls and then it came back to me full force. Every night, Donnie laughed at me and every night the girls would hold me down and scream at me. I would wake sweating and would crawl into a corner of my room. There I would weep until my eyes grew tired and closed. I would wake the next morning and feel like crawling into a deeper place and not showing my face. Going to school was the hardest thing I had to do. when I arrived, all eyes were on me just long enough to make me feel uncomfortable then I was ignored to twist the knife even further.

Someone began to write on my notebook while I was in the bathroom. When I would return to class, the words "I love Donnie" were written on my notebook and several students that I didn't even know were giggling at me. I just sat there and scribbled out the words as my teacher droned on and on about something...I didn't pay attention...I couldn't pay attention. I was drowning in my fuck ups.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

secrets for 2

Kissing Donnie was magical. I never wanted it to end. Here, so far away from the girls, I felt like I was in control again.

"Donnie, I really missed you." I smiled and caressed his face.

But Donnie wasn't really here and I was daydreaming again. I sat back down on the floor and realized that I was crying. I did miss Donnie but did Donnie miss me? I knew at this point, I was pathetic. I rolled onto the floor and moved into fetal position. I was totally and completely obsessed with the notion of loving Donnie Fendleburg. I had, In fact, been obsessed with him for 6 months now and I still did not know whether he knew. He would smile at me and talk to me about school but he never really gave me any definitive clues as to his returned my affections. I thought about him every night before bed, I thought about him when I woke in the morning and I even thought about him while flipping burgers at my job at Macon's diner. Thing is, for all the times I thought about Donnie...he probably never thought about me. It seems that my unrequited love would have been enough for me to forget about Donnie and move on but it wasn't. I don't know why, but I couldn't shake him from my mind; he was simply beautiful to me.

Yesterday I rehearsed it I would tell Donnie how I felt. Yesterday, I failed again. When he walked passed me in the hallway, I just smiled and waved at him shyly. When he waved back, I melted and was instantly happy for the rest of the day. I was a mess and this is why I couldn't tell the trio of my issues. Donnie had a girlfriend named Lexie and that is another reason why I couldn't tell the girls about my problems...especially since Tam and Lexie were childhood best friends. I was stuck, fixed and hopeless in the situation that I had created for myself.


"So, this is the thing...we will invite Laurie to the party and when she gets drunk...she will tell everything." Tam smiled mischeviously and shoved playfully at Paula.

Jacie frowned "I don't know, Tam...Laurie is not that dumb, you know."

"I am not saying that she is dumb at all. I just think that the only way we can help her is if we know "how" to help her." Tam smiled and tilted her head. "You see..."

The three girls sipped their cokes and watched Laurie work the tables. Everytime Laurie looked their way, they would smile at her and giggle. When Laurie looked away, the team plotted their plan and hatched their diabolical schemes. Because, after was for the best.

The three girls started watching Laurie in the hallways about a week after they were deinied their juicy gossip. Every guy that Laurie spoke to, the girls would discuss.

"So, do you think it's Robert?" Jacie asked Tam as she held the unside down novel, "Wuthering Heights" in her hand.

Tam twisted her lip to the side and looked toward the ceiling. She tapped her stubby fingers on the table and sucked air in through her tight lips. "I dunno...I really think that Robert is just a friend to her. I mean, he is such a nerd. I don't think Robert is right for Laurie." Tam looked over at Paula and nudged her.

Paula dropped her copy of "Vogue" and looked confused. "Huh?"

Tam  inhaled deeply and gave Paula a long look of disaproval. "So you mean all this time you have been reading that stupid magazine? Are you even listening to us at all, Paula.

"Sure Tam, I heard you guys." Paula's eyes grew large.

"Okay smartass, what were we talking about?" Tam rubbed her fist in her other hand and gave Paula a mean look.

Paula leaned back smiled. "You guys were talking about laurie's secret guy." the ditsy girl seemed pleased with herself.

Both Jacie and Tam dropped their heads into their hands and grumbled.

"What?!" exclaimed Paula who kept smacking her watermelon gum in delight.

Laurie awoke to her empty room and was sweating badly. She had dreamed of Donnie again. But this time, they were not alone. In her dream, Jacie, Paula and Tam were holding her down and screaming while Donnie laughed at them from the background.

secrets for 1

No matter how hard you try to forgive, it just doesn't work. Sometimes forgiveness comes with barbs and thorns which prick you deeply. Forgiveness, you tell me, is pure and honest; this is what God did for us.
I look toward the overcast sky and remember forgiveness and its gifts.  I never really forgave them nor can I forget what they did to me.
At times I felt as if I had many friends. We always hung out after work at the diner, went shopping and talked on the phone. Things seemed simple enough as long as the drama was focused on others from outside the small group. The things I had hidden never really matter that much back then because the little skeletons in my closet were still miniature ones that didn't tug on me as they do now. I would sit and listen to them; Jacie, Paula and Tam, and I would feel slightly disjointed. It was as if I was watching a movie about some other misfortunate and I was laughing my ass off. I didn't know then that I might someday be the brunt of their jokes as well.

I cannot remember exactly when the tides turned but they did turn and turn deeply as a cut that never heals. The issues in my life grew rapidly. Some days I could laugh and cover up anything that was bothering me; but some days were dark and hard to cover. The first day that something leaked from my lips was on a Tuesday at Macon's Diner.

"I don't feel so well, you guys."

All three girls stopped in mid sentence and looked at me concerned. All the little nasty gossip dripped from their lips in unfinished story, then dissapated. They truly looked like they gave a shit. Hmmm, that was an interesting moment to say the least.

Jacie spoke first. "Honey, what's wrong?" Because by all accounts, Jacie was the type who really seemed concerned.

I wiggled in my seat and put the straw from my milkshake back between my lips. I pulled the thick chocolate deliciousness into my mouth as I thought of what to say. As I pulled the straw back out, I sucked on my bottom lip.

"I just cannot shake this thing...this thing in my head. I just got so much going on in my head, ya know."

With this tiny bit of info, all three girls pulled their chairs closer to mine and put their chins in their hands....elbows on table too. The looks they gave me could have easily fooled me into thinking that their top priority was to solve my problems. I really believed that at the moment as well.

It started off with me telling them that I was deeply troubled by things on my mind. They picked and prodded until they discovered that my problems revolved around a man whom I was interested. After delving into my life to a certain point, I pulled back and told them that I didn't want to talk about it anymore. This only seemed to irritate them and they growled underneathe their breath and mumbled about things not being any fun if they didn't know. This should have alerted me to the fact that they really didn't care about me but only about my misfortune.

I gathered my things and left them to chit chat about what might possibly be wrong with me.

Deep inside, I knew the ugliness which brewed there. I knew the truth and how humiliating it was. I knew that no matter how much they seemed to care, they were only interested in their own well being and their own reputation. Unfortunately, my feelings were not the issue with them. They were like vultures waiting for something to die so that they could devour it using their sharp talons. I shivered when I thought about what I had almost revealed to them.
My life reminded me of the characters on movies who decided to show who they really are and then they were ridiculed. I pulled further away from the trio because of my fear of them. It was not a physical fear, it was a strong emotional one.

If they knew what I was hiding, I know they would run to others and tell them just as they told me every little detail of all the other misfortunates. I sat in the library and read some book which I never really read at all. With every new page, the one before it disappeared into my memory. My mind was calculating and brooding as the characters of my book played their story with no real audience. I closed the book finally just as Paula and Jacie entered the room. The loud saccarine voices drew attention as they called for me.

"Laurie! doing??" Paula grinned and ran over to hug me.

Jacie pulled out the chair directly across from me and plopped down. "So, how are you feeling?" She smiled and I saw the fires of hell behind her eyes. It was so obvious that she was hungry for gossip and it seems she had been starved for it at the lately.

I looked down at my book and pressed my lips together. "I am fine, Jacie. I am the same as usual...just tired."

Jacie didn't look satisfied, in fact, she looked sort of angry at my lack of juicy morsels of scandal. "Well, you didn't seem all that great yesterday, Laurie. You know you can talk to me."

"I know that, Jacie." I spoke sternly and glanced over at Paula. The timid girl chewed on my pencil and smirked. Appalled, I reached and jerked my saliva covered pencil from between her teeth. She yelped at the momentary pain I caused.

"I am FINE, Jacie."

Jacie glanced at Paula and nodded. She turned to me and her eyes narrowed. "You know what I heard, Laurie?" Jacie scanned my eyes and then continued. "I heard that Donna Taylor was messing around with Janell's boyfriend. Can you believe that????"

Suddenly I felt odd at those words. Of all the times that I had listened to their gossip, I had never felt so evil and betraying as I did at this moment. Those poor people did not want their business strewn all over town. I felt guilty for even being here in the same room with these piranahs. "Jacie, I didn't hear those things at all."  I knew I had heard the gossip but I refused to give into the routine.

