Diary of Dispair

day 1


I hate this place. I hate the way it smells and the sounds that I hear when I am trying to sleep at night. I hate it for many reasons that I cannot talk about too. I hate this place.


day 2


I still hate this place but I hate it more than yesterday. But something has crept into the hate and shares a room with it, so to speak. I hate that I hate this place because it is just a place without real reason at all, just a place.

I heard the phone ring and I ignored it. I knew it was you and I didnt want to tell you that everything would be okay, for the fiftenth time.

It wasn't my fault, after all. I just did what was right and you dont know it was me. I know it was me...and it makes me hate this place more.

I hate my toothbrush in the little white canister sitting upon the sink. I hate it because if it had eyes, it would stare at me and accuse me of something I didnt do.


day 3


I heard a knock at the door and I thought it was you so I didnt answer. I could smell men's cologne but I still thought it could be you, so I didnt answer.
I turned on the television too and watched an episode of something. For some reason, I cannot even remember what was on television today. I know that everyone was looking at the cameras like they could see me watching them. There was one girl that looked like you and so I turned the televison off again.

I just sat here for hours and thought about a book I used to read on the War. But then I thought about my war inside, that led me to you. I hate this place.


day 4


I did it again. I checked into my fake account to see if you had left anymore messages but you hadnt. I had this feeling that you had wrote a message to my fake persona and then you erased it. I decided to stay offline for a while. I need to pay my bill so that I can stay online. If I close my account, you will think I am avoiding you and you might call. I really dont want you to call because I wouldnt know what to say to you.

I am sorry, but I hate saying I am sorry. When I say I am sorry, they can see the real me. I cant let them see the real me. I cannot let you see the real me. This place feels like it is shrinking and swallowing me whole. I hate being here but I cannot leave. If I leave, I might see you. I dont want to see you...because I am sorry.


day 5


I didnt get out of bed today because it was raining. I know how much you love the rain adn I thought you might be out and about. I thought for some crazy reason that you might come see me. I cant see you because then I would cry

..because it really is my fault.


day 6


I am sorry that you are there and I am here and I do not see your face anymore. I hope you are well but I cannot call you because I just cant. I have no reason to give you for not calling except that I am a coward. I look aroudn and this place reminds me of you because it is without you. I am without you and probably will forever be without you.

The phone rings again and I hate this place more. I stand and i pace, I stand and I scream. But then I panic because maybe you heard me. Maybe you know that it was my fault. Maybe you will come.
I am scared that you will come and so I climb in the bed adn pull the covers over my head. I head the refrigerator and the noises it sometimes makes. I know you can hear them too...no matter how far away.

I feel your voodoo eye and I start to cry.

please forgive me


day 7


I havent eaten since you left. I hate food. I hate this place. I hate my toothbrush. I hate the phone.

I hate me.

I hate me

I hate me

I am not hungry. I am not thirsty. I try to eat a peice of bread but the noise is so loud that I stop. I think you can hear me. I know it hurts you and so I throw the bread away.

I panic when the bread hits the garbage can and it makes so much noise.

The phone rings and I throw it against the wall. Maybe you were calling. Maybe you heard me break the phone. I hate that phone. I hate this place

I hate you

I am sorry


day 8


I am tired.

I am sleepy

But I cannot go to sleep because then you would come. YOu would knock on my door, ring my phone and then you would scream and cry your torment through the door. I would let you in and I would tell you that I am sorry and then you would forgive me.

But I cannot do that.

Because I am not sorry

I did it

I had to

because I was a coward


day 9


I am sorry

I wish I could take it back

but I cannot do that

but then if I could, I dont think I would

because you would know I care.

but i dont care

i hate you

i hate you

I hate this place

your eyes are in the walls, your eyes are in the mirrors, in my coffee

your blood is running down the walls

I hear you knocking on my door

i hear you ringing my phone

I hear you calling my name

I see you everywhere

I hate my eyes

I hate my ears

please

I am tormented

I am sorry


day 10


I am sorry