Monday, December 30, 2013
"So, you hate cats"
The bitter twang hung at the back of my throat. The pleasure I felt from before was gone and the look in your eyes proclaimed you knew that something had turned. The thing that had turned was my last shred of hope for us. You see, I cannot feel any different about them. I know that people sacrifice things for the one they love all the time. I guess I could have agreed with you then and there but I could only stare transfixed by your words. I was even having trouble taking them in, they were so fowl and the stench of them made me nauseous.
I can see by the look on your face that you wish to run. There is not much left to hold you here because of the silly imaginations that you have conjured. I guess the coincidences of the past few days have made you think in a rather supernatural way, not common to your regular thought patterns. And, I noticed that you let it slip, the truth: that thing that was an ordinary part of you from the beginning. I see that you have admitted to your distaste for all things feline. Was it the reversal candle on the makeshift altar, was it in the way I took the pain from your wound with my hand print or was it simply the smell of Nag Champa in the air that drove you mad a little? I think it was the whole ambience of everything that surrounded you, paired with the sudden yowling from the kitchen. The female was in heat and this made you scowl so hard that you just didn’t cover it up in time.
I saw that, I saw everything you tried so hard to hide. The words you chose, oh so carefully, just weren’t careful enough. All this time I thought you were just hiding the fact that you found felines delightfully interesting. But you really do, don’t you? You really do hate cats."
"I never said I hated cats" as you spoke, your eyes looked wild and strange. You couldn’t believe I could tell so easily. "I just, wouldn’t have them in my house, that’s all."
Such an innocent expression which meant nothing at all. Did you really think that would soothe me considering you had talked of our relationship? Did you think that perchance, I would give them up to make you happy? My realization made me sit and stare at you until you said you had to leave. There was just nothing you could say and you knew it.
I stood and faced you full on, ready for whatever nonsense came rushing from your lips on your next blubbering admission. I stared deep within your green eyes and I saw it there. Oh, I saw everything you tried to hide and it enraged me. OH, I didn’t mean to get angry, it was the thing within that really got mad. The part of me that you cannot see was on fire at your truth. I just stood and stared at you with no words.
The big gray one with only one eye crept up behind you and brushed your leg. You jumped and spun around, kicking at the air. The kittie hissed and retreated back into the hallway.
"I have to go, Beni." You said as if suddenly you had thought of some urgent appointment that awaited your presence.
And so I felt suddenly sad. I may have seemed sad because you were leaving but my sadness came from your admission. I just couldn’t stomach the fact that you said what you did. As I turned to bury my face in the pillow, I saw two of them watching you. I knew they were angry after witnessing you throwing one of their own from the bed.
I buried my face deeply and refused to rise to kiss you goodbye.
"Oh come now, aren’t you going to give me a kiss before I leave?" your voice sounded forced and barely concerned. I could smell your fear and it was disgusting. I loathed and loved you all in one instant and then it all came careening down in a fireball of confusion.
I shook my head in the pillow and did not rise at all. I knew they were still in the doorway watching you. I didn’t care much.
You even sat back down on the bed and pulled me up a little. I voluntarily rolled over and looked at your face. I couldn’t hide my sadness from you and you saw it too. Your eyes grew wide with a look that told me that you thought I was crazy, nuts and over the rainbow.
"No!" I stated and pulled the pillow over my head. When I moved it away, you were still looking as astonished as before.
You rose and with a last word you spoke. "You are being selfish, I have to go."
And you left and that is fine. But it was too late, much too late and there was absolutely nothing that I could do for you now.
Night came swiftly but my sleep did not. I lie awake and twirled a long red hair around my finger. I thought of you. I wondered if you were sleeping and then I laughed. I felt the fires rise up again on the inside and I pushed the back of my head into the pillow. Arching my back and curling my toes, I stretched, desperately trying to push the angry thoughts from my brain. It was already in motion and I could feel it. The thoughts went drifting out from my lips and twisted into a smoky knot of ill intent, there before my sleepless eyes. I squinted and tried to focus on the energy as it twirled around and around itself, growing larger by the second. The humanity of me reached out for the ball of energy and tried to take it back in, tried desperately to control the power that grew there. It was useless. The energy grew huge and then, as if pulled by a strong wind, went zipping out the bedroom door. I rose from the bed and ground my teeth.