Paula leaned forward and looked into my eyes. "What's wrong with you, Laurie, this is just what we need. That bitch, Donna has it coming to her for what she did to Tam."

I leaned back and scanned both their faces. For a moment, I could have sworn I was looking at two dark and fang toothed demons. Their eyes were huge and they almost seemed to drool at the mention of their scandalous endeavors. At that moment, I wondered why i had ever enjoyed such blithering and babbling nonesense. I shook my head and answered.
"Yes, I guess you are right."

Jacie leaned closer to me and stretched out her hand. She motioned for me to hold her hand and smiled sweetly. "So hun, you know we love you. YOu should tell us what is bothering you. Don't worry, we will go and take care of those filthy bastards who are hurting you."

"Yeah Laurie, you should talk to us. We are family." Paula chimed in as she rubbed my shoulder.

I was terrified and still , I told them nothing.

Friday, March 29, 2013



Driving is therapuetic. I have learned from various quiet times and solitude within my car, that driving will give you time to think and rethink your actions. The things you have done will haunt you while the things you never did will keep you contemplating for hours. There are rainy days when driving will have you hynotised and easily distracted but still leave you with the instincts to keep your eye on the road. Then sunny days are easy driving but with an urge to be outside feeling the sun naturally. sometimes, I really miss the sun. This car can be like a prison.

  Then driving can drive you insane. The times when you cry continuously from mile to mile about the thing you couldn’t stop. The memories come rushing in because of one stupid song you heard on the radio. The song that played the moment your relationship ended or the song that was playing the night your mother passed away. These times driving, you think might just veer over into the other lane and get it over with. But you don’t…and why, there are no simple reasons.

I was a lovestruck pheonix. I rose from the ashes of one relationship to fall into another. Whether it was healthy or not, didn’t really concern me at the time. I had morals, ones which didn’t allow me to compromise with society's peer pressures. But yet, Some  call me fickle but I call it complicated just not satisfied with being alone. Yes,I can be alone at times and really enjoy the fact that I am, but love is just so desirable and wanted.

I wasn’t on the rebound at all. There was a space of a year between the dead love and the living one-the new conquest, I would always say. I wasn’t looking for love at all. It was serendipity. I had devoted my time to a job that kept me occupied. I was a traveling salesman, selling insurance to various businesses for commission. It was just a job but it was something to keep my mind off my broken heart. As I traveled from place to place, I ventured upon the idea that I would try to find myself. I wanted to learn to love me instead of loving everyone else around me.

That is when I met her. She was pale and small and didn’t say much at first. But, it was the eyes, they were dark and deep and I saw something there that I couldn’t explain. she was working at a diner as a waitress, not making very much money but neither was I. We would talk for long periods of time about how our jobs were less than what we had expected out of life and about tids and bits of everything else in life. It took several weeks of frequenting the diner before she even said hello to me, but when she warmed up, she never shut up. It was a beautiful banter, babbling sweet glossy lips made me feel all fluttery like a damn girl. Her hair was golden blonde and she had freckles sprinkled just across her nose. She was adorable, pale and very animated. But more than any other gorgeous feature she held, the eyes held me tighter. They gripped me there for way too long and even once, I was late for a meeting. Her name was Minerva and eventually she agreed to keep me company one night.

Just so happens, we managed to get some time together. She had requested a night off and agreed to take a ride with me . She insisted that I pick her up at the diner around 7 at night and that I must have her back, at least by the dawn. Her boss had pressed her about her schedule and told her she had to work the morning shift to cover her time off. She wasn’t too happy about it and she babbled on about how pissed she was. I just smiled at her from the driver’s seat until she smiled back at me. She warmed up quickly and before we had gone 30 miles, she was pressed against my shoulder caressing my thigh. I couldn’t believe the feelings that had welled up so suddenly. Was it possible for someone to fall in love so suddenly?

“Ok…ok…” I pulled my hand free and took the next dirt road to my right. I had no idea where this would lead us, but I really didn’t care.”I wanted her too.”
Driving and love making doesn’t mix so well. I grew hard beneath her roving fingers and my speaking grew stuttery. She teased me incessently. Saying I was such a nerd. I giggled like a girl and swerved into the other lane.
“M..M…Minerva, I can’t drive like this.” I said, casting a quick look at her peering lucious eyes. She just smiled
“Shhh.. what’s wrong. Can’t you handle it?” Minerva purred and tugged at my trousers.

“Listen, we should find a place to, you know, get comfortable. I can’t drive like this.” I looked desperately for some place to pull over. There hadn’t been any signs of rest stops or hotels for miles and I knew this stretch very well. There was nothing and would be nothing for awhile . I knew this was going to end up roadside. I looked for dirt roads, old buildings or anything I could find. All I could see was flat delta and fields. They flashed on either side of us creating a blurred brown ocean of earth. Minerva started to undo her blouse wiggling in her seat.

“Come on Stew, I want you.” Minerva pouted and flashed her beautiful dark eyes at me.  I melted.
The scenery abruptly changed with more trees flying by on either side of the car. I felt a little relief by the option of possible cover. I drove on, looking for the best option for our little adventure. We passed several run down houses and junkyards and Minerva removed her bra. Her beautiful full breasts bounced out and pressed against my arm. she grabbed one of my hands from the steering wheel and shoved it under her skirt. When my finger slide effortlessly inside her, I could take no more.
Minerva stood up on her knees and shoved her tongue in my ear. I pulled off the dirt road into a drive. I almost ran into a fence that was on her side of the car. I paid no attention to where we were. I put the car in park and took off my jacket.
Minerva started to pull my clothes free with one hand as she tugged down her skirt. “Stewie, do you love me?”

The words caught me off guard but I responded. “yes.”

Her face lighted up and I stared into her deep dark eyes. she licked her lips and kissed me passionately.

“Stewie, would you do anything for me?” Minerva spoke in gasps between kisses.

I furrowed my brow and wondered where this was going. I pulled her back and off of my mouth. I stared at her in question. “Where are you going with this?”

She looked truly hurt by my question and turned away. I saw her lips moving but couldn’t hear her words. “Stew, I am dying. I need your help.” She returned her gaze to mine and I saw tears welling up about to tip over the edge.

“Minerva, what’s wrong, why didn’t you tell me this? How can I help you, I am just a lowly salesman?” I grabbed her shoulders and turned her to face me squarly.

“I know a lot about you, Stewie. I know you have loved many times but I know something else as well.” She swallowed hard and bit her lip. “I know you have truly never been with another. You are rare, so rare in so many ways.” she exhaled and continued. “I think you truly love me, Stewie. You was going to lose your virginity to me, tonight.”

I released her and put my head in my hand. It was all too much. She had no way of knowing any of this about me. I stepped from the car and stood against the door, ignoring her. I was angry. She must have been talking to someone, somewhere but I had no clue how she could have found the information out. I was humiliated. I was a 28 year old virgin, how much more humiliating could anything else be. I heard the other door slam and looked around. Minerva stood on the other side of the car and leaned against the roof. She was paler than usual but her eyes sparkled with the tears she never shed.
Stewie, I love you too. I need you, Stewie.” Minerva pleaded.

It was the first time I noticed where we were. A gated cemetary introduced itself with its glowing white tombstones. Minerva’s golden hair blended with the pale stones. She waited for my next reaction.
I turned to face her and spoke. “How did you know all that, Minerva?”

She walked around the car and took my hand. I let her stand close to me, it seemed her spell was working again.

“Stew, I know many things, I am very different than most girls.” She smiled sweetly and giggled. Her naked breasts shone in the moonlight and made me feel really nice again.

“You wouldn’t believe anything I told you, Stewie, so why bother explaining.” She spoke and pulled my head down to hers. She was very petite but very strong. As her moist lips met my ear, she spoke.
“Just promise me that whatever happens, you will love me.” Minerva exhaled softly and spoke again.
 “I need this…I need you…you are special, like a cure for my sickness. I have looked for so very long and I am so tired, stewie.”

  I felt her lips touch my neck and that is the last sensation I felt until now.

I am driving, alone and without real reason.  Songs play, tears fall but I feel empty. I haven’t kept any appointments in days and I can’t think clearly. I remember a beautiful girl, one I loved. But she is gone now. I only remember how much I love her and that I saved her from death. I am dirty, covered in earth, blood and I have money in my pockets. I don’t know what this means. I look to the gauges and realize something is odd about them. The car has been slowing down and speeding up and I don’t know what’s wrong with it.

Now the car is slowing down again. I keep pushing my foot down and it won’t speed up. I look toward the horizon and frown. She told me things but I can’t seem to remember that either.
So many colors in the sky. The sun is rising. I remember, I miss the sun so badly.

Monday, March 25, 2013

This is the end, little sister.

