I was on my knees and I looked up toward Lawrence who stood blocking the sunlight. I couldn’t see his expression or anything really past the black silhouette of his head. I had no idea what he thought of my admission. I would never find out either because the girl from the village who always treated me as if I was never good enough, she came walking toward my shack. I saw her hard steps and clenched fists as she fast approached us. There was nothing I could do but rise and stumble back toward my doorway. I knew this was not going to be a peaceful confrontation by the set of her jaw and the look in her eyes. She did, however, have this strange smirk about her face and it brought shivers to my bones. I wanted away from here and so I stood directly in my open doorway. Lawrence turned to see why I was retreating.
Her name was Ramona, for whatever it is worth. For, as soon as she reached Lawrence, she was chattering loudly.
“Whatever are you doing out here, Lawrence?” Ramona stood and glared form him to me and put her hands on her hips. She motioned toward me and then leaned in to whisper.
Lawrence looked and me and then back to Ramona. I saw a strange pity in his eyes and then fear. He leaned back toward Ramona and his hands started to move rapidly, pointing, waving and then growing still. Ramona leaned in once more and pulled at his shirt. She pulled harder still and tugged him from my porch and into the pure light of day. He jerked away from her hands and turned back toward me. I saw him fold his arms across his chest and sigh. I could see his face much better and his eyes glimmered in the sunlight. One more tug from Ramona and Lawrence turned angrily toward her and barked his protest. I heard his last words and they were strange.
“She isn’t a witch, Ramona!” Lawrence screamed and then immediately put his hand back over his mouth. He realized a little too late that he had spoken way too loudly. His face was a mass of confusion.
He had no certainty in what he said, any more than I knew with any certainty that I would be able to resist the next turn.
I stood timidly. I could feel myself shaking but I wanted to be brave.
Lawrence spoke once more, “Yelvina, I am sorry. I have to go.”
I watched them leave together and felt my heart sink. I knew she was there to protect him from me. They all were. I should be thankful that they all didn’t kill me. I was blessed to be alone and without them.
The lies I fed myself were not comforting. The nights that followed were not comforting either. I did not find solace in the fact that things would forever be unfinished and unknown.
As I finish my last entry of my journal, I wonder what it will be like somewhere else. I wonder if I shall ever forget Lawrence, and I doubt this as I roll the thought around in my head.
I will not say that I am innocent because I am not. I could try to forget, but I will not, not ever. I cannot say when it happened, as I cannot remember when I was cursed with my illness. I see them parallel. My love and my destruction have come upon me from out of nowhere and changed my entire life.
I cannot always have what I want. I have wished upon every star of the night to be normal like the others. I have wished upon those same stars to have one night with Lawrence again just so I could say goodbye in a proper manner.
Sometimes, I have found, you just never get what you want. Unfortunately, this doesn’t dull the aching.
As my lupine feet hit the ground, I hunger.
As my human feet touch the ground, I weep.
Which pain is worse, I have no idea.
But when I weep, I remember.