It was the same with Gavin. The things that I resorted to, the games that I would play...this was exactly as it had been with that man I used to love. I had lost all hope that I could ever have him after the shit hit the fan. I know, that is such a cliche but that was about the size of it....the enormity of the whole situation.
And I am here again...replaying this same scenario where I am the only one who holds the truth of my secret passions. I have found myself locked, rooted in this. I am no longer Marcia, I am the obsessive compulsive dreamer. I see things the way I want them to be instead of lifting the veil from my eyes and looking upon the truth. I know that one day this will fade because it is not tended...it will wither away because it is not nurtured. Nothing, no matter how much of your heart it occupies, can grow when starved to death. I cry for this coming death as if my very pulse would stop at that moment...and who says it would not....could not...be the end of all this suffering.
Again, I am being pushed to speak the truth. Certain things that I observe tell me that I should hurry and make my intentions clear. And even if I fail miserably; I will at least know that the burden of my interest no longer lies upon my shoulders....they will then be his to bear or throw away. That is how I am beginning to see it anyway.
The suffocation of holding a secret is emmense, not that things should be told; but just things told to one from another when both parties are involved. I am not the type to gossip to hurt someone but I do hate to keep things inside that should be told...things that eat away at me. And that is why I did the things I did concerning Gavin.
Gavin is gone now...far away, and married. I may never see him again. But I must tell his story in hopes that the answer is there within. The answer that I need now.
I was 28...pretty young I guess, younger than I am now at least. I made an anonymous account on a social site, one that Gavin frequented. I wanted to see him, his picture, his face. I wanted to know if we had anything in common by looking at his profile. I did look at his profile and I was right as I thought I might be. Gavin and I were alike in many ways. Our music interests were similar as with other aspects between us. But I had no courage to know this when face to face with him. After having the fake profile for a little while, I wrote a poem for Gavin. At that point he unfriended me because the poem was 'weird'. He then demanded to know who I really was but I would not tell him...I was so scared that he would hate me for what I was doing.
I sent him messages even though he was no longer my friend and he answered them. Sometimes he even laughed at things I said...then followed with a ..."who are you?"
I would not tell Gavin because I knew he would hate me. One reason why Gavin would hate me was because I was a married woman. Although unhappy in my relationship and on the brink of divorce, Gavin would not see the world the way that I did and he would not have mercy on me. I am sure of it.
But I could not stop. All the power within me to stay fit, to be a mother but no power to quiet an obsession. It was indeed an obsession and one that I had just begun to feel the full force. I would step away from the computer to do other things. I would run, listen to my favorite music and just spend time outside contemplating other things. But even when I would think of going to the gym, Gavin would be there in my mind, lifting weights and smiling at me. When I would turn on the television, Gavin was there in the familiar faces of young men who slightly resembled him. He wouldn't go away and truth be told, I do not know why. Even now, I cannot say why Gavin was so important to me. Many say that there are lessons to be learned in things like this...people who are persistently holding a place in your mind and heart. I know not whether there is truth in this, I just know that I couldn't escape from it and I would cry for help while pining for him. It was torturous. I only ended up back on the social site and sending messages...stupid, silly things which only led to short anwswers...sometimes a longer answer but mostly short ones.
My ability to understand the closed minded mentality was very limited. I did not understand why someone could not just humor another person when they were anonymous. Many times I have spoken to others when they were in cognito, and it did not bother me that I did not know their true identity. Not to say, I did not try to figure it out, oh yes, I did...I found it fun and challenging. I was not offended or scared by these persons because I was confident in protecting myself. Yes, my self esteem wavered, but whose didn't. But I was not afraid because I was in the dark about he identity of a stranger...a stranger who probably knew fully well who I was and I knew him, I am sure of it.
With Gavin; I just wanted the chance to talk, to vent and to let him know how I truly felt about him. I was afraid...and this is why I hid my identity, afraid to hear him say that he did not feel the same. I think I would have rather taken a lie over the truth to spare my sometimes fragile feelings. I think, in my pure depths of pain, I was in love with the lie, the fantasy...I think I choked on the lies I made inside my mind. As long as I could talk to him as a stranger, I could see things in my own perspective, a new person perspective... Something strange, something odd but yet comforting to me. But enough of that explanation.
I continued to talk to Gavin for months...throughout the summer months on into the fall. I would tell him things and warn him about people who were using him...because I loved him...because I cared, I genuinlly did care. Of course he was astonished and had to respond wanting to know how I got my information and how I knew the same people. I know he was quietly calculating and racking his brain to figure out who I was. He even asked a friend of his to friend request me to get close to me and gain information. I knew this was happening immediatelly and smiled to myself. You see, I am confident in my abilities to keep things secret when I want to. If any thing "leaks" out...it is simply because I am tired of the game and I want it to be known. And the game was not a 'game' per se...it is just my armor of protection until I do not care anymore or I am so weary of keeping it inside and the risks of holding it in become greater than the risks to letting it be known. Anyway, This 'new found' friend he sent my way began her fake friend persona and her empty questions. I played along and answered all she asked of me. It was quite simple actually, and amusing that he and she both thought they were getting somewhere. So I talked to her, her name was Lexi and she was beautiful. I picked up on the vibe that she liked him as I did and even heard from a confidant that she had tried on numerous occasions to get his interest. Apparently, he was not interested in sex with her but was still willing to be her friend. How charitable of him, really. ha! So, I talked some more and then in my pure joy of the game, I did it...I made the first slip that I had ever made in the whole ordeal. I mentioned a fact about myself that was important indeed.
But let me stop there...let me go back and tell more things that might be of importance to our story here. Me, Marcia Renee Long, and Gavin Peterson both attended the local community college and the same church on Sundays.haha, now that's a twist. And to make things more interesting, he was 10 years younger than I at the time. Yes, he was 18 years old and just out of high school.
Want to add even more spice to the pot...then consider the fact that I was part of an all girl gospel trio and a sunday school teacher. Dear god, why was life so difficult and why was the unattainable so attractive?
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