You were my best friend. Through childhood and throughout adulthood until they took you. I really never knew the whole story about what happened. Nathan and I researched the area; all the folklore and legends. Many times, we watched you as you roamed the city streets. Of course, I am sure you knew we followed and I still do not know why you did not take him. I just assume you would not kill me because somewhere in that cold dead still loved me. There were mysteries about you that were in keeping with all the mysteries about you when you were little...little sister.

I still remember when you got pregnant in high school and decided to get an abortion. I never told our parents about that incident because I trusted your judgement. You intellect had been so inspiring and interesting. You empathy meter ran quite low at times but I always coughed it up to be because you were abused as a child. I couldn't stand to see you hurt and yet you brushed it away as being silly in my part.

I even recall the time you went into a rage at the funeral home when cousins would take pictures of the dead. You thought it was disrespectful of the dead while they were sleeping. I tried to hide my laughter as you went head to head with our aunt on the subject of funeral home paparazzis. It was just simply hilarious. Afterwards, we would talk about the whole thing and you would fume silently while our parents scolded you.
I sit here recalling all these things about you when I really don't care. I have to keep telling myself that I hate you. After all that you took from me over the years, I have to hate you. I sit here until day turns night and I hear the scratching at my back door....just as every night before it. I sit here at the kitchen table drinking a cup of coffee and then I see your pale face peer around the corner and your dead nails begin to scratch at the screen. When you see me sitting here, you smile and breath harder...almost panting.

"Brother...You're here." you smile bigger.

I take a sip of my coffee then decide to speak to you tonight. Why not, I am so very tired of this ...this thing we have become. I must now, I am a monster as well. My thoughts have become so monstrous and hideous that I claim the family right to be a part of the monstrosity.

I speak softly. "yes, little sister...I am here."

Your breathing grows rapid and you scratch harder at the door. "Pp...Please, will...will you let me in. I only want to talk to you."

I laughed and put my hand over my mouth. The tears well up and threaten to overtake me. My heart is breaking as I pull the little gold chain from my pocket and hold it in front of the light. The tiny cross twinkles in the light above me.

"Talk...say what you want, Carmen. There is no need to let you in." I speak frankly and glance at her quickly.

I cannot look long at her coutanence. She is undead and the undead have gift of seduction. No matter how dirty from the grave they seem, they can charm the living to follow them to any lengths. I turn away quicly for my own soul and as I said before, I will not join her in death.

She grows angry as she always does and turns her head up toward the sky. She howls and gnashes her teeth, digging her sharp canines into her lower lip.

"You are my brother, how can you forsake me? We were together through everythihng...please...I need you. I have nothing one." She cried red tears down her sullen face...her dead dead face...her evil coniving and horrible face. She cried for the same reason that she always cried...she cried for vengeance.

I drink the remainder of my coffee and stand. With heavy feet, I walk toward the screen door and look at her. I feel myself growing toward her, pulling toward her and being drawn into what ever she wants. Then, for some reason, I show her the cross. She cringes and hide her face from me. A volley of curse word erupt from her cold lips and she curls her purtid fingers over her eyes.

"please....please...don't hurt me. Don't hurt me anymore. I love you!" Her words are as unbelievably human as my actions for the last several years. For years, she never left the city in hopes that she could bring me over to her side. Or maybe she didn't leave for other reasons. I may never know because I had made my decision on this night.

I stepped back and shut the larger wooden door and left her to scream.

High noon at Williamson's Memorial Cemetary

I couldn't bear it anymore and that is why I had to do what I didn't want to do for so long. I had to come to you, uninhibited.

I rolled up my jacket and placed it beneathe my head. I would sleep here until nightfall.
Many times, I had witnessed you coming from this tomb. I will wait here until you return, walking ghostlike through this doorway. I will be here for doors, no crosses. There will be no boundaries between you and I.

Here, I will see what lies before me. Should it be my death or yours....
little sister?

little sister 3

Give me a reason not to kill you, Carmen.

 I wake every morning and realize that you are falling asleep in some cold dark tomb somewhere in the city. YOu will not leave and I wish that you would. I wish that you would leave and take our memory with you. I need no explainations from you, I need no excuses and I will not join you in death.

The day that our parents died and you didn't shed a tear, the time when our aunt lay gasping in that hospital bed and all I could think about was where in hell were you...and for fuck's sake, Carmen, you killed every pet I had when you came to my door begging to be let in...whining and fake crying as you smeared animal blood all over my door.

Give me a reason not to kill you, Carmen.
You always wanted to tag along when me and the guys went bike riding or fishing. I saw the look in your eyes when we started to leave without you. Mother tried to tell you that little girls should play with their dolls or help to clean the house but you hated that sort of thing. I would see you reading some thick book like "The Lord of the Rings" or "Roots" and you would drop it and run toward me. You knew I was leaving for fun and you wanted to go. Even though my friends beat you up, you still couldn't get enough of tagging along.

"I think I should have been something else." she spoke as we all pushed our bikes down the street.

Gary, one of my buddies would look back at her and frown. "What the hell are you talking about, squirt?"

Carmen laughed and blew air out from between her lips. "I mean...I should have been a boy, maybe or an animal."

My friends would just laugh and change the subject. Sometimes when you talked like this, they winked at you and you winked back. Even though they knew you were just a "squirt"...they were oddly disturbed by your words. Sometimes, they would sneak out to have fun without me knowing...until I saw them pushing their bikes down the alleyway. Carmen, you would come up behind me and ask me why they were going without us. I would always lie to you and say...

"The just don't like me, Carmen...I am pretty lame."
Kandice was wonderful. I think she was the most beautiful woman that I had ever met. Who am I kidding, she was just Kandice, but damn, she had a hold on me. She was only the third girlfriend that I had ever had but she seemed to complete me. I was so excited and happy about my relationship that I decided to let you meet her.

Carmen, you met Kandice only once. Then you disappeared. Shortly after you disappeared, Kandice disappeared as well. You know what you did and you know the toll it took on me, little sister. I had no idea where either of you went. I was lost and I couldn't even concentrate on work. Carmen, I lost my job. Many weeks after I lost both of you, my job and my sanity;  you left a message at my back door. Wrapped in a bloody peice of paper, was the little gold chain I had given you for Christmas and a locket that I had given Kandice. The letter was written very badly but basically it said:


I killedd ur Kandicce girl. I sorry.
know I dead too

And this is one of the reasons why I hated you. give me a reason not to kill you.

little sister 2

"What is death?"

I looked at you and was surprised by  your  curiosity at such a young age. You tapped little fingers on your thighs and waited for me to answer.

"Do you hear me, bubba...what is death?"

I gathered a make shift thought and threw it out at you dismissively. "Oh, death is just when we stop know, like a broken thing."

You frowned, as you always did, because you never really liked the answers I gave you and you sure didn't like this one either.

"But I thought death was a metamorphosis. I think we change into something....more." Your little black eyes grew large and you smiled with contentment. Oh, how you seemed so pleased with yourself and the fact that you had stolen some 'big word' from television again. I laughed and beckoned you to join me in watching another horror movie.
Carmen was good company. when things were less than perfect and parents were less than Stepford material, Carmen was still Carmen. She loved to ask questions about things that were less than desirable. She never asked about the flowers or the rain...Carmen wanted to know how embalming worked. She wanted to know how Dracula digested his meals and she wanted to talk to the things that I didn't see that she saw lurking in the corners of my room. I couldn't help but be strangely enamored by my sister. She just wasn't normal and that was okay for me. It was fresh and added something more to the mundane life we both lived with our overbearing parents.
 When you came out of your room with Uncle Ted...over and over and over again...I also didn't think much about that. After all, you were so smart that I believed  you to be teaching him a thing or two about that crazy childhood intellect you had. I always laughed when he opened your door and stepped out smiling. I never noticed then how much more pale you were and how your hair was disheveled. There were so many things that went unnoticed about you because when you spoke...the other things paled in comparison, as well.

 I didn't notice these things about  you until it was too late and you had tried to kill uncle Ted. I would ask you what was wrong and you would say nothing...that you felt fine. I wasn't old enough to know that fine was never just fine with the female species and so I never pushed it.

 The day came when you just stood in the rain with blood covering your hands and your little dress. I saw you when the school bus came up the hill; I think the others saw you too because some of the kids stood and starred out the window. When I got off the bus, you ran and sobbed loudly in my arms. I ignored the yelling bus driver and the screaming from within the house. We ran to my hiding place a couple streets down and we just sat there and waited.

 I cannot say that I blame you for  that hurting that filthy bastard. Too bad he didn't die on the way to the hospital. It was quite a while before they found us. You had fallen asleep when father found us and discovered my hiding place in the alley.
Years and years later, when Carmen would grow up...she would frequent that alleyway and just stand there looking lost and forlorn. She remembered the past sometimes and it turned her into a stir crazy wounded beast.