Deep within my head, I heard her speak. The one who always lives there despite the changes. My immortal ever-loving soul. She told me fate had happened and there was no turning back now. All my kitties climbed in bed with me and lulled me to sleep. The voice within spoke to me from wakefulness on into my dreams.
I cannot help you now; your tongue has already danced a jig that will forever be emblazoned on the fabric of time. I watch your eyes dance too. Your brain has realized the truth as your mouth released it.
You will sleep tonight and your dreams will be filled with them. I tried to convince them that you were harmless, but they wouldn’t have any of my weak explanations. You see, I cannot own them. I cannot whisper things into their ears and expect them to follow my lead. I tried to catch your words as they floated from your lips. I tried to ask you why but you were steadfast in your ramblings.
Tonight they will come just outside your door and they will wait. If you try to strike them, the hand that you uplift will growl in pain. If you try to take them by the neck, bashing their brains out; they will hop away and you shall stumble upon your face. Every night, they will visit you and cry till the moon moves four hands across the sky. Some nights you will go outside and nothing shall be there but your own desolate shadow. They will wait and they will move from side to side sniffing at the frame of your window until you open your sanctum to the night.
I tried to get you to take it all back but you refused. I cannot help you. The things that you perceived to be real are only figments of your imagination. The things that you perceived to be fantasy are more real for you now than your hand in front of your face. Time has twisted its root deeply into the bowels of your fleeting game.
Tired, you wanted more and so I gave it. I waited to feel something real and then was left alone to contemplate the meaning of what had happened. I am perplexed, I shall not lie.
They growl at the notion of such lunacy.
I have 25 of them and they all have names. You never cared to learn their names and I shall not state them here. The only place their names reside is within my journal. I took a record of them when I got them or when they were born and this is the only place that holds their souls. I keep this information safe there. I guess I just write this so that something can redeem me of my own soul. I tried to tell him. I tried to warn him and it just did not matter in the end.
I promise, I never sent them, they just went.
I scribble these words because I want someone to know what happened and that It was not my fault. I mean, something inside me rose up and revolted against him and his hatred, but I swear it wasn’t me. I just remember he left and then that was it. There was nothing more.
I woke the morning after you left and my front door was open. There were no cats in the house except for the one with the bobtail. He sat in the doorway and seemed to smile at me. I was in such shock that at first I didn’t even panic. I just stood there and tried to understand that all my cats were outside. Before I could do much more thinking at all, one by one, they came rushing through the door. I fell to my knees and began to count them desperately as they rushed by. I felt ridiculous there upon my knees counting my cats one by one and two by two. I felt almost, animalistic. Some of them were very dirty and one even had a limp.
"Oh my poor babies" I would speak to them. "And you have been very bad!"
They may have given me a passing glance and maybe they didn’t but it didn’t matter at all.
Before I closed my front door, I noticed a very frantic cat sitting in my driveway. It’s eyes were looking up toward where I stood. I thought it was a very pretty cat until I realized it was you.
"Guys… what did you do?" I spoke to all my family which sat perched behind me with curly tails. All 25 cats stared toward where I stood and I knew what I had to do.
"Here…kitty kitty…" I called to you and you didn’t come at first. I could tell that you were very angry at me for what I had done. The thing is, I couldn’t help it and I couldn’t wish it away. It was too late.
But I promise you, you can stay here with us for as long as you want, even though you hate cats. I will make it as comfortable for you as I can.
I didn’t mean to get mad at you, its just that…it’s not easy for me to keep them at bay. It really is very hard, you see.
I hated humans once, despised them actually.
And this is what it did to me.
I looked down at my hands and realized that I still had so much trouble getting used to being without fur. I really hated walking upright like this and this talking thing was so hard sometimes. I am, although, very good at grammar and writing. I can write anything I want. Must be a gift from another life when I was human before. I have so many strange and unpleasant things that I am getting used to; and there are so many strange things that I shall never get used to. I write backwards and forwards and....ouch, I still have fleas. I hate fleas.
But I find it curiously pleasant to be able to write my thoughts and make most people believe that I was born this way. I guess it is truly amazing. I even think like they do now, human and semi-ordinary, I suspect.
I hated humans until I became one and now I understand why they are so cold, so bitter toward us. It is the human nature to feel inadequate I suppose. I almost feel bad for them. I wonder will this work with you too. I wonder if you shall find peace in your new form, my dear.
I hope so…for your sake. Else you will not fit in here very well. I hope you understand that I only wanted the best for you.
Come, let’s have a nice cup of milk, shall we.