In an attempt to save my soul, I hid away again. I downed my black bear cloak and sat within my little shack. The air was growing cooler and so it was comfortable to do this. It was still some time until my next moon and so I busied myself with experimenting with teas and stews. I cooked rabbit stew with wild turnips and made cakes from acorn paste. The herbs I found were splendid in creating a wonderful taste to my wild feasts. I took in wild onion, dandelion greens and also clover and mint. I noticed the mint was wonderful upon my tongue and so I inhaled to feel the coolness of it.
I studied again with the sister round the fire and felt my laughter bubble up and out of me like a fountain. I found much fun in the days that followed with my others. The things I learned and the things I enjoyed made my chest feel full and my legs longed to run in happiness.
I would lay down when I was tired, there by the fire. I felt the cool air grow crisp and I thought of going inside the shack. There was a part of me however that was never really there.
This was always hard to explain to myself, much less others. I could be happy, laughing away but then when I grew still, I felt disjointed. I would search the days and nights for why I was unhappy. There had to be a reason why that little dark place never gained any light from my mirth.
On those cold and crisp nights, I would look up into the black sky and see the stars. I pretended that I could talk to them and that they could help me. I spoke in my mind and questioned them as I would have questioned others. I wanted to know why I had this void. They never answered me, they just kept winking at me from above. I would pull my huge bear skin blanket up over me and turn away from them. That is when I would just look into the fire. I questioned the fire as well. The fire was just as quiet as the stars.
When I grew weary of questioning everything, I closed my eyes. The water from tears unfallen would pool underneath my lids until they pushed out and over my cheeks. I knew it had to happen, the tear would always fall. It would never be right, until I knew for certain.
I would never rest until I knew how he felt.
In a fortnight, the moon was full and the alconitum did not work. I remember waking near the village, just behind the blackberry bushes. I had blood all over my body.
Of course I ran right back to my home. I washed in the lake and hid beneath my furs. I was terrified. I had no idea what had happened the night before. I wanted to know who or what had become my victim and how far I would have to run. I waited for days within my shack, eating scraps from the days before. I heard nothing.
When I finally decided to go outside, I saw Lawrence coming up from the north field. I was shocked, so shocked that I even ducked back inside. Every nerve in my body reacted to him, every little twitching muscle drove me to peer back around the doorway at his approach. He was dressed as before, with plain trousers and shirt. He looked a little frightened as he glanced from left to right and then back at my home. I couldn't stand it anymore and so I walked out to greet him.
He stopped a few feet away and just stared at me. I didn't say anything either but I smiled a bit.
He spoke first and he said, "I wanted to come and warn you, that there is a beast on the loose. I think you should be careful out here."
I felt relief at the fact that this was just protocol; at the
same time, I wanted more.
"Thank you, Lawrence. I have my weapons and I have seen no "beasts" round here."
He bit the corner of his lip and then shuffle around with his feet. I saw that he wanted to say something like he always does, but he kept quiet.
"Do you wish to tell me anything else, Lawrence?" I spoke bravely.
He held out his hand to me and offered something familiar. It was my mother's locket. I immediately felt for my throat and seen that it was indeed gone. I was angry at myself for losing it and even angrier still for not knowing that it was gone. In all the strange and harrowing aftermath of my transformation, I had neglected to notice the absence of the locket.
"Here, I think this is yours. I remember you showing this to me many times before. I just wanted to make sure you didn't lose it."
I reached and took the necklace in a hurry and gripped it tightly in my fist. Opening my hand, I noticed that the locket was also covered in dark blood. I glanced at his hand and it too was spotted with blood. I had no idea what it meant and so I sat down on the ground, then and there.
"Lawrence, can I tell you something?" I spoke looking up at him with sincerity.
"yes, of course." he answered timidly. His eyes grew bigger and his anticipation beamed in his gaze.
"I really like you, Lawrence. I mean, I like you and I want you to see the truth of me."
He looked confused and turned his head to the side. I know my mind was different, that I was different and that I was the beast and that he probably knew I was the beast....at least in some distant place in his mind. I knew that he knew and I couldn't seem to get it deep enough into his mind to get him to grasp it. I wanted, for one moment in time, for denial to disappear.
Lawrence looked shocked and he just stood stunned.
" I love you in the only way broken things can love."
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