Carmen fixed things she fixed Uncle Ted's problem. They all hated Carmen for that. I could see it in their eyes, the astonishment and the horror. But...I didn't hate Carmen for that. She was destined to be hated by me at a much older age. I had no way to escape my impending hatred for her. But for that time being, I grieved for her innocence. I grieved and grieved until she said to stop....and she did..

"Stop this, you look at me funny and I hate it." Then she would weep and run from my room.
"You know, you have to take care of it, Malcolm." Nathan spoke very close to my ear as I looked out upon the park from our higher vantage point.

 Nathan and I shared an apartment while working at the Insurance Company. He and I had many things in common including Horror movies and researching the paranormal. An experience in Nathan's younger life had brought an understanding between us when he found out about you. I never meant to tell him about you, just happened in a drunken stupor.

I looked at him for a moment then kept scanning the trees for any telltale signs of disturbance. I had been up all night watching for you. "I...I can't do that, Nate."

Nathan slammed a book down upon the table and flipped through the first pages. He stopped at a page with a picture of some winged creature. "Do you see this?" He pointed at the creature then looked up at me. "This is all she will ever be. YOu cannot change her you understand?"
I starred into his eyes and frowned. "You do not understand, my friend."

Nathan picked up the book and flung it into the wall. He was suddenly furious. "I cannot deal with you. You are pathetic, Malcolm! Those things killed my family! They made Carmen the way she is and you are a quivering mass of yellow cowardiss. I am done with you!"

I was still sitting in the same spot hours after Nate had left. I was still starring out the window at the city park below me. It was an hour later before I saw you...feeding in a tree top. I still couldn't stop watching. I couldn't turn away...I couldn't walk away. I couldn't kill you either.

And the worst thing I had to face in my soul was the fact that I wouldn't help you.

Little sister

The last time I saw you, you were slipping through the rubbage in that back alley behind O'hallahans. I knew it was you because I saw your face before you darted away. The light of the moon along with the street lights highlighted your sunken cheeks and palid skin...I caught a glimpse then you were gone.
 You were born seven years after me. I remember that it was in the late fall and most of the leaves had turned-some had fallen away. I know that I was bored and waiting for momma to come back home with you, making everything go back to normal. Our aunt was there with me and she read some of my books hoping to get me to go to sleep. I couldn't sleep though because I was excited to see my new baby sister. I have to admit that I was a little jealous and really wanted to see what all the fuss was about. I was a kid and there is really no good answer for how I felt at that time. Besides, it is kind of hard to remember. I do remember that I wanted to call you "Pinto Bean" but mother said that was not a very nice name to give you. They all decided to call you Carmen and that was fine by me...considering the name I wanted to give you,had been rejected.
 When they came home with you, you had the darkest eyes and hair to match. To be honest, you didn't really look like a real girl at all. Your eyes were so big and beady and your skin was so pale. Father explained that mother had lost a lot of blood when she had you and that you were very sick as well. They say momma almost died bringing you into the world. I am sure I would have hated you if that had happened. But I cannot say that I hated you for anything more than I hate you now...because I do hate you...I hate you for what you have become. Not that becoming something other than human is evil and I should hate you...I just hate you because you were always destined to change into this thing. It was as if you were born for this purpose and none other. I saw the seeds of this when you were just a child.
 I heard the first rappings at the back door right before midnight. I just assumed it was a neighborhood animal rummaging in the garbage. It wouldn't have been a problem if I had accepted the fact that cats made very big noises, because they didn't do this. Whatever was moving about at my backyard was much bigger than a cat. As I walked down the hall toward the kitchen, I was terrified. I wasn't so much terrified by the fact that you were a monster. I was just terrified by the fact that I could not help you...that I would not help you. When I peered around the corner and saw you standing on the other side of the screen door, I was heartbroken. I remember your tinged and dry. I remember your eyes..sunken and roving...but most of all, I remember what you said and I hate you for that too.
 "Hey you, let your sister inside will ya. It's fucking cold out here."
 You smiled even bigger and winked. You used the same wink you used when you were hiding something from our parents and you wanted me in on the joke. I stood there for a long time and wept before turning away from you and leaving you to curse me as the night grew long and wide.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Tavi and Tovi...the end

"Shhhh"...Tavi whispered into her dead sister's ear. "We shall be home soon...just rest here a while."

Kimana stepped outside her lodge and looked up. The sky was covered in gray clouds and strange birds. Birds which were out of season. Kimana thought of her girls momentarily and then squinted her eyes. "Tia no!" She shook her head trying to fling the spirits away from her mind. Her mind had decided she had no children, her heart was just a little stubborn. It would learn. As she stood staring upward, she swallowed nothing down her dry throat. Elder Maki stopped and watched Kimana for a minute then trudged on toward the plaza. Others watched her in silence from their nearby lodges. No one dared to disrupt her adjusting. They went about their lives as Kimana washed the bad spirits from her heart.

It wasn't till later in the afternoon, when Raven flew in from amongst the other birds and perched upon Kimana's lodge post. He stared down at Kimana as she worked a hide in silence. The old lady looked up at Raven and frowned. "What do you want, spirit?" Kimana knew that Raven was a silly little bird but that he held knowledge behind his antics. Kimana waited patiently for Raven to speak, but Raven cocked his head and stared toward the trail. Wolf came bounding toward the village from the shadows. His eyes burned brightly as he loped into the plaza and glanced from side to side.

Kimana stopped her work and stood. Something was very wrong. When Wolf and Raven ran together, it was time to pay attention. Visions became clouded and they often collided when the light and darkness worked as one. How could this be? Light was the enemy of the dark.

Kimana walked toward the wolf and spoke. "Wa ya. Wolf looked to Kimana and yelped a bit, then he jerked his head toward the opposite end of the village. Wolf walked away then broke into a sprint. Kimana followed. Her tired feet followed the light as the people watched them. Raven squaked from behind her then took flight, moving into the trees toward the trail.

"Wa Ya, where are you going?" Kimana moved behind the light ignoring the people's stares. They watched the pair move through the plaza and between the lodges on the other end of the village. Wolf darted behind the last lodge and Kimana followed. Alone they stared at each other. "Wa Ya,ge sv i Tavi a le Tovi gv hna?" Kimana's heart filled with visions of the twins much faster than her mind had beaten her will to forget them. She waited for wolf to tell her that her girls were safe, that they were coming home but wolf only stared. Then wolf grew. Not two or three hands but many. Wolf grew taller than Kimana until he lost his fur and became a man. Kimana gasped and backed into one of the lodges. Her heart, filled with dread, pounded suddenly at the sight of the light changing into man. Kimana waited for the light to speak.

"If you wish to live, run! Run very fast, into the forest and keep going!" The dark haired man glanced behind him and back to Kimana. "They are coming for you but they will take everything in their wake. Run! A si gi na!!!"

Kimana looked toward the village in confusion then back to wolf. The first scream pierced the air followed by a couple more. Babies started to cry and Raven flew low overhead squaking like a maniac. "I don't understand, Wa ya. Where are my babies?"

Wolf shook his human head and started to changed back into his canine form. He howled and closed his jaw firmly onto Kimana's hand pulling her toward the forest. More screams joined the agonizing screams from before. Shouts rang throughout the village and heads poked from the lodge directly behind Kimama. Words flew back and forth between warriors and their women but one statement repeated itself over and over...'si gi na'.

Wolf pulled Kimana furiously and growled. Kimana shouted at wolf "Tia NO! tia NO, Wa ya." Kimana shook her head and pulled free of the wolf's teeth, tearing red gashes into her little finger. Kimana winced and walked from behind the lodge. Her people were scattered everywhere questioning each other and some were  even crying hysterically. Warriors kept coming from their robes with bows and clubs, some with small hatchets. The village was in chaos. Kimana moved through the angry and frightened people moving back toward the plaza. Her heart beat furiously and her hands shook. Somewhere behind her, Raven squaked like an ordinary bird. Wolf howled painfully.

When Kimana saw it, she couldnt quite understand. Her mind just couldnt accept what she was looking at. Death, death was all around her, happening as she moved closer. Then she stopped.
In the center of the plaza, her twins stood together fighting her people. Tovi was fighting five warriors at once while Tavi held a small bundle to her face. Kimana was confused. Why were her people attacking her children. And they looked so tired, so pale. Kimana moved forward and noticed the bodies. Surrounding her twins were countless numbers of bodies. Men, women, children, all of which she was slowly beginning to recognize. Na Na lay on her face in a big pool of blood along with her husband Flake. Kimana tripped over something and when she grabbed a nearby lodge pole, she realized it was Elder Tamis. She yelped and put her hand over her mouth.

Kimana drew closer as Tovi took down the last warrior of the five and bent over him. She stared at the scene in unbelief.

