We sat, and for a very long period, we only fumbled with our hands. I heard him first speak to me before I looked up from the waters silvery surface. He seemed calm and wanted to ask me many questions about how I was doing out here in the wilderness. He always looked surprised and bright eyed about it all.
He carried this strange luminating optimism whenever he was in a good mood which contrasted starkly with his other side. I had seen him angry before, when his father had left him with too many chores to do, he had grown very livid and he had kicked things around, shouting profanities. I remember that I had laughed at him and he had grown angry at me as well, throwing an apple in my direction.
I watched his eyes dance as he listened, waiting for me to answer his silly questions. They were not questions that I wanted him to ask because I was impatient. I wanted to be mean, all of a sudden. I wanted to call him out on things that I had noticed, things that he wished to stay hidden. But, I decided to smile and put my mask on for a while…and just answer the silly questions. Maybe if I answered the silly ones, he would ask something more interesting.
“I am fine, Lawrence.”
Suddenly he looked sad. He and I both knew that this conversation could easily shift in any direction. I was terrified of humans, simply because they made me feel so sub-par. From early childhood, I have felt like I do not belong among them. I felt that way up until I finally left them all. Here in the wilderness, it was different. The animals did not see me as the humans saw me. The animals were kind and understanding. I decided then to give him my generic answer once more to keep him from digging further.
“I am really fine, doing great out on my own. I like it here.”
I smiled then turned away from him. I couldn’t stand to look into his eyes. That was one place that I did not think I could ever escape from if I lingered too long. I had so many words fighting to get through my lips. I felt them quivering as he talked about how the village really needed me and how my gifts could be of great use. I started to drift away in his words.
I looked at him suddenly and spoke from off the top of my head. “Why did you come here? Why have you been spying on me and not saying anything?”
I meet his eyes and this time, I decided to hold them there.
He did not speak at first and then he started to sputter between words and random sounds. It was clear that he didn’t expect that question at all.
“I mean it, Lawrence…I guess you shall do as you always have and leave me to question everything because your torment is so great. I mean it, Lawrence, I want to know.”
Lawrence didn’t speak because Lawrence never speaks freely of himself. He answers my questions when he wants to, when it is convenient for him and not too awkward. He paints the sky blue when it is really black, he tries to make me feel like everything is perfect when it is so very painful. He tries to make me see that I am normal when I am not. He denies everything. He looks at me and he closes his eyes on the inside, because that is safe.
I rose from that spot and realized that I was in terrible pain. The realization that he would leave and I would be alone again, that feeling tore through me and burned like a hot blade. I had to go, I had to run.
All I could think of was running. I wanted to rip through the underbrush and jump the spring, up the hill and into the fields. I wanted to run until I had left the pain behind. But I stood there. I looked down at him and knew that he was not pleased by my question. His forehead creased and he let out a long exhale.
He spoke, he did. “I am sorry, Yelvina.”
And then he rose too and he left. I was still standing on the levee when Andreea put her phantom arms around me and Ona kissed my cheek.
“Its okay sweetie, let us make you some tea.”
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