Gavin again, part 2

And so it was, with Gavin as with my present interest...unfair to say the least.
Truth is, I was in pain, immense emotional pain from experiencing a marriage which had gone sour. I looked at Gavin as an angel of sorts...a savior maybe. He was sweet and very true to his beliefs...and his personality in a whole was wonderful. Or at least this is how he appeared to be.
Meanwhile, my husband continued to have the affair with the married woman I knew about and had grown complacent about as well. I felt so alone and fet driven to talk to Gavin all the more. Pretty much, yeah..my life was in shambles. I wanted something good, something pure and maybe this is why my mentality was less than perfect. Logic, I guess, for me had become rather twisted.
A time came when things grew even more complicated. I would read all the time, drowning my reality in the reality of the characters of a book. I found this to be a great escape from both my failing marriage and my game with Gavin. I knew that fooling Gavin was wrong, but I knew he would not love me...I knew that at least I could prolong the fantasy a little longer and play pretend with myself. I just wanted to be wanted. Yes, my children loved me but I wanted a soul mate...someone who really knew me and my dark side too...yet loved me all the same.
Only certain people catch my eye, I might mention. They are the ones who I feel can take me for who I am. I see so many men and hear the words from so many men...I see the lies there. I see the lies of what they say they can do for me. Then I see the ones...the ones who do not lie about their abilities to be imperfect. I see the tainted ones, the scarred ones who have been so deeply scarred that callouses have formed from years of hurt..I see their innocence. I am drawn to them..like a magnet and I am drawn deeply. Gavin was pure from some hurt...some hidden thing that no one knew about and I saw it in his eyes. That is where I always see it...the eyes. They tell the truth.
There came a time when the shit did hit the fan...yes, it came. The truth came out about my husband and the whole church knew. I asked him what he wanted from our relationship and in short, he wanted to stay. Deep within, I was dying from the hurt and knew it was just a matter of time until I had to let him go. I can say, I did it for the children, I can say i did it because the church told me to stay...these both were very true...but I also stayed because I was a coward. When the truth came out, I tried to stay focused on what I must do in life. I continued to sing in the trio and to teach sunday school but the little slip that I made talking to Gavin's friend Lexi...was to be the end of my game.
Apparently, I had given enough details of myself that Gavin was convinced that he knew who I was. Unfortunately he was wrong. He guessed that I was one of the other girls from the trio singing group I was in at church. His guess was Natalie, a blonde with children and marital problems. No amount of denial from me would convince Gavin that he was wrong about his guess. I pleaded with Lexi to tell him that he was wrong but she was convinced as well. For weeks, at every church service, I had to watch Gavin ignore and act awkward toward Natalie, while I felt like a peice of shit. I had to do something. It was just not fair for her to take the fall for something that I done. I had to fix things.
Meanwhile, the church told me to stay...stay in my marriage, after all forgiveness was key. But would they forgive me, if they knew?