"Tovi!" Kimana called to her daughter.

Tovi turned toward Kimana, still bent over the dead warrior. Tavi pulled her face from the bundle. Both girls were hideously pale and colorless except for the red covering the bottom of their faces. For a moment, Kimana didn't understand what she saw. As she realised what was happening her heart sank. Kimana screamed and fell to the earth. The rest of the village scattered and ran into the forest. Warriors dropped their weapons, mothers clutched their children and ran. Kimana lay on the ground...appearing to.sleep at the feet of her children.

Tavi dropped the dead infant to the ground and took her sisters hand. "Mama, we're home."

Tavi and Tovi...part 7

Tovi awoke to the lonliness that she had left before her black out. She remembered Raven taunting her and flashing his ebony feathers in an effort to confuse her. Tovi knew Raven's tricks very well and the stories of his journey in the mother earths belly. He and the wolf had taken the journey together into the light and now they walked seperate paths. There was a pull and tug there that Tovi used to guide her in the right paths.

Tovi was alone again and no soft beating of Raven's wings fell on her ear. In fact, the forest was quiet, a quiet that meant something was standing of the edge of the earth and about to dive off. Tovi sensed a tightness in the air around her and she shivered. She wanted to find her sister and just go home. She craved no more of the forests games. She wanted mother. She wanted tavi and she wanted the warmth of their hides and she wanted the village she grew up in. Tovi was so homesick, she could taste the rabbit stew on her tongue and feel the tools in her hand when scraping hides. Had she been gone that long or had she began to feel that she might not get to go home at all. Tovi swallowed hard and shook off the spirit's tugging claws. Yes, it was Raven in her head now. When she slept, he had crawled into her ear and taken over her thoughts.

"Si gi na!" Tovi scolded and dug her finger into her ear. Maybe she could catcha  feather and pull him out. But no sooner did she push her finger into her ear and shake her head, than she saw Raven standing in the clearing. Tovi stopped her nonesence and stared at him. "Raven, where is my sister? I want to go home!"

Raven stood still and began to groom himself. He plucked his beak into a couple of his breast feathers and then looked at her. He spoke in another voice that he had stolen from somewhere.

"You must sit still, she is coming." Raven pointed the tip of one wing to the left and nodded. "If you sleep once more, she will be here when you wake. Stay here and Tavi will be returned to you."

Tovi didn't really know whether to believe the Raven or not, but she could feel her sister in her blood. Raven was telling the truth, Tovi could feel her sister draw nearer with every breath she took. Her heart began to race and she smiled.

"Oh Tavi, we shall be together again and this time, they won't have us to part." Tovi thought about how her people would respond with their disreguard for the Elders decisions. Tovi knew she had broken the rules and that her mother had found her empty hides several passing of the suns ago. If fact, the people may even think that they are dead by now. "Doesn't matter, we will find a way, dear sister.

Tovi stood on shaking legs and watched in the direction that Raven had pointed. Her body felt strange and cold. Tovi was having trouble standing because she could not feel her legs. Her chest felt hollow. It was an odd sensation, much like when she had gotten a sparrow's bone caught in her throat. She swallowed over and over again but the strange feeling persisted. She took a couple of steps forward but her legs were still numb and stiff. Tovi frowned. "Raven, what's happened to me? Why do I feel so bad? Then her thoughts returned to her sister. "Oh my, If I feel so bad, then Tavi must be sick...or hurt. Oh Tavi, just come back and I will take care of you."

Tovi watched the clearing for so long her eyes began to fall. Right before they would close, she would jerk and pull herself up by holding onto the large pine she leaned against. Tovi watched till the sun had almost fallen into the trees, then she saw her.

In the distance a pale figure approached with a glowing orb following close behind. The closer the figure got to Tovi, the worse the pain grew in her tummy. Tovi buckled over and puked blood upon the grass and screamed in agony.

The figure drew near and rain began to fall. Tavi trudged throught the overgrowth and pushed aside face-slapping branches. Wolf circled Tavi growling and snipping at her heels. Tavi ignored him and moved toward her sister. Her eyes were sunken and hungry.

Tovi raised her head just in time to see Tavi reach down and grab the wolf by the throat. She chunked him into the weeds and moved closer to her twin.

The wolf let out a painful yelp. Raven watched from a tree top nearby.

Tavi and Tovi...part 6

Her soul flew just beyond her reach within the limbs of the trees. Tavi's eyes were dry. No tear for Si gi na, it seemed. She felt no sense of direction, no tangible thought, only a picture of a girl floated in her head. She remembered a name. "Tovi" the dead girl sucked in oxygen she no longer needed but took in as a habit.

Bright yellow eyes shown in the otherwise pitch darkness and Tavi knew it was the Wolf. She stopped her shuffling and looked ahead. A low growl moved on the wind and fell upon her cold ear. Then the wolf spoke. "Your time here is over, Si gi na." The wolf walked from the brush and stood defiant.

Tavi's head was heavy and she pulled it up wearily. Her skin had become tight and ungiving and there was much effort to look at the beast. Her thoughts were erratic, filled with flashing pictures and strange sounds. The flying soul continued on its journey through the trees then came back to hover just above her. It laughed mischeviously. Tavi looked up at her lost friend and frowned.

"I have to find something." Tavi spoke then touched her face trying to remember.


"NO!" The wolf spoke without moving its mouth. "You cannot sit with her again. You are sisters no more." He seemed angry as he paced back and forth in the path. His paws sritch scratched the leaves that were scattered there. The wolf was impatient.

Tavi's confusion echoed in her hollow chest. She looked up at her soul with questioning eyes. "What do I do?"

The wolf paused and stared at Tavi. "You must take your soul and go to the underworld. Tovi must not find you or she will join you there. She is searching for you and I am feeding her lies to keep her from your people. If she returns to them, she is also dead." The wolf appeared almost angry as he growled once more. "But  your soul is free and it is hungry and she would become as you are." The wolf seemed confused by his revelation. It was as if the Raven was trying to play through his mind. Raven sat chuckling in the nearby branches with an almost humanlike smile upon its beak.

Tavi caught a glimpse of a memory. Tovi hugged her and begged her to stay in this vision. Tovi loved her and she needed her more than anything. "NO! I want her with me, Wolf! Maybe I want her to join me there. There, we can be more..pain.."

Tavi sobbed but no tears came. Her dry throat heaved and blood poured from the hole in her chest. "What...what..happened to me, Wolf?" Tavi gasped over and over. If there was any breath that remained, Tavi would have been suffocating.

Another vision flashed in her dead eyes from deep within her brain. Tavi stopped still and closed her eyes.

Chanting...there was chanting from many elders. Tavi was afraid. Yes, the Tavi that was alive in her vision was afraid. Chants and songs were sung as someone approached her. She lay stretched out...on something. Ropes, bound tightly round her arms, legs and her mouth. She felt so much fear, tears and sadness. People moved closer and closer as they chanted. Tavi saw it and started to panic. The knife was brandished before her. It was brought up very high. Tavi saw the moon behind the knife right before it dropped.

The vision faded as Tavi's dead lips emitted a horrible scream. She gasped and fell backwards. Her body floated to the ground supernaturally and turned in its mental agony. She screamed again.
The wolf stared and his face changed before her. An incredible sadness mixed with his noble anger and it soften his scowl. He grew tall and slender and the wolf changed to man. He walked toward the demon and comforted her. The soul floated close to the man's head. He could hear the soul's whispers.

"Tavi, they have betrayed you. You are dead."

Tavi and Tovi...part 5

Through brush and briar she flew, traveling as fast as her little legs would take her. Tovi's heart beat wildly, she was so very nervous. Raven whispered over and over into her ear. Tovi remembered Tavi's letter and swatted her hand at the  air as she ran. "Go away, you pest."

The Raven laughed and whispered again. Tovi stopped still and glared at the vision which hovered above her. Her pigtails were full of pine needles and her face was covered with a film of dirt. Her black locks were almost gray, they were so filthy. "You go away, Go la nv! I won't listen to your lies anymore." Tovi spit in the air and growled. She waited to hear more silly ranting from the bird, but the air was still.

With a long exhale, Tovi started to sprint again. She felt some driving force pushing her onward. Could it be Wa ya? Raven told her to go east and Wolf said to travel west. She trusted the vision she had from wolf the night before. The stars were right and she felt a spirit in her tummy that usually meant she should hurry. Wolf said in her dream that Tavi was lost, that she needed Tovi. Tovi believed him and remembered her sister's words about the Raven.

Tovi ran faster. She jumped twigs and dodged slapping branches. Her cheeks were red with her effort. Tovi felt the spirits grow stronger in her tummy the further she traveled. She almost lost her dinner when she dodged the last big pine. "Ho wa tsu...Ho wa tsu, Tavi... A da nv do!!" Tovi lost the contents of her stomach as she pleaded for help. Grabbing a large pine, she lurched and emptied the remainder of her tummy. The spirits swirled inside her and made her head spin. Tovi sat down hard. Sweat poured down her face and into her dress. Her head began to pound and she felt her vision fading.

