Things in the present have changed, so you would guess there would be no reason for me to continue this...but I must. Things left unfinished with tarnish your soul.
I knew that since Gavin had made the wrong guess and that Gavin thought Natalie was obsessed with him; that maybe, not maybe...of course, I had to tell him the truth. I had to make right the wrong that I had done and show him who I was. Then I would be laying the cards on the table for him to see.
The eve of my solo at church was filled with frustrating and hellish content. I came to full terms of my husband's cheating and had to keep calm. I wanted to sing my song the next morning and so I could not get upset. I was riddled and baffled by everything, pulled thin and weary...I just wanted to hide away now. I had put the full spotlight on someone who was innocent, I had married a man who was never satisfied and I had put priority on an internet persona obsessed with another. I was bad...very bad...but not the worst in my eyes. I had to tell him, I needed to practice my song...I needed to check on the children while they were sleeping. Were they breathing? I was a basketcase.
The next morning, the truth fully came out about my husband's affair and he agreed to stop seeing her...as I said before. I put on my dress and went to church to sing my solo. I remember Gavin not being there. I remember crying through my song because I was miserable and everything was unfair. But I would honor my God, regardless...after all, he knew what I was doing, every little nasty bit. I went back home and continued my 'get back together' conversation with my husband. I felt so guilty for doing wrong and being mad at him that I told him about my internet persona and how I contacted Gavin. He seemed surprised and angry. Even though I actually never slept with Gavin, my husband was angry and insisted that I should tell the church about what I did. The youth minister came to the house and I told him hoping that he would not tell anyone else. He was appalled at my actions and of course we all prayed. He said, that I would have to step down from being a sunday school teacher and that I could not sing anymore. So there it was...the deal...what I had to take for my confession and so I took it. But Gavin still didn't know.
Later that night, I logged onto my computer and uploaded a picture of myself onto my profile. It was there, now Gavin would know who I am. Maybe we could all have a laugh about the whole thing and get over it...maybe is what I hoped for but things were not to be that way.
During the next couple of weeks, the news of what I did spread. The news of my husbands affair was solid and compact and no one mentioned it again. The first sunday back, the preacher's wife walked up to me and whispered into my ear...she said my fake name to me. She said..."Hello, Lee Ann." I looked into her eyes and I saw hatred. Gavin was one of the favorites of the church and he was young. Of course it would be this way, she was protecting him. I couldn't help but cry then. The pain and the humiliation was emmense. The sunday following, Gavin's friends and Gavin started to avoid me and to shun me. They acted as though I had a disease...a plague. The looks they gave were horrible. My heart hurt so bad seeing the way they looked at me, when once they were my friends. None of them would hug me at all. The sunday following that one, the church had gotten wind that I had conducted a Fun party which consisted of selling sex toys. After church that day, they put me in a chair in front of the whole church and stood around me. The elders all looked down upon me and prayed. They chanted and laid hands upon me. The looks they gave were not of love but of hatred. It seemed as though they were more concerned about makihg a good show to all the others to make sure this bad seed didnt spoil everything and they would not have to throw me out. A couple weeks later, I was on my social page, which was now my own with my real picture, and I saw where one of the last comments before one of Gavin's friends unfriended me , had wrote to Gavin.
"I cannot believe you had a stalker." Those words were like knives. I guess I deserved it though. I did the crime and I was not upfront. I grieved. I cried so hard and hurt so bad that you wouldn't believe but I guess that is okay too.
Things never really got better for me there. I tried to fit back in but I never could. I would stay away awhile then I would try to be friendly. Everytime that I hugged one of Gavin's friends, they cringed and pulled away. I just stopped dong it. I think it was the best thing to do.
And now, it feels so similar to then...so hard and hurtful. I know I am wrong for what I have been thinking and how I have been acting but my heart hurts for something....an understanding. I love too hard and with a timid fear. I feel ugly sometimes and think the best thing to do is be anonymous or cryptic. This time it has been cryptic...cryptic poetry, cryptic speach because the truth is just so frightening. And then there was another...another that seems more important and has the ability to talk freely to my present interest and I am tired of trying.
I feel stupid, a fool and so out of line. NOthing I can say or do is good enough, worthy or sufficient. Just to be a friend would have been enough, given I had patience to realize the wrong path I was taking. Ignoring someone is never the answer, humoring someone's feelings is never the answer either. I have come to the end of the line and I have nothing more to give but silence. I thought I was breaking through the ice when I saw that everyone else was already on the other side. I feel shunned and neglected. I feel a hurt like no physical hurt.
Today I decided...no more. I would be a doormat for anyone's selfish means anymore. I cannot stroke the ego...or I will not. I will not pour sugary shit into your ear. I will tell you the truth, the hard truth if you care to listen long enough without running away...or I would have...but not now. I see your point and get your hint.
and I am done.
No comments:
Post a Comment