Tovi watched the trees dancing in front of her eyes. Raven dropped to the earth before her and changed his shape. He looked huge, maybe 30 hands or more from the earth. A solid black shape. He laughed at Tovi and shook his head. His beak protruded as he looked to the north. Raven spoke clearly. "Yes, sit and rest. Help will come"

Tovi sneered and growled at Raven. "Get away, Go la nv! Si gi na!"

Raven laughed and spoke in a gravely voice. "v v, A si gi na!"

Tovi's hand dug in the leaves for something to throw at Raven but she found nothing. Her body was so weak from the spirits which seemed to have invaded her. She began to cry and stare at Raven. Her eyes scrunched and she cursed him under her breath. Her vision faded more and more and she tried desperately to stay concious. Despite her fighting, Tovi lost all sense of reality and darkness fell over her.

Tavi and Tovi....part 4

Tovi squinted into the darkness.  The lone shadow in the forest was small and was possibly her sister. Her mouth dropped open and she preceeded to call out her sister’s name ; but  stopped as she noticed the figure was male. Tovi’s heart sank.

“Greetings” Tovi said under her breath as the young brave stopped at the entrance to the camp and spoke to the scout.

 When he did not acknowledge her, she shrank into the shadows of the lodge to her right. Her own lodge stood ominous  a couple feet down. Tovi didn’t really want to go home. She moved silently toward her mother’s lodge and threw back the flap on the entranceway. “Mother, I am here.” Tovi sang melodiously, hiding her breaking heart. Tovi walked through another flap and entered her and Tavi’s little sleeping quarters. Two hides lay side by side on the dirt floor. One was folded neatly with a little straw doll atop the furs. Her sister’s doll stared vacantly at Tovi with questioning eyes. Tovi dropped her head and fought back the tears.

It had been a whole phase of the moon since her sister left and she could barely stand to see her little doll beside her empty hides at night. Where was she? Tovi hesitated to ask anyone about her sister seeming as though they had cast her out of their minds entirely. Even mother acted as if Tavi didn’t exist. She passed by her hides and never looked down. Even when Tovi brought up the subject of her sister, her mother would frown and say “who?” Tovi grew restless and afraid. Why did everyone avoid the subject of her sister? Why wouldn’t they send a runner to find out where she was? Tovi shivered in fear.

Walking toward her sister’s hides, she stopped. In the corner was a neatly folded peice of hide tucked under an old sacred mask. Tovi tilted her head in wonder. “Now, where did that come from?” Tovi scampered over to the mask and lifted the folded portion of hide from underneath it. with care and shaking hands, she unfolded the mystery and peered at the inside.

A simple message brought a lump into Tovi’s throat as she read the inscription.

‘Dear Tovi,

I love you , dear sister and I want you to take care of mother. If I travel to the underworld, I will try and send back your soul to you. Do not do anything until a dreamer arrives. He will show you how to fix the evil that has been done.  I fear that there are other plans for me than to help me, dear sister. I feel it in the hard stares of the elders. I will be leaving you soon, take care and do not listen to the raven. Wolf is right about this one. Remember, I will be with you in the wind.


Tovi would not wait any longer. She had to find Tavi and they weren’t going to stop her.
She waited until the guard at the opening of the trail fell to sleep(as he always did) and she snuck out of her lodge. Mother whined in her robes. Tovi moved quietly behind the lodges that surrounded her own and makde her way toward the gate. Her back hurt from the weight of her provisions. She carried a pack over her little shoulder containing deer jerky, acorn cakes and an extra fur. Who knows, her sister could be cold and hungry and she prepared for that.

She past by the guard as he snored and unconciously tapped his thigh. His was propped against a big pine with his bow clutched tightly in his hand. His lip twitched. Tovi couldn’t help but smile at the drool seeping out of the young braves mouth. His name was Jay. He was once in love with her sister but by now she wasn’t sure.

“Don’t worry Jay, I will bring her back. I promise” Tovi whispered and paused to look at him once more then vanished into the darkness.

She moved stealthily down the trail placing the pad of her foot down first and hopping onto the other. She would have to get pretty far from the village before she could start to run. She hoped to make good time and to beat the sunset. Her destination, Sun Mound, would take her two turns of father sun to arrive. She would travel until she could not stand before she took her first nap. Exhaustion would be her indicator of when she needed to stop. Tovi pushed back the creepy feeling that kept coming up into her stomach. She felt as if something was very wrong and she grew more restless with every step she took.

Tavi and Tovi...part 3

"Si gi na!"

Warriors scattered in all directions and those who didn't stared hard at Tavi. The old one armed woman hobbled back gasping as her unbroken stick fell to the ground. Whispers traveled among the Beaver People making them shift back and forth. But no one turned a head away from Tavi.

"Si yu." Tavi spoke only a salutation then stopped. She couldn't understand anything that was happening. "I am tired, so tired. Can I rest here tonight."

At the sound of her voice, a brave walked forward a step and put his palm up. "Tla no, A si gi na!"

Tavi was astonished and gasped at his accusations. "I am no devil. I am trying to get home." Tavi's little face scrunched up and she began to cry. Her heart was breaking more and more ; she just wanted to go home to mother and Tovi.

The further she walked into the village, the deeper the throng pushed back into the heart of the plaza. Tavi glanced from side to side at the crazed people. No one told her that disease had spread this far. These people were very sick, Tavi hurt for them. Tavi noticed that the hurt was strange. It felt like a memory instead of a physical pain. She stopped suddenly, her trek towards the people. The moon moved from behind the clouds and awakened the village in ribbons of day stolen light.

People began to scream as the moon shone its light upon the scene. Women snatched children and ran dropping bowls into the mud. Curs started to bark and back away. Braves lifted their weapons but stepped backwards. Some tripped over fires falling and burning her legs. Then the screams grew louder.   Tavi's eyes widened then but stepped toward the people. "Please...Please."

Her hope became her panic. She dropped her head into her hands and continued to cry. When she peered between her fingers she could see her reflection in the water which had pooled upon the ground. The moon shone down into the shining liquid freshly spilled from the stone pot. Tavi stopped crying abruptly and gazed at her reflection. Her eyes were sunken, pale flesh covered her face tightly like a mask and when she opened her mouth, she fell backwards onto the ground. "AAAAhhhh  A si gi na!" Tavi fell backwards pushing her little hands down into the mud. She sat for a moment rolling the words over and over against her tongue...her cold and dry tongue.

As Tavi pronounced herself the devil, she crawled back to the water and peered in. She opened her mouth and pulled her lips back against her gums. One hand went up and touched a pointed canine.

"Si gi na...oh, si gi na." Tavi raised up upon her knees to see more and noticed the blood on her dress. Her little hand went down to touch the blood on her chest and a gaping hole sucked her hand right in where her heart would be.

Tavi screamed and the whole village came alive in terror.

Tavi and Tovi...part 2

She could feel them staring into her back. Their big beedy eyes gave her the creeps. Tavi hated brother owl and his hoot hoots. She stepped along the worn trail which led to Beaver Town and wondered if the Beaver people would welcome her. She was cold, wet and hungry and surely the village  would give her  lodge for the night. They did not know her curse and she would not tell them. By the time things started to happen, Tavi would be well on her way down the trail again. But for now, the beasts of the wood, the chill in the air and her growling stomach pushed her to be brave.

“Oh mother, how I wish you were here. Oh Tovi, say a prayer for your dark and twisted soul.” Tavi spoke through the cobwebs in her mind. She felt as if the great rift of her being was pulling her back to her sister. It  was hard to push onward but her promise kept her fixed on her destination; creepy nights, cold winds and all.

For miles she trudged ahead in the mud and leaves. Her moccasins were soaked through with the last nights rain. Her mind, lulled by the sweet call of the night birds as they nested down, thought on home again.  It was hard to concentrate on the little road before her which widened as it neared the town. She wanted to be with mother so bad that tears pooled in her vision. How she wished that she could just have one more moment with mother and tell her she was sorry for the trouble her soul had stirred. She hated her soul.

 She didn’t realize that she had neared the village until she heard their voices. Voices of what seemed to be home. Tavi squinted her little brown eyes and peered through the overhanging limbs. They were everywhere. Warriors in circles eating while their women put away bowls and pots.  Tavi could see firelight still burning brightly and children running round curs, pulling the mut's tails. She smiled thinking of the Crane people . She wondered if little Eina was playing with Sprite by the fireside as well and her mother…oh her dear mother. Tavi suddenly saw her mother crying with Tovi in her arms. Tavi frowned and the tears spilled to her dress. Tavi really wanted to go home now.

 Her musing mind was startled by a sharp snap in the distance. She noticed an old woman breaking twigs to add to the dwindling fire. She looked very odd to Tavi; the old hag’s one arm braced the twig pushing it against her thigh as the she lifted her knee and broke the small branch. Tavi giggled before she knew what she was doing. The lady looked up from her ordeal and frowned. Tavi grew silent and contemplated whether to emerge and let her presence be known.

For long moments  she waited and waited; until the old hag went back to her one armed twig breaking. She exhaled and emerged into the open camp.

“Hello….I am Tovi of the Crane clan. I seek lodge for the night.”

Faces turned and warriors stood. Tavi shivered.

Tavi and Tovi...part 1

She smiled as Tavi caressed her face.

“I will see you when the sun catches the moon twice.” Tavi smiled a strange sickening smile but tried to hide her fear

But  Tovi did not believe her sister, she did not believe a word she said. Tovi saw the state of mind that her village was in.
They were  very close, twins at that. Everywhere that Tavi went, Tovi did as well. It was a mutual agreement. Something that they kept tucked away deep within their hearts. But it was far more than that. Their souls were cursed.

 Tavi once cut her hand deeply on a peice of chert while scraping hides with her mother. Tovi, helping her cousin on the other side of the village, screamed out in pain. Once when Tavi was helping one of their aunts with a sick baby; Tovi was the one to suffer with the fever her sister had caught.  It took lots of explaining to convince both the girls of why this happened. When one girl would get hurt the other would feel it. That, according to the elders, was because their souls were mixed up.

Mother talked about how the trickster thought it fun to switch Tavi and Tovi’s souls while inside the water world waiting for birth. Mother even talked of how she tried to spew the girls out while gagging and coughing early in the pregnancy. The girls would look at their mother in fear while gripping each others hands. Then when mother told of the way the girls flipped and danced in the water world; the girls would just laugh at the stories. That is... until too many injuries proved their myth to be real.  Mixed pains and hurts caused the girls to sit and listen to mother’s yarns. Just as the stories of the sun chasing the moon, the sister’s 'switched souls' became infamous among their people. Stares often made the girls feel like outsiders.

And the souls were not happy to be in the wrong bodies hence, they began to reek havoc. Sickness spread throughout the village rapidly and killed many of the strong. People were in panic; and   would not leave their lodge but to gather what foods they needed. Tavi and Tovi were blamed and shunned. Mother cried often and begged for the spirits to fix her children. But they never listened and instead sent great droughts to starve yet many more of their strong people. Only chaos spread more rapid throughout the Crane clan.

After too much talk of witchcraft the elders decided to send one of the twins to a sister clan to seek the guidance of a great medicine woman.  The woman was said to have the ability to replace souls to their right full bodies and bring Peace to a cursed village. It was the decision of the elders to send one girl ahead  and the other one was to take the journey when the sun chased the moon across the sky twice. The girls would have to be seperated  at the time of the retrieval  in order to hold the one soul away from the other. Souls were known to war with each other outside the body. It was decided that Tavi would leave first then Tovi would take the journey alone afterwards. Any risks for the young girls had to be taken. After all, it was the life of the village that was at stake.

After the summer festivals had ended Tavi packed her food and hides and prepared to leave. Mother weeped in the corner, as Tavi walked out to sit with her sister. But Tavi was strong and she would do whatever was needed to bring peace to her people.

“I love you Tovi, remember to take care of yourself. After all you are taking care of me. If anything should happen to me along the way I will be sure to send your soul back to you unharmed.”

Tovi frowned and looked up at her sister. “Tavi, I hold it here in my heart that you will come back to me…but if your body does not survive, then our souls will war with each other.”

Tavi held an empty pot before Tovi and whispered. “If my soul comes back without me, put it in here until you find someone who dreams for the people. They are wise and they would know what to do.”

Tovi smiled weakly as her sister leaned to kiss her goodbye. Their black pigtails entwined and seperated as Tavi rose to her feet.

“I love you too Tavi. I will come to you.”

Tovi watched her sister walk away. A hot tear made a trail through the dust on her cheek.

Friday, March 8, 2013

Gavin again and no more

Things in the present have changed, so you would guess there would be no reason for me to continue this...but I must. Things left unfinished with tarnish your soul.
I knew that since Gavin had made the wrong guess and that Gavin thought Natalie was obsessed with him; that maybe, not maybe...of course, I had to tell him the truth. I had to make right the wrong that I had done and show him who I was. Then I would be laying the cards on the table for him to see.
The eve of my solo at church was filled with frustrating and hellish content. I came to full terms of my husband's cheating and had to keep calm. I wanted to sing my song the next morning and so I could not get upset. I was riddled and baffled by everything, pulled thin and weary...I just wanted to hide away now. I had put the full spotlight on someone who was innocent, I had married a man who was never satisfied and I had put priority on an internet persona obsessed with another. I was bad...very bad...but not the worst in my eyes. I had to tell him, I needed to practice my song...I needed to check on the children while they were sleeping. Were they breathing? I was a basketcase.
The next morning, the truth fully came out about my husband's affair and he agreed to stop seeing I said before. I put on my dress and went to church to sing my solo. I remember Gavin not being there. I remember crying through my song because I was miserable and everything was unfair. But I would honor my God, regardless...after all, he knew what I was doing, every little nasty bit. I went back home and continued my 'get back together' conversation with my husband. I felt so guilty for doing wrong and being mad at him that I told him about my internet persona and how I contacted Gavin. He seemed surprised and angry. Even though I actually never slept with Gavin, my husband was angry and insisted that I should tell the church about what I did. The youth minister came to the house and I told him hoping that he would not tell anyone else. He was appalled at my actions and of course we all prayed. He said, that I would have to step down from being a sunday school teacher and that I could not sing anymore. So there it was...the deal...what I had to take for my confession and so I took it. But Gavin still didn't know.
Later that night, I logged onto my computer and uploaded a picture of myself onto my profile. It was there, now Gavin would know who I am. Maybe we could all have a laugh about the whole thing and get over it...maybe is what I hoped for but things were not to be that way.
During the next couple of weeks, the news of what I did spread. The news of my husbands affair was solid and compact and no one mentioned it again. The first sunday back, the preacher's wife walked up to me and whispered into my ear...she said my fake name to me. She said..."Hello, Lee Ann." I looked into her eyes and I saw hatred. Gavin was one of the favorites of the church and he was young. Of course it would be this way, she was protecting him. I couldn't help but cry then. The pain and the humiliation was emmense. The sunday following, Gavin's friends and Gavin started to avoid me and to shun me. They acted as though I had a disease...a plague. The looks they gave were horrible. My heart hurt so bad seeing the way they looked at me, when once they were my friends. None of them would hug me at all. The sunday following that one, the church had gotten wind that I had conducted a Fun party which consisted of selling sex toys. After church that day, they put me in a chair in front of the whole church and stood around me. The elders all looked down upon me and prayed. They chanted and laid hands upon me. The looks they gave were not of love but of hatred. It seemed as though they were more concerned about makihg a good show to all the others to make sure this bad seed didnt spoil everything and they would not have to throw  me out. A couple weeks later, I was on my social page, which was now my own with my real picture, and I saw where one of the last comments before one of Gavin's friends unfriended me , had wrote to Gavin.
"I cannot believe you had a stalker." Those words were like knives. I guess I deserved it though. I did the crime and I was not upfront. I grieved. I cried so hard and hurt so bad that you wouldn't believe but I guess that is okay too.
Things never really got better for me there. I tried to fit back in but I never could. I would stay away awhile then I would try to be friendly. Everytime that I hugged one of Gavin's friends, they cringed and pulled away. I just stopped dong it. I think it was the best thing to do.
And now, it feels so similar to hard and hurtful. I know I am wrong for what I have been thinking and how I have been acting but my heart hurts for understanding. I love too hard and with a timid fear. I feel ugly sometimes and think the best thing to do is be anonymous or cryptic. This time it has been cryptic...cryptic poetry, cryptic speach because the truth is just so frightening. And then there was another...another that seems more important and has the ability to talk freely to my present interest and I am tired of trying.
I feel stupid, a fool and so out of line. NOthing I can say or do is good enough, worthy or sufficient. Just to be a friend would have been enough, given I had patience to realize the wrong path I was taking. Ignoring someone is never the answer, humoring someone's feelings is never the answer either. I have come to the end of the line and I have nothing more to give but silence. I thought I was breaking through the ice when I saw that everyone else was already on the other side. I feel shunned and neglected. I feel a hurt like no physical hurt.
Today I more. I would be a doormat for anyone's selfish means anymore. I cannot stroke the ego...or I will not. I will not pour sugary shit into your ear. I will tell you the truth, the hard truth if you care to listen long enough without running away...or I would have...but not now. I see your point and get your hint.
and I am done.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Gavin again, part 2

And so it was, with Gavin as with my present interest...unfair to say the least.
Truth is, I was in pain, immense emotional pain from experiencing a marriage which had gone sour. I looked at Gavin as an angel of sorts...a savior maybe. He was sweet and very true to his beliefs...and his personality in a whole was wonderful. Or at least this is how he appeared to be.
Meanwhile, my husband continued to have the affair with the married woman I knew about and had grown complacent about as well. I felt so alone and fet driven to talk to Gavin all the more. Pretty much, life was in shambles. I wanted something good, something pure and maybe this is why my mentality was less than perfect. Logic, I guess, for me had become rather twisted.
A time came when things grew even more complicated. I would read all the time, drowning my reality in the reality of the characters of a book. I found this to be a great escape from both my failing marriage and my game with Gavin. I knew that fooling Gavin was wrong, but I knew he would not love me...I knew that at least I could prolong the fantasy a little longer and play pretend with myself. I just wanted to be wanted. Yes, my children loved me but I wanted a soul mate...someone who really knew me and my dark side too...yet loved me all the same.
Only certain people catch my eye, I might mention. They are the ones who I feel can take me for who I am. I see so many men and hear the words from so many men...I see the lies there. I see the lies of what they say they can do for me. Then I see the ones...the ones who do not lie about their abilities to be imperfect. I see the tainted ones, the scarred ones who have been so deeply scarred that callouses have formed from years of hurt..I see their innocence. I am drawn to a magnet and I am drawn deeply. Gavin was pure from some hurt...some hidden thing that no one knew about and I saw it in his eyes. That is where I always see it...the eyes. They tell the truth.
There came a time when the shit did hit the fan...yes, it came. The truth came out about my husband and the whole church knew. I asked him what he wanted from our relationship and in short, he wanted to stay. Deep within, I was dying from the hurt and knew it was just a matter of time until I had to let him go. I can say, I did it for the children, I can say i did it because the church told me to stay...these both were very true...but I also stayed because I was a coward. When the truth came out, I tried to stay focused on what I must do in life. I continued to sing in the trio and to teach sunday school but the little slip that I made talking to Gavin's friend Lexi...was to be the end of my game.
Apparently, I had given enough details of myself that Gavin was convinced that he knew who I was. Unfortunately he was wrong. He guessed that I was one of the other girls from the trio singing group I was in at church. His guess was Natalie, a blonde with children and marital problems. No amount of denial from me would convince Gavin that he was wrong about his guess. I pleaded with Lexi to tell him that he was wrong but she was convinced as well. For weeks, at every church service, I had to watch Gavin ignore and act awkward toward Natalie, while I felt like a peice of shit. I had to do something. It was just not fair for her to take the fall for something that I done. I had to fix things.
Meanwhile, the church told me to stay...stay in my marriage, after all forgiveness was key. But would they forgive me, if they knew?

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Gavin again, part 1

It was the same with Gavin. The things that I resorted to, the games that I would play...this was exactly as it had been with that man I used to love. I had lost all hope that I could ever have him after the shit hit the fan. I know, that is such a cliche but that was about the size of it....the enormity of the whole situation.
And I am here again...replaying this same scenario where I am the only one who holds the truth of my secret passions. I have found myself locked, rooted in this. I am no longer Marcia, I am the obsessive compulsive dreamer. I see things the way I want them to be instead of lifting the veil from my eyes and looking upon the truth.  I know that one day this will fade because it is not will wither away because it is not nurtured. Nothing, no matter how much of your heart it occupies, can grow when starved to death. I cry for this coming death as if my very pulse would stop at that moment...and who says it would not....could the end of all this suffering.
Again, I am being pushed to speak the truth. Certain things that I observe tell me that I should hurry and make my intentions clear. And even if I fail miserably; I will at least know that the burden of my interest no longer lies upon my shoulders....they will then be his to bear or throw away. That is how I am beginning to see it anyway.
The suffocation of holding a secret is emmense, not that things should be told; but just things told to one from another when both parties are involved. I am not the type to gossip to hurt someone but I do hate to keep things inside that should be told...things that eat away at me.  And that is why I did the things I did concerning Gavin.
Gavin is gone now...far away, and married. I may never see him again. But I must tell his story in hopes that the answer is there within. The answer that I need now.
I was 28...pretty young I guess, younger than I am now at least. I made an anonymous account on a social site, one that Gavin frequented. I wanted to see him, his picture, his face. I wanted to know if we had anything in common by looking at his profile. I did look at his profile and I was right as I thought I might be. Gavin and I were alike in many ways. Our music interests were similar as with other aspects between us. But I had no courage to know this when face to face with him. After having the fake profile for a little while, I wrote a poem for Gavin. At that point he unfriended me because the poem was 'weird'. He then demanded to know who I really was but I would not tell him...I was so scared that he would hate me for what I was doing.
I sent him messages even though he was no longer my friend and he answered them. Sometimes he even laughed at things I said...then followed with a ..."who are you?"
I would not tell Gavin because I knew he would hate me. One reason why Gavin would hate me was because I was a married woman. Although unhappy in my relationship and on the brink of divorce, Gavin would not see the world the way that I did and he would not have mercy on me. I am sure of it.
But I could not stop. All the power within me to stay fit, to be a mother but no power to quiet an obsession. It was indeed an obsession and one that I had just begun to feel the full force. I would step away from the computer to do other things. I would run, listen to my favorite music and just spend time outside contemplating other things. But even when I would think of going to the gym, Gavin would be there in my mind, lifting weights and smiling at me. When I would turn on the television, Gavin was there in the familiar faces of young men who slightly resembled him. He wouldn't go away and truth be told, I do not know why. Even now, I cannot say why Gavin was so important to me. Many say that there are lessons to be learned in things like this...people who are persistently holding a place in your mind and heart. I know not whether there is truth in this, I just know that I couldn't escape from it and I would cry for help while pining for him. It was torturous. I only ended up back on the social site and sending messages...stupid, silly things which only led to short anwswers...sometimes a longer answer but mostly short ones.
 My ability to understand the closed minded mentality was very limited. I did not understand why someone could not just humor another person when they were anonymous. Many times I have spoken to others when they were in cognito, and it did not bother me that I did not know their true identity. Not to say, I did not try to figure it out, oh yes, I did...I found it fun and challenging. I was not offended or scared by these persons because I was confident in protecting myself. Yes, my self esteem wavered, but whose didn't. But I was not afraid because I was in the dark about he identity of a stranger...a stranger who probably knew fully well who I was and I knew him, I am sure of it.
With Gavin; I just wanted the chance to talk, to vent and to let him know how I truly felt about him. I was afraid...and this is why I hid my identity, afraid to hear him say that he did not feel the same. I think I would have rather taken a lie over the truth to spare my sometimes fragile feelings. I think, in my pure depths of pain, I was in love with the lie, the fantasy...I think I choked on the lies I made inside my mind. As long as I could talk to him as a stranger, I could see things in my own perspective, a new person perspective... Something strange, something odd but yet comforting to me. But enough of that explanation.
I continued to talk to Gavin for months...throughout the summer months on into the fall. I would tell him things and warn him about people who were using him...because I loved him...because I cared, I genuinlly did care.  Of course he was astonished and had to respond wanting to know how I got my information and how I knew the same people. I know he was quietly calculating and racking his brain to figure out who I was. He even asked a friend of his to friend request me to get close to me and gain information. I knew this was happening immediatelly and smiled to myself. You see, I am confident in my abilities to keep things secret when I want to. If any thing "leaks" is simply because I am tired of the game and I want it to be known. And the game was not a 'game' per is just my armor of protection until I do not care anymore or I am so weary of keeping it inside and the risks of holding it in become greater than the risks to letting it be known. Anyway, This 'new found' friend he sent my way began her fake friend persona and her empty questions. I played along and answered all she asked of me. It was quite simple actually, and amusing that he and she both thought they were getting somewhere. So I talked to her, her name was Lexi and she was beautiful. I picked up on the vibe that she liked him as I did and even heard from a confidant that she had tried on numerous occasions to get his interest. Apparently, he was not interested in sex with her but was still willing to be her friend. How charitable of him, really. ha! So, I talked some more and then in my pure joy of the game, I did it...I made the first slip that I had ever made in the whole ordeal. I mentioned a fact about myself that was important indeed.
But let me stop there...let me go back and tell more things that might be of importance to our story here. Me, Marcia Renee Long, and Gavin Peterson both attended the local community college and the same church on Sundays.haha, now that's a twist. And to make things more interesting, he was 10 years younger than I at the time. Yes, he was 18 years old  and just out of high school.

Want to add even more spice to the pot...then consider the fact that I was part of an all girl gospel trio and a sunday school teacher. Dear god, why was life so difficult and why was the unattainable so attractive?